Game of Thrones ‘And Now His Watch is Ended’ recap: HBICs, HBICs everywhere

How badass was everyone this week?! I have one word: DRAGONS!  We also got some good ol’ fashioned blood baths and violence, with the promise of more to come. Some key figures were AWOL: Robb Stark, Jon Snow, and, most notably of all, boobs. Did you miss them? Or was there enough fighting and scheming to entertain you in their absence?

Queen Varys

Tyrion drops by Varys’s lair to chat about his sister’s intention to murder him, an issue I think we’ve all dealt with at one time or another, while Varys tries to pry open a crate sitting in the middle of the room. Instead of helping Tyrion, Varys is like, “do you wanna know how I got these scars?” And if you don’t, too bad, because he’s telling you anyway! The story of Varys’s castration boils down to a strange man buying him from his acting coach, then slicing him open and burning off his boys in some sort of magic ritual. So now he hates all magical folk, which is why he wanted to take down Stannis and his ladyfriend. Is that really it, Varys? Or are you just bitter that you never got your letter to Hogwarts, like the rest of us? Tyrion really just wants to discuss getting back at Cersei, but Varys proves himself to be the master of revenge when he finally gets the crate open and reveals the old sorcerer from his story, bound and gagged. Well damn!

Later, Varys and Ros cannot for the life of them figure out “Magic Stick” Podrick’s secret to lovin’. The subject quickly changes to another mystery: what the hell Littlefinger is up to re: bringing two feather beds on his trip to the Eyrie.

Varys pays a visit to Grandma Tyrell, and the universe somehow does not implode from the sheer volume of fierceness. Varys questions her interest in Sansa, but Olenna just says she’s an interesting girl. Varys: “Is she?” Olenna: “No, not particularly.” Varys is really, really worried about Littlefinger trying to woo Sansa, because should Robb Stark fall, she’s “the key to the North.” He’s convinced Littlefinger is out to take over the whole damn world. Is he overreacting a wee bit, or is Littlefinger a genuine threat?

Lannister vs Tyrell

Cersei and her demon offspring give Lady Olenna and Margaery a tour of the Red Keep. Joffrey gives Margaery the Joffreyest tour imaginable, pointing out all the hot spots where previous royals were slain and buried. Outside, a large crowd gathers and starts hollering about whatever. Margaery coerces Joffrey to go wave at them. Surprisingly, this does not result in rotten tomatoes being hurled at the king, but rather resembles a group of preteens greeting One Direction at an airport. Looks like Margaery’s one session of head patting and storytelling worked wonders on these plebes.

Cersei asks her dad what he’s doing to get Jaime back (ick) since he went to war for Tyrion’s kidnapping. Tywin: “If I would start a war for that lecherous little stump, what do you think I’m doing for my eldest son and heir?” She informs Tywin, with the most composed anger you’ll ever see, that she deserves respect for being his only child who actually listens to him. She brings up her distrust of the Tyrells, those pleasant do-gooders, but Tywin says at least they can control Joffrey unlike a certain someone. Cersei’s like, “you try raising the spawn of Satan, see how you like it.” Tywin: “I will.”

Margaery and her trampy dress tell Sansa that they should all be great friends and road trip over to Highgarden. She preys on Sansa’s teenage-girlness by being like, “OMG you should marry my brother and then we’ll totally be sisters!!!” Sansa is so down for that, you don’t even know.

The Night’s Watch

Behold the glory of the Night’s Watch: shovelling pig crap in the freezing cold. The boys are cranky and wary of Craster, using various pig analogies to explain their current situation. They are sitting ducks (pigs?) for the inevitable rise of the White Walkers. Sam barges in on Gilly (still holding her baby boy), who gives him back his thimble of love from last season. Ouch! She wants Sadface Sam to save her baby.

Later, hunger takes over the boys in Craster’s house. One audacious guy calls Craster a “daughter fucking, Wildling bastard” which of course leads to a chaotic Simpsons-style riot. Among the dead: Craster and Jeor Mormont (!!). Sam grabs Gilly and hightails it out of there.

Sad sack Theon

Theon, clearly desperate for a friend, spills his guts to his mystery rescuer about how he’s neither a Greyjoy nor a Stark, although he might want to think about joining The Brady Bunch because he’s pulling a real Jan Brady. “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” he pouts about Robb, then cries about killing orphans and burning down Winterfell. “My real father lost his head at King’s Landing.” Theon’s conscience? Is that you? Welcome back! His confidante assures him he hasn’t completely ruined everything, then leads him…back into the dungeon he’s just escaped from! Mystery guy: “I brought him back; he killed the others.” What the hell is going on??!!

Jaime and Brienne, sitting in a tree

Seems things have not been going so well for Jaime since last episode, where he had his right hand chopped clean off. He and Brienne are still captives of the Bolton crew and traveling around on horseback. Jaime spends a disconcerting amount of time rolling around in the mud. Get your stump out of the dirt, son! Later, Brienne gives Jaime a real talkin’ to about acting like a whiny bitch—although I think he has good reason to, Brienne—and then asks why he lied for her. Jaime doesn’t answer.

The People’s Court

The Brotherhood Without Banners leads Arya, Gendry, and The Hound into a cave. We’re introduced to a dude with an eye patch named Beric Dondarrion. Apparently this is some sort of vigilante court, as Sandor is being held for trial for murder. He denies these charges until Arya brings up his killing of Mycah, her friend from back in the day. Beric is a born-again fire god worshipper, and sentences Sandor to “trial by combat.” I’m guessing he’s got some sort of trick up his sleeve, because Sandor is like twelve stories taller than him.

BranzzzzZZZZzzzzzz

At the encouragement of his new best friend Jojen Reed, Dream Bran climbs a tree to catch the raven. He is soon accosted by Catelyn, however, who shakes the bejesus out of him and shouts, “No climbing! Promise me!” and then knocks him right out of the tree. I think I speak for everyone when I say: where is this story going and why do I care.

DRACARYS!

Daenerys hands a dragon over to Baldy in exchange for his Unsullied army, and he hands her his special whip. She stands in front of her new slave army and greets them in perfect Valyrian. Oh snap! So she understood every horrible thing Baldy said about her! She commands her army to slaughter the masters, soldiers, and every man who holds a whip (but spare the kiddies). In true slave army form, the men get right to work. Daenerys turns to her dragon and orders it to burn up Baldy. After setting fire to pretty much everything, she rounds up her troops and announces that they’re free to leave. If they fight for her, they fight as free men. They march away from Astapor with Daenerys in the lead, and her dragons overhead. What an exit!