It’s time for the Gossip Girl photo recap for season 6, episode 4 “Portrait of a Lady Alexander.” This episode was delayed a week because of the effects of Superstorm Sandy. I hope all affected are staying safe (especially given the snow storm today, as well)!

All right, on to Gossip Girl! This episode was about everybody finding out they have basically all slept with each other. I am convinced the final scene will just be one huge, ginormous orgy. Roll credits. Because, holy hell! I don’t even know what the point is of having Lily sleep with Steven(is) in the past. Is this going to come up again? Anyone? Anyway, there were also a lot of horses involved. Nate’s Spectator is in trouble. And Dan tries to bang all of New York!

It was kind of a weird episode to recap because not much actually happened… except for everyone just walking around. I guess that’s usually what happens in a Gossip Girl episode. Ready?

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NoWhiteNoise Team
Posts with the byline as "NoWhiteNoise Team" are articles written in collaboration by the entire staff here at NoWhiteNoise.
  • LOL! I think I have to agree with you – if this indeed what you are saying – that this was the weakest episode of the season so far. I hate that they put four season 5 writers in a row after the premiere. are you TRYING to make your last season bad?

    And so much LOL on the “horses” of CBL and the “blah blah” of Serena’s story line. It’s so true that they wasted so much time this week, as much as I love CB scheming together. Could they not come up with something better than illegally trading horses for oil or whatever? Sigh.

    Love the recap, though!

    • Oh so it wasn’t just me? I’m glad everyone else thought this episode was boring, too! XD

  • Best.Recap.Ever

    • AAAND the most laziest one. “Hmm. Let me just fill 75% of it with HORSES!” 😀

  • Ley

    LADY!!!!!!!!!!! HORSES!!!!!!!!! and REAL CONVO!!!! ily Michael!

  • lols

    yaay! every time a new episode of gossip girl airs, I always come here the next day not being able to wait for the next recap! I LOVE THESE

    • Sorry about my schedule, I’ve been a bit hammered with school work and the responsibilities of blogging. Glad you like ’em though! 😀

  • MegamiTenchi

    Psshhh, Michael we all know Serena would use ClipHunter -_^
    This was brilliant! Lady, and horses! Omg, just the whole thing, I was laughing so hard!

    • And Georgina would use whichever porn site specializes in people not knowing they were being recorded. What is UP with her? HA!

  • chestal

    HORSES!!!!!!! dying xDDD

  • Whatever

    Ivy is an annoying bihh. Dan the douche is consistent. Blah blah blah, horses. Can we skip to the finale?

    • Why didn’t anyone suspect Ivy? Don’t they know she was the one who planted the Gossip Girl story in the premiere? What is life?

  • Amanda

    CB are the worst thing that ever happened to Gossip Girl.

    The recap was great, btw!

    • kate e

      Accurate comment. Blair and Chuck have been so boring since season 3. These recaps are the best!

    • Agreed. Their relationship bores me to tears. If this weren’t the last season, I’d stop watching and just read Michael’s recaps.

    • Allie

      So GG has been terrible since 7 episodes into season 1? Remarkable, then, that you’ve maintained so much interest for the last 5 years.

      Frankly, CB are the only thing worth watching on this show right now, and even they’re getting strained, because their excuses for not just going ahead and banging each other are so ridiculous- and after last season, that’s saying something. Still, every other scene in this episode, with the possible exception of Dan/Serena and Nate/Bart, could be FFed through, no problem. I guess it could be worse, though- at least it’s not Dair.

      • Tara

        Let me correct that: There is NOTHING worth watching on the show anymore. Other than being adorable in this one episode I’ve found CB absolutely boring and lacking any chemistry that made them interesting before. They are shadows of their fabulous selves. I miss my S1-2 bbs ;-; God this season is terrible. Good thing nowhitenoise is here to make it hilarious. 🙂

        • cacherr1

          it still imo better than season 5 which don’t say much. However I have to say this was not CB episode nor advertise as one either the focus was really on the Vanderwoodsen and I think it was suppose to be Lily time to shine which she did by being clueless and funny, I mean I laugh when she interrupted Chair scheming with Blair coming in running her big mouth and Chuck attempts to shut her up. Her getting in their way made me tolerate this boring episode.

          On that note can I have my flamboyant Chuck outfits back. That was a perfect opportunity for outrageous outfit to be pulled off.

        • leelee

          i miss nair.

    • mittens

      Gurl! You ain’t never lied! CB needs to GO! It’s tired as hell now. But we all know they won’t so, whatever.

    • Glad you like the recap!

  • Matt C.

    I’ve never seen a more accurate recap! “Horses” and “blah blah blah” was basically all I heard in this episode. Although you did leave out the funniest scene of the episode: Bart sticking his head out of the window of his own limo just a few feet away from Lily, Chuck and Blair, and NOBODY seeing him!

    • AHHHHH I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T INCLUDE THAT. That happens way too often on this show. “I am five feet away but you can’t see me.” It’s a Gossip Girl staple.

  • lol most incestuous show, now we need cherena to bang and it’s all complete. and you always make my week, IMY

    • Seriously, fi the series doesn’t end with everyone banging each other in one room, I will be disappointed.

      • i am disappointed they never explored cherena’s sexual tension

  • Chips03

    Yea this ep was quite pointless. But I’m pretty interested to find out how Bart screws over Nate. Nate’s so dumb, Bart is obviously baiting him when he talked about being inventive with numbers.

    • Allie

      Of course, only Nate could be reminded of how his father committed a felony and decide it’s a brilliant idea, haha.

    • As the caricatures in the recaps would say: “Thank God you’re pretty.”

