“Take off your pants. Pronto.”
This week, Dr. Danni gets to argue with her ex about using the kid’s college fund for trips to Hawaii and parenting styles. Lucky for her, her bestie, Jeanette is back in town after spending sometime with her boytoy in Spain. Jeanette excitedly shows off her new Spanish skills (which include the basics – take off your clothes) and insists they have a summer of fun.
As usual, one of her kids kills her buzz. Lindsey doesn’t want to go to summer camp and still feels misunderstood. Yes, we know, you’re a teenager.
Dr. Danni and Lindsey meet up with Lindsey’s new therapist. Dr. Danni’s read all her books, she’s familiar with Dr. Danni’s sport therapist reputation. Dr. Danni wants to sit in on the session, but Lindsay’s therapist suggests she wait in the lobby. Dr. Danni tries to listen at the door when Lindsey’s therapist opens it and suggests she read some of the new magazines in the corner. Burn. Oh Dr. Danni.
“I’m finally having a good time. I thought you would appreciate that!” “We would. If you used your powers for good instead of evil.”
Damien Razer, the rookie running back played by the uber talented Gaius Charles of Friday Night Lights fame, is back. He’ll always be NotSmash to me. He’s thrilled to be there. Yay NotSmash. Then two cops show up and I wonder if he’s in more trouble or maybe Nico couldn’t work his magic. Nope. TK’s just being a douche and hired two male strippers to dance with NotSmash. Seriously we’re still making gay jokes? It’s 2012 people. NotSmash thinks this is lame.
Rhino, our case of the week, is a 290 pound linebacker for the Hawks. He is over his weight limit. Dr. Danni asks the question that non-football fan viewers have; isn’t everyone in this game big? Yes, but it’s about speed and at 290, Rhino has none, Matty D explains.
So as not to sound like a complete ass picking on someone overweight, Matty D also tells Dr. Danni that his cholesterol and blood pressure are off the charts. It’s a health risk. Uh-huh. I watch football; I know how many guys are sent in with concussions, etc. Still, it’s nice that fictional TV football pretends they are also interested in protecting the health of the player.
On the other side of the field, the receivers get to take a break. More time for TK to haze NotSmash. This time, his sophisticated prank is putting a baby alligator in a cooler. NotSmash is startled (who wouldn’t be) and points out that it could have bitten him. His hands are his livelihood. TK refuses to apologize. NotSmash shows some Smash spirit and taunts TK and somehow all these big strong men end up shoving each other like 5-year-old girls. Coach is blowing his whistle, but personally, I’m yelling “Nico!”
I guess the Coach called him too because in the next scene, they (Coach and Nico) are letting TK have it. Since the Pullman Problem (I really kinda miss Mashall, how about you guys?), the league has been breathing down the Hawks necks. Well, at least the Coach’s. So it’s simple, no more hazing and TK will be held responsible for any pranks with a 5k fine for each one. TK isn’t happy, but it gets worse for him. Coach wants him to apologize to Razer (uh NotSmash).
Dr. Danni’s not involved in the TK/NotSmash wars yet because she’s counseling Rhino. Rhino claims that he’s eating nothing but cottage cheese, steamed veggies and boiled chicken with the occasional flavored rice cake but gaining weight. Well, I’m not a doctor, but I can guess his problem is either thyroid, he’s lying about what he’s eating or he needs to eat more. With all the weight lifting and cardio this guy does, he can’t survive on a 1200 calorie diet. Call Weight Watchers, Rhino! Make yourself some money and shed the pounds.
Rhino’s support system has shown up in festive hats and gives him a few chants. Dr Danni is happy to see he’s got friends because playing pro-sports is hard, yo (seriously, Dr. Danni, life is hard. Everyone needs friends, not just athletes. No wonder your non-athletic daughter is in therapy). Rhino points out that this is his 7th season and stress is an old friend. The problem is his weight, which is killing his bank account via fines. She then suggests he may be under stress and eating subconsciously and asks about any lifestyle changes. He’s got a new wife and a stepson. While being married is fabulous, dealing with his stepson is a little more difficult. He agrees to try family counseling.
“Your knight in shining Armani is here.” (Surprisingly, this was not said about Nico guys!)
Jeanette is the third wheel on Dr. Danni’s date with Matty D. No I’m kidding – Jeanette actually pushed them together and she’s taken them to dinner to point out she deserves all the credit for their hook-up. And free dinner, Jeanette! Get free dinner. Matty D is called away to look for linebackers to replace Rhino if his dieting isn’t successful which is just as well because Jeanette and Dr. Danni need some girl talk time. Augusto, Jeanette’s Spanish boytoy, is talking marriage but she’s unsure. This time in Spain has been great, but her life is in New York. Isn’t it? No one knows. Jeannette is going to take the next six weeks to figure it out.
