Game of Thrones ‘Walk of Punishment’ recap: Negotiation for dummies

So what did we think of this week’s Game of Thrones? We’re still in the expositional phase of the season, it seems, so we got a lot of talk, a little action, and a whole lot of rape threats (what was that about?). Also, shout out to the return of the King’s Landing brothel scenes! No show does “sexposition” like this one does, am I right. Well, regardless of anyone’s opinion, I think we can all raise a glass to a Joffrey-free episode!

Visiting relatives always sucks

At Grandpa Tully’s funeral, Robb’s uncle Brutus Edmure Tully (how many actors from Rome are going to show up here? It’s a shame James Purefoy’s too busy misinterpreting Poe to grace us with his presence) tries and fails several times to aim a flaming arrow at a canoe carrying the man’s body. Later, he and Robb squabble about the purpose of Edmure’s capture of a mill: Robb wanted to draw “The Mountain” into his territory and put his head on a spike, but instead all he gets is a couple of random Lannister hostages. Robb wants to know what kind of leverage having Tywin’s “father’s brother’s great-grandsons” will give them. The answer: none.

Cat is feeling mighty angsty about her dad’s death, worrying that Bran and Rickon miss her the way she used to miss her dad. Her uncle Blackfish assures her that they’re alive somewhere out there, and that she needs to keep it together for Robb’s sake. Meanwhile, Talisa tends to the two young Lannister hostages and tells them that Robb is the bogeyman and also a werewolf.

Whore’s Landing

Tywin holds a council with Littlefinger, Varys, Grand Maester Pycelle, Cersei, and Tyrion. After some awkward, tension-filled chair shuffling, Tywin asks his champion gossips for the scoop on Jaime and the Starks. Varys knows surprisingly little, but does say that while Robb is in Riverrun, Lord Bolton holds Harrenhal. Tywin schemes a way to get Lysa Arryn onto his side, which is of course by having creeptastic Littlefinger marry her. Tyrion notes that with Littlefinger off courting widows, the family’s finances—and Joffrey’s big blow-out wedding—will be left unwatched, so Tywin names Tyrion Master of Coin. Cersei all but guffaws. Tyrion frets that “a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn’t taught me much about managing [money]”. But Tywin’s will be done!

Later, Littlefinger shows Tyrion where he keeps the ledgers. If you guessed anywhere but the whorehouse, you’re obviously new to Littlefinger. Podrick’s duty is to lug the ledgers around on a cart while Tyrion and Bronn share their trademark married-couple banter. Tyrion decides to reward Podrick’s hard work with three of the finest prostitutes King’s Landing has to offer. Bronn: “Pace yourself, lad.”

In a less sexy environment, Tyrion discovers the magic behind Littlefinger’s money managing: borrowing. The crown is now severely in debt to Papa Lannister, who is probably not averse to breaking some legs when it comes to money lending. After explaining basic banking to Bronn, Tyrion notes that they also owe money to the “Iron Bank of Brothers”. If they don’t repay them, they’ll fund the Lannisters’ enemies. Littlefinger!

When Podrick returns from his whore visit, he also returns Tyrion’s money. It turns out Podrick was such a hit with the ladies that they wouldn’t even accept his payment! Four for you, Podrick! Tyrion and Bronn bow down to their new master of sexytimes.

Daenerys gets an army

Looks like the residents of Astapor have taken a leaf out of the Spartacus handbook; Daenerys, Jorah, and Ser Barristan take a stroll down the Walk of Punishment where bloodied-up slaves hang on crosses as a warning for any other misbehaving slaves. Daenerys is being naïve as usual, claiming she can wage a war without killing innocent people. You keep dreaming that dream, girl! “There’s a beast in every man, and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand,” Jorah tells her. The Unsullied, however, are beastless robots who kill only on command. Yeah, until one of them goes rogue. I’ve seen I, Robot thank you very much.

Daenerys decides that slave soldiers are just what she needs, so she bargains for the whole entire army with the slave trader from episode one, a man by the name of Kraznys mo Nakloz. For obvious reasons, I will be calling him Baldy. So in the worst bargain ever to be attempted, Baldy offers three Unsullied for all of her Dothraki. Problem is, Daenerys wants all 8000 of them. How is she going to pay? “I have dragons,” she announces to these unsavoury characters, “I’ll give you one.” In the background, Jorah’s like, “why did I let her do the negotiating?!”