  • Annie

    hahaha amazing as usual, I honestly almost fell asleep until the last minute of the episode. so. stupid. but yeah, can cherena happen?! THEN it would be full circle

  • m

    dying @ all of the chily bits XD

    • I love me some Ivy, but I’m gonna need her to get out of that loft at some point. She just sits there, in the shadows, twirling her moustache and then feeling bad about it.

  • M

    transitive property

    haha. i peed.

    • Did I get it right? I haven’t done math in… oh crap I forgot how to count.

  • QMargo

    Wow, these days I am embarassed to admit I used to watch GG, it has turned into total horse S! Worst episode ever, I can’t even decide what is more ridiculous: Blair’s clothes or her green turban, Nate’s girlfriend or his decisions….

    Thank God we have you, Michae to get us through these terrible GG days.

    “Horses=oil, oil=illegal, then horses=illegal!” LOL

  • kate e

    Remember when Chuck compared Blair to the horses his father use to own? Oh, this show is so gross. Great recap as always! Omg, that last scene! Please God give us Dair back!

    • cacherr1

      No because even with these for the most part boring ass episodes Dair was still part of the most horrible season ever. I think people being over dramatic this was not the worst ever episode. The most boring? yes. worst? hell no… the pact with god still take the cake and possibly I will name any episode after that one in season 5 as being worst because the plot was all over the place and made no sense.

      And people keep bringing up the horse thing while forgetting Blair had something just as nasty to him earlier and did Nate the same day she did Chuck. Oh let me recall this is the same bitch who brought up Serena’s horrible experience at Yale party. Get the fuck over it….Dair shippers you not getting them back as a couple, be happy they will be friends (as I still don’t agree he helped her last year as he allow for alot delusions to continue so he could be hero instead of telling her to go to shrink).

      Way to give Dair shippers a bone though with the Serena sex which he still hasn’t told her about. Dan needs to apologize to all these folks because at the end of day he used pretty much all of them while acting he was better. Ultimate douche, man ho and coward.

    • Oh no! I shouldn’t even touch this comment. But I will say thanks for the compliment!

  • m.

    great recap. love lily LINES, esp. with bart.~!

    • Ever since Lily started getting lines, she’s been a pleasure to cap!

  • cacherr1

    As for the illegal oil, that actually made sense once I sat down and thought about the US and its relationship with oil some more which lets face it oil is a big deal and when there embargo on ish it leads to some very shady business happening. I mean hello aren’t we the country that lie about WMD just to invade a country just for oil (you know before they counter by blowing it up)? I have to give the season props for at least staying coherent when it comes to the plot instead of jumping off it every episode. But yeah Sage and Steven taking too much screentime (and I say that as a die hard Barry Watson fan).

    • Hahah yeah I understood what the storyline was about. But it was just so… zzzzzzzz.

  • Allie

    I snarfed my diet coke at the transitive property of horses and oil. And Lily forgetting about her actual biological children (although, in the case of Scott, can you really blame her?)

    Also had a hearty chuckle at Nate and Steven bonding over Nate banging his daughter and his girlfriend. BFFs forever, indeed.

    • I actually can’t. If I didn’t want to poke fun about everyone forgetting Scott, I would forget him too.

  • guardmydrink

    skim…skim…milk! we were going to have some cereal OMG DYING SO GOOD HAHAHA

  • Tara

    I think I’m just done with the show now. Not even CB can make me watch anymore. Everything is awful, except your recaps. 😀

    • 2xl


    • It’s been a little… eh… the past couple of episodes, but if you quit now…then…then… IDK, you won’t be able to poke fun with us!

  • Sara

    Lol I always love the mustaches! When this bullshit it is finally over, I’d love to see you cap something like GoT…imagine the amount of villainous mustache twirling with Tyrion, Varys and Littlefinger!

    • Hahaha!! I have yet to watch Game of Thrones. But I can already imagine the hilarity of putting mustaches on all of them!

  • anon234

    All of Lily slides were hilarious .If this is the result of Lily having more screen time then i hope so in the next episode she gets still more.Oh yes the GG circle of sex is complete 🙂

    • Lily caps are the best because she has like a million different personalities to poke fun of. Love it.

  • Thanks for the recap! You’ve captured the ep perfectly. It was absolutely a BORE! Chuck and Blair scheming is fun and all but yeah, I totally agree it was just HORSES, HORSES, HORSES! leading to a convoluted reveal with Bart. The rest really was blah, blah, blah. Love the return of the mustaches! LMAO. Bart’s mustache beard is freaking me out. If he has a beard, now he’ll be a woolly mammoth by season’s end! The man’s evilness is bound to increase! 😀

  • becky

    where/how do you get such clear screencaps? keep up the amazing work!

  • RufusWaffles

    I read your recaps at work but I find that I have to switch back to serious stuff every few frames to stop myself from laughing loudly. Thank you for making my work days better, please recap another show once our beloved GG is over 🙂

  • Tiffany

    Michael I am crashing your GG post. I don’t watch GG. The only show I watch covered on your website is TVD, and I am missing your reviews desperately. Thursday night. Watch TVD. Wait patiently until Friday. Check No White Noise all day long until Michael posts his review. I feel like my sunshine has been taken away!

  • Brittany

    Lies CB have been very entertaining. Now Nate on the other hand HAS been boring for the past 2 seasons and that needs to change. Just because he’s like the only one still holding on to some morals doesn’t mean he has to be boring GG writers!

  • leelee

    i can’t even describe my happiness. holy mothertrcuker, haha this is absolutely hilarious! i love gossip girl but it’s definitely lost the plot and it now bores me. you should write for them. it would provide amusement to their lost viewers.