Dallas 1×04 ‘The Last Hurrah’ recap: What time do these people eat?

Well, we’re now in week 3 of Dallas and things are still balls out crazy as hell. We begin last night’s episode, “The Last Hurrah,” with a previously on Dallas montage. Previously on Dallas, everyone backstabbed everyone. And Rebecca furrowed her eyebrows. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Are you ready for the longest recap you will ever read?

Chris is in bed and grinding on someone — and that someone ain’t his wife! It’s none other than Elena! And, and…it’s also a dream. But if you remember, last week, Chris told Rebecca that Elena’s consoling (re: making out with him) made him realize that he loves Rebecca and doesn’t want that to change.

His dreams say differently.

Meanwhile, J.R., J.R.brows, and John Ross (AKA J.R. Jr) are in Jr’s home (and it is niiice) discussing schemes. Not-Marta Del Sol calls — and YES, she STILL does not have a real name yet, she’s even in Jr’s phone as “Marta Del Sol” — but Jr doesn’t pick up. He’s so over having an eff buddy at this point. J.R. tells him that the lawyer’s son can still be useful blackmail material because he’s twice a felon…but those are, like, public records. And why didn’t Jr’s PI find this!? WORST PI EVER? I think so.

Then, J.R. says that the son has a weak spot for “pretty ladies” and I’m like YEAH DUH, so he wants to enlist not-Marta’s help. But Jr is against it. That’s when he starts thinking he can blackmail Rebecca because he knows she sent the breakup email. But instead of all that mess, why not just use the very willing not-Marta and save the email for a rainy day? You need to think AHEAD here, Jr! J.R. would never make such a rookie mistake. Anyway, he calls up Rebecca and tells her he knows. And then Rebecca furrows her eyebrows.

Cue theme music.

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We’re back. J.R. is with a different PI. FINALLY we find out that not-Marta’s real name is Veronica Martinez (pero, like, en español, sera BERONIKA MARTINEZ, ya tu sabes) and apparently she’s bipolar which is just fancy for “she’s insane” on the show, but she’s already taking meds and is a little insane, imagine if she were off them…then she’d be insane. And also she’s really clingy with her boyfriends. Watch out Jr! She might just shave your soul patch off!

Okay, we’re at Southfork. Ann is packing boxes because, if you remember, Bobby sold the ranch. And Tommy is there to help! And oh, my goodness, guys THE CHEMISTRY. This is so going to happen. Mark my words. Even if it’s one-sided. They share glances and smiles, like if they’re looking into each other’s souls. We can’t, it’s forbidden, one of them thinks. I don’t care! the other responds. They make out.

Alas, still in their minds. But it happens.

Chris is there for breakfast after rounding up cattle. WHAT TIME IS THIS BREAKFAST? He says he rounded up like hundreds of cattle. I’m no ranchero, hombre but I imagine that takes some time. Ann, whose texan accent is really noticeable this episode, insists that Bobby helps her organize his family’s junk. And he’s like, “Nah I’m good.” Maybe he’s just not ready to say goodbye. But really, I just think he’s lazy.

Enter Elena, and cue the soft music. She and Chris talk about science; I liked them much better having sex in Chris’s dream. Their fingers touch! Their knuckles ever so close to each other, their dreams and desires inching towards reality — and yet so far.

Over at Sue Ellen’s office (THANK GOD SHE’S BACK), J.R. brings a gift for her Governor race. But he’s too late, because CLIFF BARNS EGAD! is there and moving in on his girl. She sasses her way out of the office and to lunch.

Okay, you guys. If you remember the previous scene was everyone eating breakfast at Southfork. And now Sue Ellen is eating lunch with Cliff Barnes. And Cliff Barnes was the one who invited Chris and Rebecca to have dinner right after Rebecca had lunch in the previous episode. WHAT TIME IS EVERYONE EATING? Or maybe Cliff eats REALLY early. This is anarchy!!!

Anyway, Jr blackmails Rebecca with the email, but she sounds like she genuinely did not send it. My theory: it was Tommy. But she agrees — she has to get a picture of lawyer’s son doing drugs, because I don’t know.

Elena enlists Jr to help her convince Ms. Henderson to dig for oil. J.R.’s PI is there.

Meanwhile, Chris is making a fence to roundup those cattle after just having eaten breakfast. And Bobby, who makes Chris look like a 4ft tall man, asks him if there’s any tension with Rebecca because he and Elena are working so closely.

