Guys. We only have a few days before the end of an era. On Monday, THIS MONDAY, Gossip Girl, once known as The Greatest Show of Our Time, is going to be over. Forever.  I can’t even think about it too long. My life is going to be so empty.

Anyway, in preparation for the final farewell, I have prepared a short list of what I am going to be missing the most about Gossip Girl.  And yes, this is completely 100% serious. Just like Michael’s recaps.  Enjoy! And throw in your own items in the comments.

The Lip

Over the last two seasons the only thing our beloved Nathaniel has been noticed for, besides his love of cougars and never-ending state of confusion, is the horrible distraction that once was his upper lip.  It was supposed to just be a ‘lacrosse injury’ (even though he had long ago dropped out of Columbia and never would have been able to maintain the grades needed to be on the team anyway), although we all knew that was just code for ‘the herp.’ But unfortunately for poor Natey, even after well over a year of healing time the little ‘injury’ has left quite the mark.  While watching I’ve taken to playing a little game called ‘spot the lip,’ because while from some angles he looks almost normal, from others his deformed beak is literally the only thing I can see or hear on my TV screen.  I know money has been a little tight over at the Spectator, but you would think someone over there on the UES would help a kid out. His mom, the grandfather, Lily for GG-sake! Someone hook that poor boy up with a plastic surgeon. I know you all know at least one.

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The Breakfasts

Who can forget those lavish spreads of eggs, muffins, croissants? Not to mention Serena’s go-to of berries and sparkles, and Rufus’s beloved waffles. Breakfast is basically a supporting character on Gossip Girl and I will miss it.  Especially because even after all these years no one ever eats more than a nibble or two of all these delicious spreads.  The self control of these people never ceases to amaze me.  I would be plowing through those plates like Chuck Bass in a liquor store.

Adult Emotions

…Or lack thereof. Rufus is proud of Dan’s success: blank face.  Lily tells Rufus she is leaving him for Bart: blank face. Rufus seduces Ivy: blank face. Rufus is disappointed in Dan: you guessed it, blank face. Rufus Humphrey and his tan, smooth, shiny baby face could really kill it at a poker tournament. Now that yet another househusband gig has dried up for him, he should really consider that career path for his future.

Watching TV with Subtitles

Never on any show have there ever been so many horrible speakers.  In the very beginning there was marble-mouth Serena, then Chuck Bass revealed his true Batman-self, and finally there was the ever increasing parade of French people with accents that only seemed to become more indistinguishable with time.  I’ve never experienced another show where I had to rewatch scenes just to understand what the characters were saying. I, like many other long term fans, soon learned that put the subtitles on made it a lot easier to follow the barely understandable plots on the first go around.

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The Convenience of Offscreenlandia

Is a main character going through a pregnancy with a guest character that everyone hates? Have a miscarriage and forget like it ever happened.  Do the two main adults on your show have a kid together that no one really connects with and whose existence makes it a bit awkward that their other children are dating? Eh, send him back where he came from and never speak of him again. Do you simply have no way to get from A to B without developing some totally complicated, long-lasting plotline?  Simply have the characters discuss it after the fact so it is understood it happened outside of the episode.  Never before has a show gotten so much use out of the old phrase “it happened off screen.”  Characters and plotlines disappear forever at the drop of hat, never to be seen or heard from again. Sure, sometimes it can be a bit annoying and confusing to never get the closure that comes from the neat resolution of a storyline, but for the most part I find Offscreenlandia (an Internet name for the place where all these characters and stories go to live when their time on the show has ended) and the Gossip Girl elements that now reside there to be a wonderful place and I hope to someday get to revisit it and all it now contains.

I'm Sam, your reality TV expert. When it comes to television my motto is: the trashier, the better. If a show is winning Emmys and making critics swoon, it probably isn't my style. I'll take Kardashians and teen moms over great acting and writing any day of the week.
  • Em

    Offscreenlandia is a magical place… Like Narnia really.