Dr. Danni takes on family counseling with Rhino, his new bride and her son. If you’re wondering why the son isn’t happy having a pro-football playing step-dad and think it’s something complex like the child doesn’t want his bio-dad being replaced, you are very wrong. It’s about moon pies. Yes, those graham cracker sandwich cookies filled with marshmallow and coated in chocolate. Someone in the household is eating them all. Rhino says it’s his stepson; stepson says it’s Rhino. The issue is a little more delicate. I guess Rhino and Mrs. Rhino have talked diets with the kid and he’s feeling hurt. Rhino points out he just wants his stepson to be healthy, Mrs. Rhino is quick to insist everyone needs to work on being healthy. Man, I’m glad I had my pizza before I watched this show because the food guilt trips being laid here are awful. Dr. Danni tries to get one of them to fess up on the Moon Pie Thievery but no one bites. Dr. Danni tells them their sessions will focus on building up trust. I think she’s probably being too introspective. I bet someone (probably Rhino) is sleep eating moon pies.
TK is working on his apology skills. He actually gets out the words, but NotSmash is stuck on Smash like behavior. He pretends to accept but has TK sign a bedazzled helmet for “his niece” except not because the pink feathered, glittery mess is actually TK’s helmet. Guess who’s not laughing.
Rhino showed up early to show Dr. Danni a video he took on his nanny cam and it turns out I was right. He’s a sleep eater. I thought you only did that on Ambien, but I guess not.
“I’m just trying to help Lindsey express her feelings.” “Yeah, but I’m the one who has to have dinner with those feelings.”
Lindsey’s therapy sessions have revealed she wants to go to Africa with the Peace Corps Teen Program and build stuff. Dr. Danni wants her to go to camp (isn’t she a little old for camp?). For me, this is all rich kid problems and I’m not that interested. It could be worse Lindsey, you could be working at the mall or a fast food place during the summer like the rest of us.
Dr. Danni bitches to Jeanette about this latest turn of events while putting away Lindsey’s clothing she discovers Lindsey has her photo on a punching bag. I don’t know what’s more humorous; the idea that a kid who can’t be bothered to put her own clothing away wants to go to Africa to build homes or the Dr. Danni punching bag.
TK took his hazing off campus and dropped NotSmash’s car off in Newark. I’m not from Jersey, but by NotSmash’s reaction, I’d say this is not good. Nico somehow knew this was all going down (I swear, he’s got the powers our mother’s only wish they had and he never sleeps!) and shows up to usher both “girls” into his car for a strong talking too. Oh Nico, girls would have been much meaner. You have two little boys.
Dr. Danni is spying on Rhino (with his permission). Rhino and Mrs. Rhino are going to go to bed like normal (minus the sex I‘d think) while Dr. Danni locks up the kitchen and waits for Rhino to show up looking for his evening snack. Matty D is called in because Rhino points out that Dr. Danni is no match for a 290 linebacker should he have a little bit of food rage. Matty D is happy to be there, but sad there’s been no nookie.
“I see you flying over these potholes like a ninja.”
Nico drives the boys to NotSmash’s car. For those of you playing at home, the car is now up on blocks and been used for parts. Despite growing up in “da hood”, this comes as a shock to TK. Really? I mean, yeah, I had to have a summer job during summers, but I didn’t grow up anywhere sketchy and even I knew that car was toast in Newark. Nico insists that TK get out and make it right. Then he promptly abandons them both. Nico that is poor parenting! They’re both gonna get their asses kicked by really scary guys.
Turns out it’s even worse than that. NotSmash left his playbook in the car. You know, the one they weren’t supposed to let out of their sight under fear of death. TK insists this is no big deal. They’ll tell Coach he dropped it in the toilet after he used it and get a new one. “No one will know what it is.” Yes TK, no one will understand that the book with the Hawks logo with football plays in it may be the Hawks Playbook. To prove my point, NotSmash gets a text blackmailing him for the book. I bet Nico saved the book and is pulling the “blackmail” to get them to work together. After all, Newark Citizen wouldn’t have NotSmash’s cell phone number that quickly. They don’t put this together though.
They’re both idiots. Maybe they need the scary guys to kick their asses.
Dr. Danni is whining about her kids to Matty D and they wind up doing some PG making out on the couch when the idea of having Matty D move in with them is brought up. Oh. Didn’t you guys just introduce yourselves as a couple to the kids like last week? Moving a little fast aren’t we?
Rhino gets up and discovers his food locked up. He’s not happy and tries to take off. Dr. Danni stops him and we all learn he wants to go to his other home. Mrs. Rhino showed up to hear that little gem and you can all guess how happy she is to hear that.
In the office the next day, Rhino and Mrs. Rhino feud about his other home. Dude, just say you meant the football field. Nope, he goes with he doesn’t remember until Dr. Danni intervenes and he explodes that “It’s nothing!” Obviously.
“Who keeps sex toys in the trunk?” “Who doesn’t?”
Over at the stadium, we find out that the blackmailer wants 10k for the playbook. Guys, that seems a little cheap for the playbook of a team that was a division champion last season. Football’s big money. None the less, they argue over who is going to pay the fee and who is going to make the drop. The Hardy Boys ride again people – they’re going together and TK’s footing the bill (though he expects NotSmash to pay him back with interest when he makes the team).
