Guys. We only have a few days before the end of an era. On Monday, THIS MONDAY, Gossip Girl, once known as The Greatest Show of Our Time, is going to be over. Forever. I can’t even think about it too long. My life is going to be so empty.
Anyway, in preparation for the final farewell, I have prepared a short list of what I am going to be missing the most about Gossip Girl. And yes, this is completely 100% serious. Just like Michael’s recaps. Enjoy! And throw in your own items in the comments.
Over the last two seasons the only thing our beloved Nathaniel has been noticed for, besides his love of cougars and never-ending state of confusion, is the horrible distraction that once was his upper lip. It was supposed to just be a ‘lacrosse injury’ (even though he had long ago dropped out of Columbia and never would have been able to maintain the grades needed to be on the team anyway), although we all knew that was just code for ‘the herp.’ But unfortunately for poor Natey, even after well over a year of healing time the little ‘injury’ has left quite the mark. While watching I’ve taken to playing a little game called ‘spot the lip,’ because while from some angles he looks almost normal, from others his deformed beak is literally the only thing I can see or hear on my TV screen. I know money has been a little tight over at the Spectator, but you would think someone over there on the UES would help a kid out. His mom, the grandfather, Lily for GG-sake! Someone hook that poor boy up with a plastic surgeon. I know you all know at least one.
Who can forget those lavish spreads of eggs, muffins, croissants? Not to mention Serena’s go-to of berries and sparkles, and Rufus’s beloved waffles. Breakfast is basically a supporting character on Gossip Girl and I will miss it. Especially because even after all these years no one ever eats more than a nibble or two of all these delicious spreads. The self control of these people never ceases to amaze me. I would be plowing through those plates like Chuck Bass in a liquor store.
…Or lack thereof. Rufus is proud of Dan’s success: blank face. Lily tells Rufus she is leaving him for Bart: blank face. Rufus seduces Ivy: blank face. Rufus is disappointed in Dan: you guessed it, blank face. Rufus Humphrey and his tan, smooth, shiny baby face could really kill it at a poker tournament. Now that yet another househusband gig has dried up for him, he should really consider that career path for his future.
Watching TV with Subtitles
Never on any show have there ever been so many horrible speakers. In the very beginning there was marble-mouth Serena, then Chuck Bass revealed his true Batman-self, and finally there was the ever increasing parade of French people with accents that only seemed to become more indistinguishable with time. I’ve never experienced another show where I had to rewatch scenes just to understand what the characters were saying. I, like many other long term fans, soon learned that put the subtitles on made it a lot easier to follow the barely understandable plots on the first go around.
The Convenience of Offscreenlandia
Is a main character going through a pregnancy with a guest character that everyone hates? Have a miscarriage and forget like it ever happened. Do the two main adults on your show have a kid together that no one really connects with and whose existence makes it a bit awkward that their other children are dating? Eh, send him back where he came from and never speak of him again. Do you simply have no way to get from A to B without developing some totally complicated, long-lasting plotline? Simply have the characters discuss it after the fact so it is understood it happened outside of the episode. Never before has a show gotten so much use out of the old phrase “it happened off screen.” Characters and plotlines disappear forever at the drop of hat, never to be seen or heard from again. Sure, sometimes it can be a bit annoying and confusing to never get the closure that comes from the neat resolution of a storyline, but for the most part I find Offscreenlandia (an Internet name for the place where all these characters and stories go to live when their time on the show has ended) and the Gossip Girl elements that now reside there to be a wonderful place and I hope to someday get to revisit it and all it now contains.