Gossip Girl 5.18 ‘Con Heir’ producers’ preview: Dan’s [redacted] are still blue

I feel like there hasn’t been any Gossip Girl in my life for an eternity. In reality, it’s only been about three weeks, but still.

It appears that when we return from this hiatus, Dan’s… ahem… y’know… will still be backed up as they have been for a year and a half now. Not that we couldn’t guess that from the promo, which shoved it in our faces. (I’m sorry, that’s honestly an unavoidable pun.) And the reason for that is one that made me feel undoubtedly stupid: his parents are living in the loft with him!

Oh, goodness. I honestly feel so facepalm idiotic that it’s not even, actually, funny. So, yeah, those two are trying to go at it and their parents are like “Uh, no.”

Elsewhere, Lily realizes that being put out her home makes her even more irrelevant and has hired someone to dig up some Ivy dirt. Ivy, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why everyone hates her. So the solution is to invite everyone that hates her into their own home by throwing a party with their money. Oh… uh okay.

Both Serena and Nate are having blog problems, and honestly, that’s like the most relatable part to this episode. I completely understand about the blog problems you guys. The last time a bitchy elitist blogger sent me her laptop full of information I could have easily gotten on the Internet, I was so confused too. It was devastating.

And finally, Chuck is told by his uncle that he saved his life (even though there are blood banks in New York, I’m sure, unless Chuck has some sort of magical UES blood that only really wealthy people adapt to) and now they’re in cahoots. Obviously this means Diana is Chuck’s dad. So.

Are you ready for “Con Heir!?” Is the show going to make any sense soon!? Are you annoyed by my need to snark up a preview because it’s been so long!? If so, I’m sorry!…?