Gossip Girl countdown: Who is Diana Payne?

There are five weeks until the next new episode of The Greatest Show Of Our Time, and in lieu of photo recaps, we’re doing something even more awesome! (Okay that last part is up to you to decide. It’s different, I’ll tell you that.) We’re going to be answering the midseason finale cliffhangers that the show left us with in that heart-wrenching, heart-pumping, heart-aching episode.

Like, will Chuck Bass die!?

No. Stop questioning that already. It’s not going to happen.

Instead, this week we’ll be taking a closer look at Diana Payne. Who is Diana Payne? Well, she’s a sex-crazed, diabolical, Ivy-hating, 5’8″ international woman of mystery! (See what I did there? Really? No, are you serious? Okay, fine. There, now we can all have ourselves a good laugh!) We know that for sure, but what we don’t know is the relation she has to Chuck and the rest of our Gossip gang.

Last we saw Diana, she was in the back of a limo or town car answering a phone call from Chuck’s uncle, Jack, who told her “There’s been an accident.” A wrinkle-chinned Diana deadpanned: “How bad?”

“I wouldn’t take a risk like this…” Jack replies, and before the calamity subdues, it’s faint, but you can hear the montone in his voice. Diana opens her eyes wide. She states she’ll be on the next plane.

“You’ll meet us there?” she asks and then looks pained. Kristen Bell says something, the shot cuts out with that dramatic musical score — and then we have to wait six weeks. So who is she!? Here are a few possibilities:

Diana Payne is Chuck’s mother

Chuck may or may not have found his mother during the climax of what shall now be known as “The Hotel Incident,” but we’re betting it’s the latter — may not. It was never truly clear if Elizabeth, the woman who was at Bart Bass’s grave and ultimately was part of Jack’s scheme to take Chuck’s hotel from him, is Chuck’s mom. What is known is that she loves (loved?) Jack and the actress looked a bit similar to Ed Westwick.

But step aside Ms. Fisher! Elizabeth Hurley and her fantastic British accent are in town for the mother of all secrets: She’s Charles’s mum!!!!!

Can’t you see it now? Diana Payne has come back to town to make peace with her son for abandoning him all these years, after faking faking her own death. She schemes with Grandfather (that’s Nate’s grandfather, no one else is called by that name… he is the only one with a grandfather on the show apparently, so whenever someone says “Grandfather” you know it’s him, just FYI) to take down Gossip Girl before the blog can have enough time to figure out who she is. Grandfather is particularly interested in taking down Gossip Girl because she’s never peeped a word about him and even though he says he’d rather not be on it, secretly he envies everyone else for having been in the spotlight.

Diana would love to tell Chuck that she’s his mom but frets it’s not the right time. She’d rather tell him in a more intimate setting, but she can’t have him guessing that she’s his mum before that time! So what’s a girl to do? Yes! Have sex with his best friend! He’ll never guess it’s her! His mum would never do that! It’s the perfect cover.

Nate having sex with Chuck’s mom would also create the best, most incestual Gossip Girl love triangle yet! Blair love trapezoid who? Ain’t got nothin’ on this! Imagine the heartbroken and horny Diana having to decide between the son she’s abandoned and the guy she basically paid to have sex with her.

Fairytales do come true. Tear. Even more tears when you realize it would basically be Sophie’s Choice.

And it makes perfect sense for why Diana would be on “the first plane” back to New York. That’s her baby that’s (not really because he’s a series regular and kind of a major character, but sure…) dying! Perhaps she’s the only one that can save him. Those promos do say that Chuck lost a lot of blood.

Diana being Chuck’s mom would almost be too good of a dramatic storyline. So who is she referencing when she tells Jack that he will meet “us” there? Is it her and  — gasp! — Bart Bass!? Or — gasp! again! — Chuck’s real father?! Thud! Whoops, sorry, all that gasping made me faint. Literally.

