Some of my parody stuff has been linked places as truth, so just so you know: I have no insider information. This is to hopefully make you laugh or smile, guys!

Do you hear that, Gossip Girl fans (and people who like to read my photo recaps alike, full disclosure: my recap will be released really late on Tuesday so don’t wait up)? It’s the sound of the hiatus only lasting one more week! It’s also the sound of my non-life life regaining purpose. It’s true: just seven more days and a new episode of Gossip Girl will bestow upon us like an enabling druglord who decides to tease and taunt us with spoilers, and hints, and released pictures and — unanswered cliffhangers!

Damn, he’s good.

So in lieu of the photo recaps for Gossip Girl that I used to produce weekly when the show was on, we’ve been doing this countdown mini-column where I answer the cliffhangers the show left us with (and one time we did couples we’d like to see). Usually it’s just one cliffhanger and I offer three (totally sane) theories, but you guys sent in a few questions… and also I’m too lazy to create three elaborate theories (they are a lot of work even if they’re stupid, trust me).

So instead, I’m going to answer all of your questions. Ready?

Who is Gossip Girl? —FreeAndSpirited
Obviously, FreeAndSpirited, the anonymous Upper Eastside blogger is none other than Charlie Rhodes. I answered this question already — and it makes complete sense. Charlie’s mother, Carol, resented the Rhodes so much that she made her daughter become the UES blogger in collaboration with her. And if it’s not Charlie — I’d be surprised but if it isn’t — it’s most definitely Dorota. How could it not be? She’s mastered the art of texting, she’s available alone for long hours at a time, and she’s tricking everyone with that accent to mask the fact that she can write perfectly good English. And her job only gives her an advantage on getting all the good dirt! Miss Blair by day; B by night; salacious always.

Will Serena ever get a good story again and, if so, what will it be? —Girlspanic
Will she get a good story? You ask this question like she doesn’t have one already! Serena is going to be taking down Gossip Girl! Or… you know… she’s going to be saying that she’s taking down Gossip Girl every two episodes or so. Whichever. But my sources tell me that Serena, who’s been busy dishing out the capital-T-Truth on her blog S by S (pending title: Slutty by Serena), will finally get a career that makes use of her assets — otherwise, her donk. And by that I mean: sitting on her rear whilst Blair cries about Louis blackmailing her to marry him. Whoops! Did I give out another storyline?

Does Blair become religious? —Elodie
A certain other Elodie on our writing staff (that’s totally not the Elodie that asked this question… okay it is…) got the inside scoop: After Chuck’s life is in the balance, Blair will have to turn to some sort of deity in hopes he will survive. But then Louis blackmails her. So Blair, in spite, will be inventing her own religion! It’s not that crazy; have you look at Twitter? She’s basically already worshipped. But effective immediately, Blair will be able to marry multiple men and the end of ship wars shall commence!

Why is Nate always confused? —SayGoodmorningToTheNight
Because he’s dumb.

Does Nate actually figure out his cousin tried to murder him without having it explicitly spelled out for him? —maribells
See previous question.

Beatrice and the priest! —ScarletBlessed
I suppose you mean what the hell happened with those two? Or rather what is it that they want! Well it’s very simple you see: they have always been jealous of Blair, having read the Gossip Girl blog ever since it went up online. Once they got whiff that Blair was thinking of inventing her own religion, they could not have this. So they decided to scheme together and take her down! They made just a tiny dent in her plan and that, well, got them excited… and in true Blair homage fashion: went at it in the back of a limo. Beatrice, meanwhile, has been making her signature scheme face at dozens of parties since then.