Faking It ‘Pilot’ Review: #Karmy is born

MTV's rookie show Faking It comes out swinging, hits us in the feels... hard


At first glance MTV’s rookie show Faking It sends up one big rainbow flag as being 2014’s show to bitch about and be offended by. But, if you dig a little deeper, past the stereotypical gay character, the overwhelmingly (almost unbelievable) tolerant high school, and borderline annoying Christian conservative… we find a truly relatable and intriguing story.

Amy and Karma are best friends. Karma wants the boy, the popularity, and the chance to be more than ordinary in a high school ruled by outcasts. Amy just wants Karma to be happy (and for the record doesn’t even like looking at her own vagina)… so clearly the only plausible solution is for them to pretend to be lesbians!

We see the madness unfold in this 22 minute series premiere, yes only 22 minutes of actual viewing pleasure, which is a travesty in itself. The charade begins when the girls are mistaken for lesbians after Amy’s soon-to-be step sister Lauren (the traditional overly-heterosexual character) takes a jab at the BFF’s in the schools courtyard.  Shane, Hester High’s token gay guy, thrilled by the thought of “lesbian energy” in his life invites the two girls to his party… which is the most happening party in Texas.
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Reign star CAITLIN STASEY sends fans into a tizzy after speaking the truth on Twitter


What’s the best way to piss off your fans? Just tell them you don’t want to travel to their country to meet them! LOLZ. Caitlin Stasey, star of the CW series REIGN took to Twitter yesterday to publicly announce that, although grateful for their support, she has no plans to visit Brazil (or meet any “strangers” for that matter). Oh man, I thought flying across the world to kiss someone you don’t knows ass is Stasey’s favorite pastime… no? Okay. My bad.

Stasey handled the “crazies” in a comical way, exchanging twitter banter with cohort Lucas Neff, star of RAISING HOPE, the critically acclaimed comedy on FOX. The duo was quite hilarious in debunking the fans uncalled for allegations. I watched as the madness unraveled, accusations flying, people outraged and in disbelief that their beloved Caitlin would do such a horrible thing to them. Sounds a bit melodramatic, no? Not to say stones weren’t thrown in both directions, Stasey poked fun at their “broken english” as they continued to send her a steady flow of insults. I mean, she has a point, though… if you’re going to talk shit— at least say it in a language she can understand.
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The Veronica Mars movie was basically perfect


This review contains spoilers. If you haven’t watched the movie, don’t read.

There’s a moment during the Veronica Mars movie when Veronica and Logan are driving across a bridge (pictured above) where I was sitting in the theater and just thought wow, this is a movie. The exterior shots of Southern California, Veronica’s smooth voiceover, the tracking shot of her riding shotgun. It has been close to seven years since the show was retired from television airwaves, and here it was on the big screen. Veronica Mars was 20 feet tall, right in front of me.

So rare is the moment that a character-driven film receives a theatrical release like this, less so for a character-driven thriller. And sometimes I try to ascertain whether or not I would have liked the Veronica Mars movie if I had never watched the series. (Side note: my mom watched some episodes of the series, watched the movie when I downloaded it, and thought the movie was “OK.” Also, my mom has really weird taste in movies, so I don’t know how to take that.) I feel as though I’m someone who can separate bias when I’m watching a film or a TV show, and for some disgusting reason I just expected the Veronica Mars movie to fall flat on its face, while still maintaining a sense of optimism.
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Need for Speed review: Thrills in stunts, backfires elsewhere


If you’re looking to satisfy your itch to see cars go vroom a lot on the big screen, then by all means run — don’t walk — to Need for Speed this weekend. The packed house I watched it in was having a mighty good time with the races, the crazy stunts, and the cheeky one-liners, as was I.

But if you’re thinking Need for Speed elevates beyond that, then you might be let down. Which I was, especially since Aaron Paul’s latest project was the critically acclaimed Breaking Bad. Not that every film or television role he does thereafter has to be the next Breaking Bad, but Paul was clearly trying to bring his grade A acting chops to a script that wasn’t up to par.

Once again, which would be OK if the script never asked for it. But where Need for Speed falters is trying to shoehorn sentiment without having the necessary skill. What transpires is a mostly predictable story that will have you craving for the next crazy car chase.

And when those car scenes come, that’s when Need for Speed shines.
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A bit of a lull

Hey guys. I’m sure you’ve noticed that there haven’t been many updates recently, and there haven’t even been new posts in the last couple of weeks. It’s been a busy semester for me, especially, and because of that, NoWhiteNoise has suffered a bit. But I just wanted to let you know that NWN isn’t dead just yet. We’re just sort of in a lull. Hopefully I’ll be able to post more frequently in a couple of months.

Enjoy TV and movies! (And the posts that will be on here, scattered a bit.) Follow me on Twitter, if anything: @michaelcollado.
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Lotti Pharriss Knowles, Master of the Macabre, dishes Chastity Bites on DVD


A decade long journey comes to a head as Chastity Bites is finally released on DVD, and to celebrate the spectacularly spooky news, we have an in-depth look into the mind of the writer and producer of the film, Lotti Pharriss Knowles.

