That’s it. It’s happening. It’s official. Come October 8th, Rufus Humphrey will be seen cuddling up with none other than…
Ivy Dickens! O. M. G. moments were not prepared for something of this magnitude and I personally believe it’s not getting as much attention as it should be getting. Upper East Side’s most flawless and amazing fraud, not-Charlie, is necking with her arch nemesis’ greatest love? If this is not one of GG‘s most manufactured scandalous moment, then I don’t know what is!
And you know what? I don’t even care! It’s going to be the best thing that happens on that day, I promise.
But the real question here is why? Why are Ivy and Rufus about to do the tonsel hockey (and more) that will shock the UES to its core? Well, that’s where we come in. The following are three completely sound and not at all stupid or crazy ideas as to why these two will be swapping spit (and more?) in season 6:
3. Rufus needs the money
Last we saw Rufus, he had just been dumped by his wife and love of his life Lily Rhodes/van der Woodsen/Bass/Humphrey/Bass (again). But more important than being his wife and his love, SHE WAS HIS WALLET, MAN! We all know how much Rufus enjoys being a househusband all day eating Eggos and pretending to be a “manager,” a job which consists of passing out fliers for some craptastic indie band. Meanwhile, he buys expensive jewelry, he wears nice suits, and he’s not in complete financial ruin. How is that?
A little spending money from his wife Lily.
But since she decided to annul their marriage, Rufus has had to move back into his Brooklyn loft — something he supposedly enjoyed when he was still married to Lily…but now that she’s left him and there’s no money left, what’s a top ten forgotten band member from the ’90s to do?
Oh, I don’t know…how’s about sleep with the UESer who recently inherited $25 million? Yup, sounds about right. And that’s exactly what Rufus is doing here. Let’s just say, Rufus is making a deposit…in more ways than one wink wink this is a totally subtle joke.
So, OBVIOUSLY, Rufus seduces Ivy in hopes of her becoming his sugar momma so that he can be a kept man again. OBVIOUSLY.
2. They’re just in the mood
This is a boring option, but it’s an option nonetheless. We’ve got to consider that perhaps Rufus and Ivy are just, well, how do I put this delicately…? HORNY AS SHIT. I don’t know! Anyway, that’s totally an option. And you know what, both Ivy and Rufus are pretty good-looking people, and good-looking people generally like to bang other good-looking people. This is the one fact of our universe.
Rufus has been having tough times with his ex-wife Lily for so long you got to imagine they haven’t done the deed in some time; and with the hot, sweaty summer months passing by…an empty loft and a willing Ivy…anything could happen! Ivy herself has not gotten some since she lied to her boyfriend and decided to be a fulltime fraud. In a show like Gossip Girl, it’s hard to imagine people going without sex for a half an episode let alone an entire season! (Or a season and a half; Dan’s balls, we feel you. Wait. No. I mean… YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. EW.)
So yeah, sometimes people just need some sexual healin’. And that could totally be happening here. Talk about O. M. G.
1. Ivy thinks she’s Vanessa (or something to that effect)
So this is the most practical reason of them all. We previously established that Ivy Dickens could actually, quite possibly have a real identity disorder. There was that one extremely iconic time when she asked Dan to call her Serena in the middle of getting down and dirty. Well, what if this condition is specific to the Humphrey men? What if Ivy morphs (in her mind) into the people they’ve fallen for?
Sure, Lily is Rufus’s love, but we ALL know that Vanessa was Rufus’s all-time GREATEST love. A love like theirs can only be rivaled by Dan and CeCe’s (my heart!).
Therefore, what if Ivy decided she was going to be Vanessa and came on to Rufus? Just imagine it: “Call me Vanessa.” And Rufus would because we all know that Rufus has eye banged Vanessa more times than we can actually count.
OR…and this is also extremely plausible, what if Ivy decided she wanted to be Serena and then displaced Rufus’s identity as Dan and so in HER mind Dan (Rufus) and Serena (Ivy) are the ones doing the nasty? In this scenario, Rufus just wants to bang Ivy because she’s hot. And that’s not implausible at all.
I’m just saying.
Of course, there could be a multitude of other reasons as to why these two are going to get down and dirty in the final season premiere of Gossip Girl, but these were just three of the most obvious and practical ones. If it’s not one of these, I just don’t see how it could actually be happening. That would just be…INORGANIC storytelling. C’mon, writers.
What do you think? Why are Ivy and Rufus going to get closer (literally) in the final season?