Big Brother 15 recap: Everyone’s here for the wrong kind of booty

Welcome to The Brigade all over again: a ton of guys form an alliance, with a woman in the outskirts who is sure to feel the brunt of it all (last time it was Britney, this time it’s Jessie … except that at least Britney was entertaining to watch, you know?). McCrae, Spencer, Jeremy and Howard all join forces in a movement spearheaded by Nick to dominate the house. Every season an early alliance is formed that can either titter into nothingness a mere couple of episodes later, or end up taking the Big Brother season by storm.

For The Moving Company (which is, yes, what they’ve named themselves), it appears it will be the latter. I just don’t think there’s going to be much of a force to reckon with against them, especially considering that most of the rest of the house is just there for showmances instead of cash.

Literally. A few people even admitted as such in the Diary Room. We all like our Big Brother with a side of sleaze, but even the audience has to admit that if all you came here for was the wrong kind of booty, then you should’ve tried a dating show.

Snarking it Up

Let’s start off with the pluses: Amanda. Did anyone know this girl was even in the house during the premiere? And how has she already climbed all the way to the top of our radar? I think we’ve found our lovable snark for the summer already … and she’s playing the game? Where have you been, Amanda?

The episode begins with Jessie (who everyone is jealous of, obviously) asking Aaryn and Kaitlyn who’d they rather in the Big Brother house. It appears that all three ladies have their eyes set on a particular person. Aaryn is going after lifeguard David while Kaitlyn has her eyes set Jeremy, according to Jessie. Jessie, meanwhile, just can’t decide between Edward (Nick) or Jacob (Jeremy). Gag us. And Amanda shares the sentiment. I’m glad that Amanda will be the audience’s voice in the diary room. Please show more of her quips and banter.

Have/Have-Not Competition

As far as competitions go, the Have-Not ones are the most boring. There are just no stakes here that we care enough about. So they’re uncomfortable a bit, that’s kind of awful and not really in my peripheral. Though, I must admit that the Have Not Room this season is just absolutely dreadful: airplane seats that don’t even recline? That’s just not okay.

Or as Howard would say, “This is a first class body!”

Speaking of Howard’s “first class” body, why does no one realize that teaming up with the most buff dude in the house is never a good idea? The extremely buff guys usually suck at everything. They are too heavy on themselves to hold onto anything long enough (endurance) and they fumble with their own bulky bodies to get through physical challenges, too; it even happened last night when Howard couldn’t figure out HOW TO ROW A FLOATATION DEVICE. Come on. Let’s just hope that Howard’s physical muscle manifested itself into his brain, too, because if not, Moving Company might have to get rid of dead muscle.

So much to the red team’s dismay, which consisted of Andy, Elissa, Judd, Helen and Howard, they lost and will have to eat slop and take cold showers for a week.

Worst Kept Secret

As for the red team, there’s another sore spot among them all. Elissa is totally Rachel’s sister and everybody knows it. However, they may be taking it with a bit too much fury.

“She must be hiding something else,” they all seem to think of the fact that Elissa chose not to disclose her identity has Big Brother Winner Rachel’s sister. You mean she didn’t want to be associated with one of the most polarizing (which leaned on the “hate” side of things) players ever? Gee, I wonder why.

I mean, they do always say “expect the unexpected,” so I suppose I shouldn’t feel completely dismayed that they think she might be another saboteur or something.

But it’s also the fact that Elissa thinks the secret is still actually a secret. Girl, you look exactly like Rachel. If you had looked a bit different, then okay. But it’s as if we Rachel dyed her hair and then entered the house. There was no way she was ever going to get away with that.

McCrae’s Nominations

McCrae decreed that he didn’t want to be one of those all-mighty HoHs; he wants to nominate however the house wants him to because he doesn’t want a target. Smart enough. The problem? Everyone in the house wants something different.

Nick is gunning for David since he’s, for some reason, the only other physical threat. But David doesn’t even know where he is, so is he really much of a threat? Jessie wants Elissa out because Elissa is Rachel’s sister and she could be so dangerous and also because Elissa is totes jealous of Jessie, duh. Elissa doesn’t want out, so she decides to confide in McCrae that she’s Rachel’s sister. “Bih, I knew that!” he should have said. And Amanda tells McCrae that everyone basically hates Jessie, but she’s jealous because “she has a better ass than me.”

Hm. Turns out Jessie may have been right. Amanda lost some points there. (Just kidding, we know you were kidding Amanda, you’re still everyone’s fave.)

In the end, it’s still McCrae’s decision: he nominates Jessie and Candice for eviction. Who? Candice. Yeah, you didn’t know either? He tells Jessie that she could win the entire game and he wants her out. And then he tells Candice that he wants her to win the veto (in front of Jessie; I thought this guy didn’t want targets on his back). Candice cries like everyone knew who she was.

Slow motion fade out.