Dallas 1×03 ‘The Price You Pay’ recap: J.R., J.R.brows, and J.R. Jr. scheme!

Another week, another Dallas — TV’s latest and greatest (and oldest?) guilty pleasure. This recap is just a tad bit late; let’s just try to make it quite quick. So, here’s what happened last week:

• Shit went down.
• Also, I got an email telling me I can’t use screen captures anymore.

I mean, technically, I won’t be using screen captures from an advance screener because I didn’t receive this episode in advance, but I don’t want to jeopardize getting future episodes, obviously. So no screen caps. Boo. We’re going to try to do this the old fashioned way (which is new for me, so I feel very naked). Bear with me, please. Ready? Set… Go!

Okay, this episode (1×03 “The Price You Pay”) opens up with J.R. and his son John Ross in a barber shop getting a shave, which immediately makes this the best cold open ever because John Ross has the most frustrating facial hair on television since J.R.’s eyebrows.  The only thing is that J.R.’s eyebrows are also simultaneously HILARIOUS (and WILL rise to power, mark my words), so they obviously get a free pass at being whomever they want to be. We love you, J.R.brows. So, anyway, yeah I was looking forward to seeing John Ross sans facial hair — but then J.R. grabs the blade and almost threatens him, telling him he knows that Marta ain’t who she says she is! And the blade is right at his adam’s apple! DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!! Cue theme song:

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So anyway, we’re back! And the blade is still there! What will happen next!?!?!!!!!!!!!

Oh, J.R. just backs down and says he “understands” why John Ross would want to double cross him. Well, that was anticlimactic. But not unexpected. It’s not like that was going to happen, y’know? But I admire Dallas for making one helluva cold open there. Nice goin’!

So, anyway, J.R. tells John Ross (or J.R. Jr., would it be too confusing if I called him that?) he wants to meet the actual buyers and that apparently the lawyer (who has asked for $2 million to not tell Bobby anything) has a son that can be blackmailed. And now they’re buds, and it seems like J.R. Jr likes the newfound partnership. Oh, and also John Ross’s facial hair is still intact. So all elements of the scene were quite anticlimactic.

Anyway, we cut to a scene where Ann is teaching Rebecca how to use a shotgun. And Rebecca doesn’t feel up to the challenge because she prefers knives with which she can use to STAB PEOPLE IN THE BACK. Or whatever. Rebecca should take lessons from Ann; as we’ve seen, she’s the most badass of housewives. But Ann gets a comunique from Bobby and needs to leave (because of the operation). That’s when Tommy, Rebecca’s brother, comes in and is all creepy as fuhhh. He says things like “he’s in love with a lie,” and “[the targets are] better when they’re alive,” and “remote access program.” Like CREEPY stuff. So, yeah, he tells Rebecca to install a remote access program on Chris’s computer so that they know what’s going on with his green energy business EVEN THOUGH IT’S ALL OVER THE INTERNET!!! End scene.

So J.R., J.R. Jr, and not-Marta go to the actual dealmakers for Southfork and J.R. takes a huge risk! He decides to negotiate a percentage point lower for the profit on the land once these guys give the land back to them, which is confusing because couldn’t they just keep the land and all the profits? Like, if it were going to an actual conservancy, then I’d understand that they can’t drill. But it’s not. They could just buy the land themselves and act like they’re a conservancy. I mean, they can’t NOW because then J.R. and J.R. Jr would tell, but whatever. Anyway, it works after some villainous snickering. The Ewings will give these guys 14% of profits instead of 15%. Then J.R. tells not-Marta “You best not do that again, gurl” about being a conniving two-timer. And she pops some pills.

It’s right here where I realize that this is going to be the tone of this episode. It’s shifted to become much more dramatic, darker, and ridiculous…er! And I’m like “hells yus!”

We’re greeted with a scene about Bobby never going to die from his cancer because it’s obligatory. But we do learn something: he doesn’t want to sell Southfork anymore! That works for the lawyer, who tells J.R. Jr. that Southfork is off the market indefinitely — but not before taking his money and walking out. That only causes J.R. and J.R. Jr. to fake a phone call from not-J.R.’s physician telling Bobby that moving in will help J.R.’s recovery. The not-physician is apparently someone who lives in the old folks’ home. But, guys, WHY was he wearing a tie and a shirt tucked in to what looked like formal slacks but were shorts? With a belt? Did he just need to dress the part to sound convincing over the phone? It was really confusing, you guys. Anyway, for compensation, J.R. has promised the not-physician a steak dinner with a blonde bombshell, because he already gave money to the lawyer who isn’t doing anything. But it’s actually a really poignant scene between J.R. and J.R. Jr. about Jr not having to pay for Sr’s sins. I don’t know, either.