  • The Breakfasts! YES!! I thought I was the only one that salivated over those lavish spreads.and was annoyed that all that food went to waste. LOL. I bet if you looked at the breakfasts over the seasons you can see the show’s decline hah.

    What is the deal with Chace Crawford’s lip anyway? Shouldn’t it have healed by now? It’s so distracting on such a lovely face.

    I agree with your whole list. 🙂 I guess the only thing I’d add is that I’ll miss Gossip Girl’s trouble dealing with the space time continuum. It’s gotten progressively crazier. At first it was little things like characters being able to get from Manhatten to Brooklyn and back in 3 minutes.. But I think it may have reached a new level of absurdity last episode when Chuck showed up at Bart’s event IN A TUX NO LESS not long after escaping a plane that crash on it’s way to Moscow. LOL. They stopped trying to make sense a long time ago.

  • Sorry for the plug, but please check out my attempt to put many of the GG delights you mention into song form:

  • Nicole

    OMG. THE BREAKFASTS. All the food really. I was salivating over it since the beginning of the show, I would watch six more seasons of the show even at it’s worst this season if I could actually eat the food they show.

  • QMargo

    I’ll miss Michael Collado’s photo-recaps of GG the most…and the fat-ass earrings the women on this show wore.

  • ahahahhahahah!amazing!”the lip!” honestly was chace’s lip always that way?or the breakfast!!i would eat like a pig in starvation!i’m going to miss the amazing capability of drinking lots and lots of alcohol without stuttering,feeling dizzy or vomiting.i will miss the outrageously sky-high heels that the girls are wearing and they’re supposed to run on them all day long!and of course i will miss the fact that EVERYONE went to iny league by partying,having sex and drinking,leaving school and no studying at all!GG started in ’07 when i was a freshman in college and now it’s finished.i practically spent my after-teen years with this show and now i’m sooooo sad that it’s over!i feel older!:(

    • IRL Chace got into some sort of bar fight, I think, during season five. I don’t know why he hasn’t gotten it probably fixed. He really needs to if he plans to ever work again in the entertainment industry. He can’t get by on his ‘acting’ skills alone.

      • really?oh i thought that it was know some people every couple of months or so,have herpes on their lips,cause once you have it,it never goes away.sad thing but true.i didn’t know about the bar fight,but to be honest it’s a little disturbing.i think he should fix it.

      • Marina

        actually… from Perez Hilton:

        “Chace Crawford partied a little too hard the night before he said goodbye to 2011 and injured himself at a Miami club.

        The injury was so severe that the Gossip Girl star needed several stitches to seal up the wound. Eek! Sounds painful!

        He reportedly slipped on ice at club Liv at the Fontainebleau Hotel and smacked his pretty face against the ground, as one source explained:

        “He slipped, hit his face and ended up with a cut and bruises. He ended up spending New Year’s Eve partying with friends in his suite.”

        That doesn’t sound like the best way to ring in 2012, but then again, a hotel suite is probably a lot more fun than a hospital.

        Glad you’re all stitched up and recovering, Chace!”

    • Lol I know right! Because the Ivy league is so easy to get into haha. And lol forever at the idea Nate could even figure out how to apply for college at all.

      Plus everyone’s entire college experience seem to have taken place largely in Offscreenlandia. If they ever showed up, people would probably be like, “She doesn’t even go here”

      • ”nate could figure out how to apply for college”!!!!!!!!!!!ahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahah i’m crying!bless your heart!

  • I am going to miss the bending of the time space continuum.

  • Oh, I will also miss the super-hearing.

  • hmmm i never noticed chace’s lips, I have always found him ridiculously gorgeous

  • ronan03

    I will miss the hotness that is Chuck Bass. Actually I will miss everything about GG.

  • Val

    I shall miss the clothes. Oh those beautiful clothes… I’ll also miss NYC and how they filmed it.
    I definitely WON’T miss the common-sense plotholes that made me partially bald from pulling my hair out.

  • angelInstead

    I will miss the fact that everyone can walk in on everyone’s secret/private moments and build all the drama on that!