It’s summer and that officially means that it’s time for a new season of Big Brother! Season 15, guys. Big Brother has grown into a rowdy, rebellious teenager hanging out with drunkards and coming home late and bringing guys to meet its parents that totally do not agree with its parents’ vision for its daughter. In other words, things could have gone incredibly bad and awkward and acne-faced for the season 15 premiere, but instead everything was smooth … or smooth as it could be for guilty pleasure TV.
We started off with Julie Chen inside the house looking at all of the cameras after every single line. Turn. Turn. Turn. Biggest disappointment so far? The Big Brother cameras are still standard definition. When will the CBS people learn that we want to see all of this great drama in painstakingly clear HD?
However, there is something new about this season: the exterior set. Holy crap, what an upgrade. Basically, I’m digging this. It’s incredibly self-important but most importantly flashy. We could spend an entire post admiring it.
But first, we must meet he houseguests. I’ve got to be real honest here; I can hardly remember everyone’s names when it’s just 13 houseguests. Now they want me to remember 16? Yeah, no. So I’ll be referencing everyone by nicknames I made up that you can hopefully identify with.
For the first few weeks, not everybody is really important anyway. So let’s get to who we’ll be talking about during this recap. First up, we’ve got Train Conductor who I’m sure meant to be speaking the entire game but all I heard was a garbled mess. That’s why I think he should make an alliance with Judd (whose name I actually remember because he lives in the South and Ashley Judd wanted to run for office some place there) because I have no idea what either of them are saying the entire time they move their mouths.
Then, we’ve got Rory Culkin (just look at the Google images!) who is shaping up to be my favorite of our bunch thus far; there’s Rachel’s sister who looks exactly like Rachel but doesn’t want to admit it and will probably be first out the door like Russel’s brother; Bible guy; High-Octave Ego Dude; Ego Girl (the brunette one who thinks she’s all that); Surfer Dude; Staten Island; Jacob Black; and Redheaded guy. For some reason, Big Brother decided it should actually expand its token minority character from one to — get this — two houseguests this year. In years past, we’d have a black gay guy. Now we get a black houseguest and a gay one! Diversity up in the house!
Everyone is getting along like they won’t hate each others’ guts. Rory Culkin stands up and tells everyone that he’s a pizza delivery guy. “He ain’t no pizza delivery guy!” says everyone in the diary room. “You can’t fool us, mad genius scientist man!” Turns out Rory Culkin can fool more than he wanted to because he is a pizza deliver guy! He delivers pizza as a profession, but everyone thinks he has some crazy smart high-profile position, like pizza chef or something. “He has to at least be making them pizzas!”
With everyone off in their own circles getting drunk off champagne, this gives everyone ample time to talk. Jacob Black secures Bible Man and Train Conductor in a room.
“Pwease pwease pwease let’s be an alliance.” Train Conductor is good with it because as he sees it Jacob Black and Bible Man are very physically fit … plus, he himself has a great social game (which he gathered from the 15 minutes they’ve been in the house).
“I shall join you in a partnership,” Conductor declares. “A gentleman’s agreement.”
“Don’t backstab me, okay guys. Pwease?” Jacob Black asks. Cut to the next scene and Jacob Black is creating another alliance with a couple of other people. The potential backstabee has already become the backstabber. “Alliances are just falling into my lap … just how I’d like all the ladies to fall into my lap,” he says.
Which, by the way, is the biggest twist of the season: everyone wants to get laid really badly in Big Brother 15. You can practically smell the hormones. I told you it was a riled up teenager.
So now Jacob Black has two alliances: one with Conductor and Bible Man and another with Ego Girl and Surfer Dude. The latter was initiated by Ego Girl because she doesn’t think she can be in a group with other girls since girls are always “coming after her.” “Girls are just so jealous of my beauty. Ugh. I’m just so hot. Don’t you agree? Aren’t I hot? Look how hot I am? That’s right, you’re speechless by my hotness.”
Collective “ugh,” everyone.
No time to get friendly, though. Julie is back on the television ready to reveal a twist.
“This season, there won’t be just two nominees — but three!” I always love this part because everyone’s face grows wide-eyed and mouth agape. “We didn’t expect this because it was completely unexpected!” But Julie won’t tell them just yet how there could be three nominees. That darn Julie. She’s such a tease.
Turns out it’s time for the Head Of Household competition and it should be easy for Rachel’s Sister. All the houseguests must cling on to a popsicle for as long as they can; this kind of stamina competition would be a breeze for Rachel. Not so for the sis. Albeit, she didn’t fall off quickly, but she didn’t win either.
First to fall down, however, is Judd, followed quickly by Bible Man. Before we know it, there are only four people left: Rory Culkin, Surfer Dude, Jacob Black, and Ego Man. Bible Man is all, “Man, I need Jacob Black to win this for us so I can feel safe.” BUT HE JUST FINISHED TELLING US HE THREW THE COMPETITION. Why is it that newcomers never learn the first unspoken rule, every man for himself? C’mon, guy. Enticed by the possibility of never being a have-not, Surfer Dude jumps off … but gets bupkis. That’s when Jacob Black sees the opportunity to rub his good food and warm showers in everyone’s faces and become a huge target and jumps down second.
“Ugh, Jacob Black, noooooo! You were supposed to do this for us, man!” cries Bible Man.
So now it’s just Rory and Ego. “I won’t nominate you,” says Rory. Ego considers it. “Sheeeeeet I don’t get nominated plus I’m safe! Betcho ass I will!” And with that, Ego jumps off.
It’s official: Rory is Big Brother 15′s first HOH. “I knew he couldn’t just be a pizza delivery guy,” says everyone.
But there’s no time for celebration. Julie calls everyone back into the living room to reveal the second half of the twist. It turns out, in a twist I couldn’t care less for, the audience will vote for the BB MVP each week and that person, in secret, will be able to nominate a third houseguest.
“Oh, no. Not more unexpected news. I could not have predicted this because I did not expect it to happen,” is everyone’s reaction. Bible Man does what has to be the most hilarious deadpan to the camera ever and then cuts to his diary session.
“Man, what? BB MVP? What? This is crazy. Nobody is safe. What? BB MVP? What? Can’t believe this!” Then I cried a million tears of laughter. Should have stayed up longer on that popsicle, guy!
And with that, everyone’s Big Brother summer was shaken upside down. Now these guys are playing for two audiences: the house and for us. I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of the MVP twist. I want them to play against the houseguest, not against us. And the audience will only vote for their favorites, which depends on the edit that CBS gives everyone. All in all, quite meh. But I will say that I’m digging the huge egos that are in the house this season … only because they will hopefully be turning on each other within a week. And let’s face it, we all watch Big Brother for the drama.
I just wasn’t expecting this because it was not expected!