And this is the part where we’re one-third into the episode and neither of the two leads (Chris and Elena) have been onscreen, so the show was like “Oh, right.” They’re discussing green energy science stuff. I don’t know, it was confusing. It’s like either speak english or start removing clothes or something, guys. But anyway, they hug because they figured something out about green energy and then feelings surface. But thankfully(?) Rebecca calls Elena, because they’re TOTES BFFS now, and that stops anything.

Over at Southfork, J.R. is set to move in when he sees that CLIFF BARNES WANTS TO BUY IT! EGAD!!!!

Okay, so I never watched the original and I don’t know who Cliff Barnes is. But the show REALLY wants me to think it’s this huge twisty development. So… OH MY GOD WHAT? CLIFF BARNES!? It’s crazy! Apparently so, since Cliff decides to invite Chris and Rebecca to dinner right after Rebecca returns from lunch. I mean, sure, it’s shady that Cliff invited them to dinner. But the real question is: how EARLY is this dinner? Or was Rebecca’s lunch just really late? Rebecca can’t still be hungry, right? Don’t leave these questions hanging, Dallas! Anyway, they go, and it appears Cliff wants to fund Chris’s energy stuff and puts $1 million cash in front of him. Mmmm delicious. But Chris walks out all in a huff.

$1 million cash is more of an acquired taste, really.

Anyway, we cut into a scene with J.R. and Ann bonding. But I’m not interested in that. Ann says that “Dinner is at six” which means it’s not even six o’ clock yet and Cliff invited them to dinner already? Geez! HOW EARLY DOES HE EAT DINNER? Seriously, questions!

Okay, so there’s about a third of the episode left and Rebecca has yet to install the remote access program. And Tommy is PISSED. She says she’s never alone with Chris’s computer — even though she’s alone RIGHT NOW! She cares, you guys! Aw.

Meanwhile, J.R. Jr. walks in on Bobby, Ann, and J.R. eating breakfast (at, I’m sure 11pm the night before because these people eat their meals WAY TOO EARLY) and threatens Bobby with his mother’s diary, which J.R. gave him the night before. He says that he’ll use his day in court to shame the Ewing Matriarch and it’s a big deal because I don’t know. So if Bobby doesn’t sell it to him in 24 hours, he’ll file in court. J.R. pretends this is brand new information, but Bobby and Ann know it’s a ruse. (And also J.R. slaps J.R. Jr. and it was GLORIOUS.)

Anyway, after THAT fiasco, Chris and Elena come to Southfork to tell him that the methane stuff is working but they find Ann instead…who is already chopping up vegetables for lunch or something. LIKE HOW QUICKLY BETWEEN MEALS DO YOU GUYS EAT? OH MY GOD. I think ALL they do is eat ALL THE TIME. There’s no schedule for these things. There’s no meal times. IT’S CHAOS. How can these people live like this?

He gets to Bobby, signing papers to sell Southfork, and yells at him a lot. And then Bobby’s all “I have the cancer” and Chris yells at him again and runs out ready to cry. So Elena comes up like “Hey, you need a shoulder? Maybe some lips to console you?” So they kiss because of the emotional unraveling, for some reason because Chris only has fine ass Julie Gonzalo at home. So I don’t know. And OF COURSE Tommy is there to photograph it.

But holy crap! They kissed really quickly! He got married like an hour ago, guys. Or about seven meals ago, according to these people. It’s insanity!

Anyway, the pictures are the extra push Rebecca needs to install the remote access program. She doesn’t do it, however, because Chris tells her that he loves her so much that he wants them to move in with his father. So she throws the USB drive with the REMOTE ACCESS PROGRAM into the garbage. Then, J.R. tells J.R. Jr. that Bobby just signed the papers, so they yelp at their success. But the lawyer is all like, “Uh, no, I want $5 mil dis time, suckahhhhh!” So J.R. Jr. walks out and decides to meet his P.I., who tells him the witness that could help him blackmail the lawyer’s son is dead. D’oh.

But there is ONE final twist: Rebecca sent Elena Chris’s breakup email! Ruh-roh!

And that’s the third episode of Dallas. Whoa. I said I would make this short but I didn’t — at all. Sorry.

Here are the questions going into week 3:

• What’s going to happen between Chris and Elena?
• What’s going to happen between Rebecca and Chris?
• What’s going to happen between Rebecca and Tommy!?
• Who the eff is not-Marta?
• Will J.R. Jr. find anything to blackmail the lawyer?
• Will I ever stop referring to John Ross as J.R. Jr. in hopes to confuse you?
• Yes, the answer is yes.
• Who will gain control of Southfork next!?
• When are Tommy and Ann going to GO THERE? I can’t be the only one who feels that chemistry.
• And WHAT TIME WAS THE DINNER? When do these people eat!?

So who do you think will rise to power next? Can’t wait for next Wednesday!

‪I was selected to participate in TNT’s Dallas Roundup Network. I was not compensated for writing this post, but have received a screener of the first two episodes.