This recently released horror-comedy puts a modern day spin on the historical tale surrounding Elizabeth Bathory, a devilish woman who bathed in the blood of virgins, believing that her murderous ways would help achieve eternal youth. How’s that pipe dream going for ya, Lizzy? Not so great, I would imagine. To the people who said that dedication is dead, you should have your throats slashed, well, metaphorically of course (we’re going to leave the sword-wielding and virgin offing to the filmmakers… and psycho serial killers). But mind you, ten, count ‘em TEN gruesome years have passed since Writer/Producer Lotti Pharriss Knowles first composed the draft of what can now respectively be referred to as a cult-classic.

This gory and often sarcastic story takes place with the George W. Bush Administration in mind and brilliantly pokes fun at abstinence programs throughout America. But enough with the commentary, from me, anyways, and let’s get to the good stuff. I chatted with Lotti about how to get an independent film off the ground, the cast, her favorite horror films, and so much more.
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Lost Girl ‘Origin’ review: There will be blood oaths


Just a very quick review before tonight’s season finale.

Season four of Lost Girl has been rocky at best. I think the better way to put it is that they’ve just been stalling everything until tonight’s episode. That would have been fine if there were other, more interesting things going on throughout the past 12 episodes. The sad fact is that there hasn’t been. Every episode ended with yet another stall tactic and a strange, non-sequitr MacGuffin to keep us busy for that hour.

In some episodes, this worked. That’s Lost Girl‘s strong suit, really, the campiness. But in others, when everything wasn’t firing on all cylinders, well it really didn’t work. And the explanation for Bo’s development this season has been shoddy, leaving audiences confused.

It’s strange, then, that a show that is so married to prolonging every plot detail would try to speed up the death of a main character and milk it for all it’s worth. Ksenia Solo is giving a good performance, but when I saw her twisting her engagement ring at Hale’s funeral, I rolled my eyes. The contrived way in which they were thrown together, only to appear as a couple for one episode in which Hale proposes way too quickly and then dies a couple of minutes later is making me feel nothing.
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The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug review: Adventure time!

An exciting continuation — even more fun than the first installment!


Middle films in a trilogy are always difficult. They don’t have introductions; they don’t have epic final battles. They don’t begin and don’t end. They are movies where there is only ongoing conflict and no resolution. This was difficult in the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, and most critics still consider The Two Towers the weakest of the three. Still, Desolation of Smaug handles this difficult situation very skillfully and gives the spectator two and a half hours of varied fun.

The movie maintains a very good rhythm at all times, alternating the dwarves’ misadventures with Gandalf’s investigations. We travel from Beorn’s place to the black forest and then to Laketown, all the while enjoying the beautiful scenery while the characters are being chased and imprisoned by various foes. Special mention to Lee Pace as Thranduil, Legolas’ father, a very charismatic (although mean) Elf King.

And then we meet the dragon of the title: Smaug himself. The dragon does not disappoint at all, being as impressive and enormous as expected. The special effects used to create this beast are a thing of beauty, and the physical appearance of Smaug is simply stunning. Benedict Cumberbatch gives a powerful performance with just his voice, both scary and majestic.
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Chastity Bites and so does Valentine’s Day: Interview with horror-comedy star Sarah Stouffer


Are wrinkles getting you down this Valentine’s Day? Wish there was a way to turn back the clock and remain a youthful beauty forever? Well, we’re fresh out of virgins today (all of them are getting lucky because unlike me, they have boyfriends, girlfriends, or even a stranger named Steve) so instead we’re going to focus on this titillating interview with my favorite Virginity Action Group member, Sarah Stouffer. Did you notice how that cleverly spelled V.A.G.…?

Sarah, who is best known for her role in the lesbian film Bloomington, has clawed her way into the hearts of horror junkies around the globe, branching out into the wonderful world of the occult, and nailing the role of Britney, a ditzy teen who with her friends joins an abstinence program, run by a blood thirsty Countess in Chastity Bites, a new horror-comedy by Writer/Producer Lotti Pharriss Knowles and Director John V. Knowles.

Chastity Bites is a hilarious (and ghoulish) spin on the unforgettable tale of Elizabeth Bathory, a serial killer from the late 1500s, who believed that in order to stay youthful she must bathe in the blood of virgins. Cue modern day Red State America, a perfect plucking ground for a nearly 500-year-old psychotic seductress.
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Reign ‘Inquisition’ photo recap: All the Queen’s Men


I totally meant to recap the episode of Reign that comes before this episode. I even watched it, too! I don’t know where the time went. I used to be much better about time. But since there’s no new episode of Reign this week, I decided that I would have to recap the latest episode. Plus, it’s a celebration.

Didn’t you hear? Reign was renewed for season two! I’ve only watched three episodes, but even I know that obviously the CW execs were scared that Catherine might poison them.

So, anyway, sorry about no recap last time. You didn’t miss much. Basically, I was going to make Paganism a euphemism for something else and a shot of Mary and Son #1 kissing with the caption: “We need mops.” High-brow-type humor, you know. But in case you didn’t watch the previous episode, what happened was that Son #1 had a cousin who had a baby and now he and Mary have to hide him. In this episode, they check in on the lady who they have taking care of the baby. And this lady just loves this job.
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