Dr. Danni and Jeanette girl talk about Matty D possibly moving in. We all agree her kids continue to be a problem for her love life, so it’s a no go. She’s scared to tell Matty D though. I don’t blame her. I wonder if she could give her kids up for adoption at 16 and 17 or whatever they are. I would if it meant keeping Matty D in my bed. Dr. Danni doesn’t suggest giving them up though and worries about her relationship with Lindsey. Jeannette falls asleep. In fairness, I bet she’s heard DAYS about Africa and the punching bag and Dr. Danni we’re all kind of over it.
TK and NotSmash roll up to another sketchy neighborhood. The blackmailer isn’t there. NotSmash wants to call Nico. TK finds that embarrassing, something about Nico not needing to change NotSmash’s diaper. TK has forgotten two weeks ago Nico was called down to break up his food fight apparently.
Dr. Danni and Lins have it out on Africa. Dr. Danni’s horrible ex-husband has signed the permission form so Dr. Danni is the bad guy here. Lins also accuses her of snooping in her room when Dr. Danni brings up the punching bag and Dr. Danni lets that go instead of pointing out that maybe she’d think Lindsey was mature enough for Africa if she was putting her own laundry away and not putting her mom’s picture on a punching bag. Dr. Danni tries to explain that she’s trying to do what’s best for her, but Lindsey’s over it. She pulls out the number 1 rule followed by kids of divorce everywhere; threaten to move in with the other parent.
Dr. Danni, don’t worry. You’ll get some Matty D time. Your ex will get some living with a teenage daughter time and get to be the bad guy for awhile. She’ll be back by fall.
Dr. Danni is worried but doesn’t have much time to dwell. Mrs. Rhino (who if I haven’t mentioned is a very pretty, very svelte woman) needs an after hours sit down. Mrs. Rhino has been looking through credit cards and it turns out that Rhino bought a new couch, a flat screen TV and some other odds and ends. None of which is in her home. She worries he has another family. This definitely trumps the “my teenager hates me” drama that Dr. Danni’s got, but still. I know it’s probably not protocol, but maybe you two should crack open a bottle of wine.
Back in the land of shady, TK and NotSmash enter the building, looking for their blackmailer. No one is around and TK’s decided maybe NotSmash had the right idea with calling Nico. Too late, a group of well dressed thugs (seriously, they’re in black suits) rush them and put bags over their heads.
Turns out, they’ve been hazed by Nico and are tied to the goal post for all the team to see. Nico saved the playbook and the cost of fixing NotSmash’s Porsche is coming out of both of their checks. Best part is that after weeks of anguish, seeing these two hazed causes Coach to crack a smile! Welcome back sir! TK and NotSmash find a little bit of mutual respect after being chained together all day and TK gives NotSmash a new nickname: Diet TK. I kinda dig it.
“How do you get through that?” “Pills, booze, random sex.”
Dr. Danni is somehow having a private parental session with Lindsey’s doctor. Well, you know, Lindsey took the putting away clean clothes as snooping, so of course the best thing to do would be to go and have a private sit down with her doctor. Dr. Danni needs to vent; she’s kept her ex’s cheating, his irresponsible spending and everything else from her kids, but now she’s always the bad guy and that really sucks. Lucky for her, Lindsey’s doctor is a divorced mom herself and understands. Unlucky for her, there are no pills, booze or random sex in her future. Looks like she’s gonna have to start seeing her own therapist. Oh and to wrap things up really easily, the chat with the therapist not only makes Dr. Danni feel good about herself, but it helps her wrap up our case of the week.
Rhino’s support system from before is really a bunch of moochers, living in his old house, driving new cars and watching big screen TVs. Mrs. Rhino’s never been a fan of them and she’s really not going to like learning about their Mtv Cribs lifestyle while she sits on a crappy couch. Dr. Danni tells Rhino he’s gotta let the moochers go and he comes clean with Mrs. Rhino.
Dr. Danni and Lindsey have a heart to heart. Lins is excited about helping people (not her mother from her behavior but I digress), Dr. Danni is proud of her and wants to compromise because a teenager in Africa freaks her out. Instead she decides to send her to New Orleans to work with Habitat for Humanity. I really wish I had had Dr. Danni for a mom growing up. I didn’t get to go play in New Orleans till I was 21.
Dr. Danni wants to celebrate Lindsey’s going away with wine (me too), but Jeanette is pregnant. Two glasses for Dr. Danni please. Make that three because Matty D joins them for dinner. He lets us know that Rhino is starting to make progress and shed a few pounds (how much time has passed? A week?).
Also because Matty D is the best, he’s already come to the conclusion that he can’t move in because it’s too soon for the kids. He’s like the best boyfriend ever.
Never mind, I spoke too soon. Matty D waits until Dr. Danni goes to grab wine – hey if you’re gonna block your BFF getting booty Jeanette, don’t be surprised when she and her boyfriend have a bit of pinot in front of you – to ask Jeannette for help picking out an engagement ring. Oh, Matty D what does too fast mean in your world? Good thing you’re pretty because you’re not too bright.
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