That’s it. It’s happening. It’s official. Come October 8th, Rufus Humphrey will be seen cuddling up with none other than…

Ivy Dickens! O. M. G. moments were not prepared for something of this magnitude and I personally believe it’s not getting as much attention as it should be getting. Upper East Side’s most flawless and amazing fraud, not-Charlie, is necking with her arch nemesis’ greatest love? If this is not one of GG‘s most manufactured scandalous moment, then I don’t know what is!

And you know what? I don’t even care! It’s going to be the best thing that happens on that day, I promise.

But the real question here is why? Why are Ivy and Rufus about to do the tonsel hockey (and more) that will shock the UES to its core? Well, that’s where we come in. The following are three completely sound and not at all stupid or crazy ideas as to why these two will be swapping spit (and more?) in season 6:

3. Rufus needs the money

Last we saw Rufus, he had just been dumped by his wife and love of his life Lily Rhodes/van der Woodsen/Bass/Humphrey/Bass (again). But more important than being his wife and his love, SHE WAS HIS WALLET, MAN!  We all know how much Rufus enjoys being a househusband all day eating Eggos and pretending to be a “manager,” a job which consists of passing out fliers for some craptastic indie band. Meanwhile, he buys expensive jewelry, he wears nice suits, and he’s not in complete financial ruin. How is that?

A little spending money from his wife Lily.

But since she decided to annul their marriage, Rufus has had to move back into his Brooklyn loft — something he supposedly enjoyed when he was still married to Lily…but now that she’s left him and there’s no money left, what’s a top ten forgotten band member from the ’90s to do?

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Oh, I don’t know…how’s about sleep with the UESer who recently inherited $25 million? Yup, sounds about right. And that’s exactly what Rufus is doing here. Let’s just say, Rufus is making a deposit…in more ways than one wink wink this is a totally subtle joke.

So, OBVIOUSLY, Rufus seduces Ivy in hopes of her becoming his sugar momma so that he can be a kept man again. OBVIOUSLY.

2. They’re just in the mood

This is a boring option, but it’s an option nonetheless. We’ve got to consider that perhaps Rufus and Ivy are just, well, how do I put this delicately…? HORNY AS SHIT. I don’t know! Anyway, that’s totally an option. And you know what, both Ivy and Rufus are pretty good-looking people, and good-looking people generally like to bang other good-looking people. This is the one fact of our universe.

Rufus has been having tough times with his ex-wife Lily for so long you got to imagine they haven’t done the deed in some time; and with the hot, sweaty summer months passing by…an empty loft and a willing Ivy…anything could happen! Ivy herself has not gotten some since she lied to her boyfriend and decided to be a fulltime fraud. In a show like Gossip Girl, it’s hard to imagine people going without sex for a half an episode let alone an entire season! (Or a season and a half; Dan’s balls, we feel you. Wait. No. I mean… YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. EW.)

So yeah, sometimes people just need some sexual healin’. And that could totally be happening here. Talk about O. M. G.

1. Ivy thinks she’s Vanessa (or something to that effect)

So this is the most practical reason of them all. We previously established that Ivy Dickens could actually, quite possibly have a real identity disorder. There was that one extremely iconic time when she asked Dan to call her Serena in the middle of getting down and dirty. Well, what if this condition is specific to the Humphrey men? What if Ivy morphs (in her mind) into the people they’ve fallen for?

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Sure, Lily is Rufus’s love, but we ALL know that Vanessa was Rufus’s all-time GREATEST love. A love like theirs can only be rivaled by Dan and CeCe’s (my heart!).

Therefore, what if Ivy decided she was going to be Vanessa and came on to Rufus? Just imagine it: “Call me Vanessa.” And Rufus would because we all know that Rufus has eye banged Vanessa more times than we can actually count.

OR…and this is also extremely plausible, what if Ivy decided she wanted to be Serena and then displaced Rufus’s identity as Dan and so in HER mind Dan (Rufus) and Serena (Ivy) are the ones doing the nasty? In this scenario, Rufus just wants to bang Ivy because she’s hot. And that’s not implausible at all.

I’m just saying.

Of course, there could be a multitude of other reasons as to why these two are going to get down and dirty in the final season premiere of Gossip Girl, but these were just three of the most obvious and practical ones. If it’s not one of these, I just don’t see how it could actually be happening. That would just be…INORGANIC storytelling. C’mon, writers.

What do you think? Why are Ivy and Rufus going to get closer (literally) in the final season?

NoWhiteNoise Team
Posts with the byline as "NoWhiteNoise Team" are articles written in collaboration by the entire staff here at NoWhiteNoise.
  • Guest

    What position are they even in?! (in the sex picture) I’m really struggling to understand…

  • LunaticDesire

    I’m not sure what’s going on either, especially after seeing this pics (from Spoiler TV):
    Rufly back together? http://www.spoilertv.co.uk/images/gossip-girl/Season%206/Set%20Photos/10th%20September%202012/0002~109.jpg.php

    And here’s one with Ivy kissing William VDW!! http://www.spoilertv.co.uk/images/gossip-girl/Season%206/Set%20Photos/10th%20September%202012/0030.jpg.php

  • I thought their common hatred for Lily would bring them together and i honestly had pretty high expectations for them…But then i saw the photos with Ivy kissing Serena’s father and i got a bit disappointed.

  • What position are then even in?! (in the sex picture…) I can’t figure it out, they look fused together like something out of The Fly…My eyes, my poor poor eyes.

    • Exactly. It’s disturbing and confusing.

    • Hamnam

      Omg this..

  • I am so confused by that second picture. How many limbs do they actually have??

  • I’ve just realised my user name is very appropriate for this article 😛

  • QMargo

    There is an episode in s3 of HIMYM where the guys to the Victoria’s Secret afterparty and after Barney hits on Adriana Lima, she just snaps at him with one word, that summarizes all my feelings about Ivy and Rufus – GROSS!

  • GG

    Either Ivy is a really a ‘playgirl’ (frankly a slut, due to the fact that she will kiss both Rufus and Wiliam VdW), or she felt like she was used by William VdW that Rufus had to save her. Then they fell for it and make the sweet love out of it. Either way, the season premiere will be nasty not that kind of ‘good’ nasty…

  • Star

    Okay, so I finally watched Band of Brothers over the summer, and Matthew Settle as Ronald Speirs was so perfect in it I literally ship him with everyone now. So yeah, get with Ivy, get with everyone, just get your clothes off, Rufy.

  • GG Fan

    Ivy is as old as Rufus’ son! This is so disgusting!