Bart left Diana for Lily… and she’s back for revenge!

We saw that Lily somewhat decided to leave Rufus (even though she loved him and told him that before getting married and also slept with him…) to get married to Bart Bass, but did you ever consider the possibility that Bart had his own fling? Just like Lily, Bart met Diana at a young age and just couldn’t stop loving her. That’s why he had a picture of her from way back when in that creepy van der Woodsen vault.

Now that we think of it, it all makes sense doesn’t it? Diana gets into Nate’s pants so that she can have someone on the “inside” of the Upper Eastside, then she begins a “newspaper” (it’s a blog, let’s start calling it that people on GG, ‘kay?) and starts a war with Gossip Girl! But why?

So she can make Lily as non-existant and as irrelevant as she possibly can.

It’s perfect. She’s even going to use her own daughter to do the dirty work. Last we saw Serena, she wanted to take down Gossip Girl once and for all — and she’s someone who knows a thing or two about being called irrelevant. Oh, history sure does repeat itself.

So Diana creates this masterful plan to take down Gossip Girl and control the UES media, making Lily a nobody.

What Diana unfortunately doesn’t know is that Lily is already irrelevant. But let’s not spoil her plan. She’s worked so hard on it.

So who’s the “us” Diana references when she talks to Jack on the phone? Well, it’s so obvious: she’s meeting Jack in an area where Lily is readily available… and vulnerable. That way, they can attack! Or something like that. Why would Jack be there?, you ask? Oh that’s a good question. Uh… he hates anyone Chuck loves? Good answer?

Diana Payne is Bart Bass

This is a completely original and authentic theory… Gossip Girlsss who? What hilarious podcast? I don’t know to what you’re referring.

Imagine this: Bart Bass is dating Lily van der Woodsen, then he marries her, then he becomes jealous of her and Rufus, then he realizes it’s not jealousy — it’s envy. What’s he to do? He can’t just change into a woman. He’s been building an empire, he has a reputation… who would respect him after that?! That’s when he fakes his own death and becomes Diana Payne. It’s so crazy, it’s believable.

So he pretends to like Nate to get himself closer to his son. It’s not like he could pretend to like his son, that would be beyond gross. But instead of just using Nate, he realizes he starts falling for him. His surgery doesn’t allow for his face to emote properly, which is why we can never actually tell if Diana is sad, turned on, smiling, being mischievous or what. It’s all just one face.

So where does Grandfather come into play? Perhaps Diana/Bart (Dart? Bianna?) realized he needed a different empire to build instead of real estate. What’s a guy who’s used to ruling a sector of income to do? Rule another sector of income making! Grandfather was the only one who could understand his decision to become Diana since he so often dreams of being a woman, too.

So Dart confided in him. And Grandfather conceded, offering him a blogging empire if he did his grandson —

— a favor. Which is to… do… something… I don’t know, that part is still fuzzy. But once he realized Bianna was sleeping with him, he shut her down and shunned her out!

So why is there a picture of Diana in the vault? Wrong question. You should be asking: who is that a picture of? That’s not Diana… that’s a woman Bart once saw and aspired to look like her; he kept that picture all of this time so that one day surgeons could mold the perfect face. He remembered he had to get it out of the vault lest he wanted everyone to know his little secret, which is why he pushed Ivy for some dirt knowing she’d find the vault and bring him the picture with the face he’s always wanted! For the most part, they did a good job replicating it, no?

So who’s the “us” Dart/Bianna Pass/Bayne is speaking of? Well, these girlsss I know nothing about (no, seriously the podcast is amazing, go check it out if you haven’t already!) would probably tell you that us is the two people that Bianna is! She’s both Bart and Diana.

Who else would Jack meet if not the both of them? And what if it’s for the first time? Drama!

So obviously, it’s one of the above. But we want to know: Who do you think Diana Payne is? And what other cliffhangers would you like us to answer in the coming weeks? Drop a comment below!