Reign ‘For King and Country’ recap: Mary, marry, and murder!

I’ve watched only about five minutes of Reign in total, so I’m going to be honest with you: I have no idea what is happening. Don’t expect me to have an accurate recap of what’s going down. I also have no conception of history, but maybe that’s a good thing when it comes to this show. People have been telling me to watch The CW’s latest hit. I knew as soon as my 25-year-old male cousin told me he was an avid watcher of Reign that I at least owed it to myself to tune it.

The previously on section tells us a lot of stuff happened, but mostly that Mary was going to marry some guy, but then ditched him last minute. So she runs away with her going-to-be-husband’s brother, except that they’re being followed by some goons and are met by a cliff, which is a dead end. Or is it?

That’s when we cut to this guy’s parental units being mad that this happened because how dare this girl leave their son before marrying him?

Oh, man, and this lady — this lady. She is insane. She is also hilarious. We’ll get into that in a little bit.

Anyway, she tries to make sure her perceived-cuckold son is, like, totally over Mary.

Son #2 wasn’t having it. This is when I realized that This Lady (bear with me, I’m still learning names) was actually in on Mary leaving. So at this point, I’m quite intrigued. Just what is the story here?

Anyway, Mary and Son #1 find comfort in some cabin.

Like, geez, real smooth, there guy. Like no one has ever used that line before. Mary didn’t care. She was all about disrobing.

It was getting pretty steamy. Too bad they were interrupted by his father’s people, who threatened him in the most hilarious way possible. They were like, “Where’s Mary?! Is she under that table that we can clearly see she’s under!?” Mary, of course, gives herself up so that Son #1 doesn’t lose a finger. So back to France (frahnce) they go.

Back at the kingdom, she’s confronted by Son #2 who doesn’t understand why she left him.

Eventually, she has to explain herself to the King Guy here. King Guy is so hilarious, too, because Mary’s all “I can’t marry your son” and he’s all “I will just kill one of them.”

Everyone just kills people on this show! Everyone is totally like, “Ugh he’ll totally just behead you if you do that.”

What we later find out — read: me, because I haven’t watched a previous episode — is that Mary received a prophecy from some Nostradamus guy (historical fun fact: Nostradamus would later go on to found a retail store that’s like Macy’s but with employees who are snooty, true story) that Son #2 will die if she marries him.

Anyway, in the middle of all this, there’s a scene with a Creepy Guy who goes into a dungeon/basement where he’s keeping some Prisoner.

This is hardly important in the scope of the amount of Reign I’ve watched, but knowing this does become important later on in the episode.

Digressing… things move along like this:

I’m sorry, but I am literally laughing just thinking about how This Lady just poisons people like it’s not big deal. I am in tears as I type this.

Mary has to break up a fight between Sons #1 and #2 because #2 hears that she wants to marry #1, and #2 thinks that #1 is trying to steal her from him. So Mary tells him that it was all her idea. This is a huge problem because apparently, if this goes through, #1 will be basically inheriting the throne that’s rightfully #2’s, and This Lady will lose her throne, too. Basically everyone wants all of the thrones!

So This Lady is not having it!

If Creepy Guy is judging you: you are extra creepy!

This Lady realized that her several attempts to tell Mary “GTFO!” were not working. Every time Mary was like “What should we do?” she was all “GTFO?”

“I can’t tell Son #2 about Nastro!”
“GTFO.”

“The only way to save #2’s life is if I marry #1!”
“Or you could GTFO?”

I’m surprised she did that a few times before resorting to poison or something.

But King Guy learns of This Lady’s plans.

Then #2 gives Mary his blessing. I find it hilarious that everyone uses marriage as a threat. Basically this entire episode is Mary or someone else saying, “I will marry you so hard!!!!” It’s great.

He actually, basically, said that. And then they whisked This Lady away to prison.

And that was an episode of Reign. We didn’t even discuss the wholly dramatic score, which is amazing. I can’t believe this show is on TV and I’ve been missing it.