America’s Next Top Model recap: Making a music video

After a week off, America’s Next Top Model is back! And we start off with Laura still talking about that friend of hers that passed away, and when the British girls steal a stuff animal that this friend gave her and rip its ear off, Laura flips and starts screaming. “It’s like they were pushing Kevin away from me,” she says. I think Laura needs to talk to someone after this is over, and I don’t mean Tyra.

Then, after the drama, Lisa shows up! She’s an ANTM Allstar! (What that means, I really have no idea. I still never see her face anywhere). Lisa is at the house to tell the girls that their challenge this week is to make a music video as a group, UK vs. US of course, with their songs co-written by Lisa herself. The girls are all excited about their mentors, two washed up former girl group members (really, who else would do it?), and get right down to the business of learning their lyrics.

The UK girls name themselves ‘Fiercely British’ and they rock the recording studio. The US, or ‘United Sirens of America’ struggle a bit more. ‘Singing’ (were any of them REALLY singing?) is obviously not their thing.

At the dance studio, who else would be their choreographer but Tyra? There is no need to hire a professional, she is obviously an expert dancer. Or, at least she is an expert booty-toocher, which is the most important part of dancing, of course. AzMarie refuses to put on Tyra’s ‘tooch pads’ (spandex with a butt pad) and is forced to leave the teach. “I’m a grown-ass women,” she says in the confessional, “I don’t have to put up with this shit.” Good for you, girl! It makes my heart soar to watch someone not give in to Tyra’s every crazy whim, and I think I may be converted to an AzMarie fan for this reason alone.

First, Tyra teaches the girls the BAD tooches: Hoochie-tooch, Poochie-tooch, etc etc. And then she teaches them how to really tooch. The American girls are naturals, but will AzMarie’s absence hurt them?

At the video shoot, the UK girls had a ton of energy while the US girls struggled to stay in sync. This is particularly a problem for Kyle, who apparently only has one expression: wide-eyed fear. She stumbles through the choreography and, according to Jay, drags the whole group down. AzMarie, who has been killing this competition, is now being criticized for developing a bad attitude. Obviously the show-runners are trying to bring her down and even the field a bit.

At the judging, we actually get to see the entirety of the music videos, and they are just as awful as you’d imagine. As expected, the UK’s video is miles above the Americans’ effort. All the UK girls get great critiques, so no one is shocked when Alisha gets called first (in fact, all the British girls get called before any Americans do), and Kyle and AzMarie are in the bottom 2. But, in the shocker of the season, Kyle stays and AzMarie goes home. As a recently converted AzMarie fan, I have to say I am a little bitter. This girl has produced nothing but fierce pictures, and she was sent home, basically, for not butting up with Tyra’s schtick. Whatever, she is better off. I’m sure she’ll find success without help from Top Model. Or Tyra.

And if anyone is interested, the girls’ singles are available for you to download on the CW’s website. So, you know, there’s that.

Tune in next week to see who gets sent home next!