Teen Wolf ‘Fireflies’ recap: On the virgin of greatness

It appears the people of Beacon Hills have a whodunit going on. Ruh-roh! Quick, everyone, sleep with someone!

This week, Teen Wolf decided to travel into every thriller/horror movie you’ve ever seen. Little kids’, who should be at home at this hour, carelessness almost getting them killed? Check. Stumble upon a fake out and then yell when you see a dead body? Yep. Teacher all alone in school as an easy target? Sure. Promiscuous teens in the woods about to get slaughtered? Got that right.

Except there’s a twist: these teens aren’t all that promiscuous. In fact, they’re virgins, which according to Cabin in the Woods means they can be spared. In Teen Wolf, it means they must be sacrificed. So just who is bashing heads and strangling the teens who have yet to learn of the secular flesh? It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma. But the solution seems quite easy, right?

Just have everyone bang each other. Honestly, this seems like (A) a simple solution and (B) an incredibly fun one — especially if everyone in your town looks like the characters on Teen Wolf. What would be so awful about this?

“Fireflies” begins with two kids in the middle of the woods at an ungodly hour capturing said flies in jars. So many questions, Teen Wolf. Why were these kids in these woods at this time of night? And how did they know to have jars handy to collect fireflies in? This scene reminded me of that car commercial from a few years ago. You know the one I’m talking about? At least I think it was a car commercial. Well, anyway, Boyd shows up all wanting to tear up humans-like and so, naturally, the kids are scared.

They decide to hide in a shed that is also weirdly placed. You know what? Let’s not get into it. The point is Boyd tears the shed up from them. A jar of fireflies is opened and Boyd starts swatting them around, which I enjoyed, because it means everyone is annoyed by flies … even werewolves. It doesn’t keep him from trying to murder the children again, but Scott comes just in time to save the day!

As it turns out, Scott, Derek and Isaac are hunting down Boyd and Cora to prevent a murderous rampage. They may have saved two children, but the moon is still young.

One-half of a couple (also in the middle of the woods) finds out the hard way. While trying to get their freak on — and I mean that in the most romantic way possible — a random couple is attacked by bugs. Or at least that’s what one of the girlfriends thinks is happening. She freaks out and disappears into the night.

But Cora is looking for some grub, so girlfriend number one (sorry I forgot their names! I’m the worst) is in trouble. Lucky for her, our werewolf trio is onsite, ready to kick some ass. Sure, they only manage to scare her off, but one more potential victim is saved.

However, Scott, we need to talk. You have got to stop showing your face to people who will be talking to the police soon, okay? Same with you Derek. At least be Clark Kent about it and buy some glasses. It never made sense how no one could identify Superman because of eyeglasses, but at least he made an effort, you know?

Speaking of the police, just how exhausted must they be? The new school year started like 48 hours ago and already there are a bajillion deaths. Ugh, this was supposed to be the year the mortality rate decreased not increased. So much for that pep talk.

Meanwhile, Allison is having feels and decides to act on them. Finally, the scene we’ve all been waiting for: Allison making use of her arrow. Bonus points for it gleaming in the moonlight. While the boys are hunting down the werewolf pair, they’re unwittingly paralleling Allison throughout the night, who seems like she’s got her groove back. Or perhaps she’s repressing some feelings about her mother trying to kill her werewolf boyfriend.

And on the other side of town, Lydia discovers a lifeguard sitting atop his chair completely dead. I guess that makes him a lifelessguard. Bahaha I’m hilarious! Unfortunately, she doesn’t remember how she ended up at the swimming pool, but she and Stiles theorize that Peter is once again up to no good. I’m still hoping that they can give Lydia something better than another season of freaking out everywhere. Please?

Well, regardless, Stiles notices that the lifeguard is wearing a purity ring. At this point, I thought there was some big allegory or metaphor happening with virgin teens trying to have sex but then getting slaughtered that Teen Wolf was making here. Everyone’s sexcapades seem to end in Lost Girl Bo territory, but the series decided to shift the story a bit differently than I had imagined.

While at the hospital, Scott’s mom shows Stiles all the dead peeps. “They died from non-werewolf things,” she says. “Jinkies!” says Stiles.

No, but honestly, who would be who if Teen Wolf were Scooby-Doo?

Scott gets help from Mr. Argent, which only took a bit of manipulation but in the end was the right thing. The now four-man gang decides to trap Boyd and Cora into the school, which, like, duh for every teen supernatural show ever. Unfortunately, some teacher is way swamped with grading papers because she somehow assigned Atlas Shrugged during week one of class. Someone forgot to tell her that week one is devoted to passing out syllabi and getting BS contracts signed by your parents. She must be new.

So, Scott and Derek trap Boyd and Cora in the school — but the teacher is in trouble! So Derek goes in to save her, only to be clawed ad infinitum by the pair. But it’s all good; the sun has risen and Derek can take a scratching. He walks on over all nonchalant to the teacher, who reciprocates some f-me eyes. And I’m kind of hoping that happens.

Back at the hospital, Stiles has solved the mystery. Well, he solved the fact that there is mystery to solve. And that’s half the battle.

“They’re sacrifices,” he says. Someone is serial killing virgins for … who knows what.

“Let’s split up, gang!” Scott replies. “Shaggy, you go with Scoob. I’ll go with Velma and Daphne.”

Other (werewolf) bites:

• Did everyone notice the Isaac/Allison eyes? What are we calling this? Allisaac? Tumblr tag in 3, 2, …
• Kind of cool that we saw more diverse couples. Kind of sad that half of the couple is dead.
• Also, did the girlfriend’s death remind anyone of Titus (the film)? So, now go tell, an if thy tongue can speak, who ’twas that cut thy tongue and ravished thee?
• We were wondering whether or not Erica was actually dead, but I think it’s safe to say that she is.