Suburgatory 1×22 ‘The Motherload’ recap: I Cannot Believe You Found an Ivory Tusk Crib!

An oddly emotional Mother’s Day season finale of Suburgatory if I do say so myself, which kicked off with an emo-remix of the theme song.

Immediately Eden wants to talk to Tessa about Tessa missing her mom. And of course Eden does, it’s just so typical of her weird hippie dippie character. Whatever.

Noah and Jill: “I’m so glad we went with an endangered animals theme for the nursery.” Genius. Noah and Jill also want to steal Carmen (the maid) away from the Royce’s “because Carmen can easily do things that exasperate most white people.” Again, genius.

Ok, I don’t know if any of you all watched The Bachelorette on Monday night, but if you did and you didn’t see a direct correlation between bachelorette Emily and Dallas Royce, you’re crazy. I think they might be twins separated at birth. Their southerness is overwhelming in an amazing way. And speaking of the Royces, I want to be Dalia Royce when I grow up. Her bitchy nonchalance is admirable and I laugh at everything she says. And I think she only had two lines in this episode. And they were awesome.

So, the Royces have always  gone to Israel for Mothers Day. Israel? “Oh my gosh, yes. Every person should make the pilgrimage to Israel, and not just for the Dead Sea wraps, but also for the fusion cuisine.” Dalia and her dad are still going to Israel even though Dallas and Steven are divorced, because Dalia always puts her own needs first, because again, Dalia is a bitch in the most amazing way.

So Dallas leans on Tessa a little. And like, when are we going to get over this whole Dallas being Tessa’s mother-figure thing? It’s getting real old, real fast. I’m bored of it. Maybe it’s over. Maybe it will continue forever. Who knows.

Noah and Jill decide to throw Eden (who is their surrogate) a baby shower on Mothers Day (an endangered species themed shower, duh). Jill starts talking to Eden’s belly saying “Can you say Mommy? Can you say Mommy Jill Werner?” which might not look great in writing, but was hilarious in the spoken word because it was done in a fake/awkward baby voice that you would use towards another adult. She then proceeded to play “got your nose!” with the baby bump.

I also loved that at the baby shower Tessa tasted and was disgusted by cucumber cream cheese finger sandwiches. I love British people as much as the next guy. And by that I mean I love British people way more than everyone else, but the finger sandwiches thing is something I will never understand and am completely repulsed by. I firmly stand by Tessa in her hatred for cucumber cream cheese sandwiches. Gross.

Lisa finds out she’s not adopted and she’s all sad about it. Then when she finds out that her brother (who I recently watched on Mad Men during my 3-epsidoe catch up sesh last night) is the adopted one. And an amazing song played during her big realization and I Shazamed it and it didn’t work. Seriously ABC, fuck you for playing a non-Shazamable song. I’ve complained about it before and I will complain about it again and every other time it happens. It’s infuriating.

Then Dallas, crippled in the hospital from the Mothers Day 5k, hallucinates her dog Yakult talking to her, voiced by Whoopie Goldberg (Molly, you in danger, girl!) She realizes she missse Dalia and should have asked her to stay. She asks Tessa to call Dalia to tell her to come home from Israel. This hurts Tessa’s feelings and then she drives home all sad and upset (and that song was Shazamable and it was “Possibility” by Lykk Li… from the “New Moon” Soundtrack #truestory) only to find her estranged maternal grandmother at her house waiting for her.

All in all, great first season of a show. But the second half did fall off a little and I’m already lost and confused when I think about where this show is going to go next. I mean, Jeremy Sisto has had a goatee the entire time, and I’m definitely not OK with that. But if Suburgatory keeps up its silly antics, I think it has a bright future.