Baldy is ecstatic at this turn of events, so Daenerys gets her army. She also bags the translator girl named Missandei. Later, she cuts Jorah and Barristan down to size for questioning her authority in front of others. When she demands Missandei’s allegiance, the Astapor girl says, “Valar morghulis”—all men must die. “But we are not men,” Daenerys says craftily. So what do you think, T-minus how many episodes until she gets that dragon back?

Beyond the Wall

Mance Rayder, Jon Snow and co. find a bunch of chopped up horse parts spread out in the snow, but everyone’s too grim to make any Godfather jokes. Jon says there were 300 men who should also be here, but there’s no sign of them. Mance: “You know what those men are now?” Jon knows. Mance orders Tormund the beardy ginger to take Jon up the Wall (since he knows Castle Black well), and if he proves unhelpful kindly toss him off. Tormund gets all hot and bothered about finally going to war, and Mance declares, “When it’s time I’m going to light the biggest fire the North has ever seen!”

Meanwhile, the Night’s Watch gang slogs their way over to Craster’s house, where Jeor Mormont invites himself in. Craster, if you recall, is the delightful fellow who sleeps with his daughters and then offers their baby boys to the White Walkers. Once inside, everyone awkwardly tries to ignore the wailing of a girl giving birth. Sam gets pissy when Craster calls him fat and suggests everyone eat him, so he goes outside to investigate the wailing. And lo and behold, it’s Gilly, the girl he stalked last season! Unfortunately for Gilly, she’s given birth to a boy.

Theon’s fairy godfather

After nightfall, Theon’s mystery friend comes to his rescue and takes him down from his cross-like torture device. He hooks Theon up with a white horse and tells him to ride east, where his sister will be waiting for him. When it’s daylight, Theon realizes he’s lost as all get out and rides around in circles until a group of men on black horses catch up to him. They chase him through the woods in a scene lifted directly from The Fellowship of the Ring—except in this version he doesn’t have magical Elf powers to save him and is quickly knocked off his horse. Sorry, I like to cross-reference my nerdery. Anyway, the group of men hold him down while one of them orders, “Take off his pants”, but before anything awful can happen he’s saved once again by his mystery friend. “You’re a long way from home,” he tells Theon, “and winter is coming.” Who is this guy???

Arya and friends

Gendry suits up Thoros, but Arya isn’t in a friendly mood. Thoros says they’re all free to leave whenever, but as Ned Stark’s daughter she’s safer staying with them. Hot Pie approaches and informs his pals that he’ll be staying behind to bake bread for the innkeeper, because, as his name suggests, he is ace at baking. “I’m no Stark of Winterhell,” he says. Arya: “Winterfell.” “You sure?” Hah! As a parting gift, he gives Arya some bread in the general shape of a wolf, and Arya and Gendry are like “oh yeah it totally looks like a wolf good job!”

Oh right, Stannis

Hey guys, remember Stannis? He’s still hanging around Dragonstone (I think?) plotting to take the Iron Throne. He gets all needy when Melisandre tries to peace on out of there, as he’s got a lot of wants from her: he wants Joffrey dead, he wants Robb Stark dead, he wants another shadow baby, etc. Melisandre suggests a better way of getting rid of his competition, one that doesn’t involve giving birth to a smoke monster. Instead, she wants to make some sacrifices to her Lord of Light, which requires someone with Stannis’s blood. But who?

Can’t win ’em all

Brienne and Jaime are tied up and sharing a horse, arguing about who was winning their sword match last episode. I think we all know it was Brienne, just saying. Jaime advises that when their captors try to rape her later—which they most certainly will—she should “close your eyes and pretend they’re Renly” to avoid being killed. WOW that is grim.

That night, the men do indeed plan to rape Brienne, who puts up a solid fight. Jaime’s conscience gets the better of him and he sneakily convinces the group’s leader to call off the attack through promise of sapphires. Then, cocky in his success, he tries to negotiate his own release and tries to turn the men against the Starks. At first it seems like it works—the leader even offers Jaime some “spare partridge”—but the men are soon holding Jaime down to a tree stump with a knife pointed at his eye. Jaime tries his usual “my daddy’s going to be so mad!” trick, but the group’s leader is so unintimidated that he swings his sword up and CUTS THE KINGSLAYER’S HAND OFF. MOTHER OF GOD.