“You can’t fix the problem by avoiding it,” Bobby says.
“Oh, this is rich! YOU DIDN’T TELL ANYONE YOU HAD CANCER!!!” Chris responds in between gasps for air because he’s laughing his ass off, rolling in the grass since Bobby is being absolutely hypocritical and it’s hilarious. Or at least that’s happening in my mind. Chris just stands there. He should have responded but doesn’t.

Jr tells Ms. Henderson she’s hot (she’s not) and they’re going to drill for oil. So Jr, in celebration, decides to spray Elena with water from a hose and she’s all “Ha! Stop being such a cute little douchebag! Hahaha staahhhhp!” So the PI takes a picture of them being five years old and calls J.R. saying he “got something.”

Over at Sue Ellen’s office, Jr and Sue have a heart-to-heart, and then she opens J.R.’s gift. It’s a pearl necklace. She sighs heavily. Chris and J.R. also have a heart-to-heart about Chris being an unfaithful husband and his urges to continue. J.R. is like, “Divorce is common these days anyway.” And then a cow goes into labor. It’s gross.

Rebecca is at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and invites lawyer’s son to go out on a one-on-one to talk about addiction. He sort of looks like Jr gone wrong, you know? PI and J.R. exchange menacing glances under shoddy florescent lights. At least J.R. knows how to use not-Marta, Jr! Elena talks to Jr and how they’re great business partners. Apparently she wants to be with both cousins but not actually be with them. She’s a business floozy/tease!

Jr goes home and finds his door ajar. Not-Marta is there! And she’s being CRAY CRAY. Like, subtle cray cray. And the actress is loving it. She’s all “I’m so mad at you for not being here on time, let’s have sex!” And Jr’s like, “A lay is a lay even if she cray.” Meanwhile, Rebecca, whom he blackmailed, is trying to get lawyer’s son to do some drugs but he’s not having it. They have a conversation about drugs, but it’s a metaphor about Rebecca’s struggles as well! Rebecca furrows her eyebrows and walks out of the car, because she cares guys. Aw.

Tommy is in Rebecca and Chris’s room installing the REMOTE ACCESS PROGRAM when Rebecca walks in all in a huff.

“The fuhhh? Get the hell out, you creep,” she says.
“Um. Why wasn’t the REMOTE ACCESS PROGRAM installed, bihhh!?”
“Reasons!”
“Okay, but I want to steal some patents.”

What? You can’t steal patents. Immediately, I have no idea what these two guys have in mind. But they’re pretty awful at it.

Not-Marta and Jr are shopping for watches — good, maybe THEN someone will know what mealtime it is!!! — when Rebecca calls.

“I can’t do these things! I’m not that awful a person.”
“Well, if you don’t, I will threaten you with the same things I said before!”

Rebecca furrows her eyebrows. DUH REBECCA. Did you think the terms were going to change? Why is this such a dramatic scene!? We’re back at square one. But Not-Marta swoops in all “Yeah I’ll make him do drugs, and then I’ll make you do me. Now here’s a watch so you’re not late like you were tonight. And so that I can track you because I am insane.”

Back at Southfork, Bobby is helping a cow through labor. And it’s gross. Apparently, the calf is killing the cow so the cow’s gotta die anyway. And it’s like ER: Animal Edition, which sums up to it being gross. And superfluous. I have no idea why this is happening. Inside of the ranch, Elena tries to speak Spanish while eating breakfast. I’ve lost the will to track time anymore. J.R. tells Elena to ask Jr out on a date to the barbecue at Southfork later today (AT WHAT TIME, I DON’T KNOW OKAY!!). Then, Sue Ellen and J.R. are eating what I assume is breakfast but with this show you never know. They’re sad that after today there’s no more BBQ ribs and such, but J.R. is trying for redemption here.

Outside, the calf survives and some other cow becomes his mom. I’ve learned a lesson about animal adoption. This is the only reason this storyline exists, I’m guessing. AND THEN OH MY GOD IT’S BECAUSE CHRIS IS ADOPTED. Holy crap! WHAT? I was blindsided. And now I’m crying because it’s such a beautiful metaphor. How could you have done this to me, Dallas? HOW? Rude.

So Chris decides he can’t have anything to do with Elena and goes to tell her that. But, geez, he didn’t have to be such a dick about it.

“Here’s 20 grand. Or should I just leave this on the nightstand, business floozy?” he asks. She cries, because seriously what a dick move. He walks out and sighs like that was oh so hard for him. Why does everything have to be so hard for Chris? He’s married and cheats on his wife and then tells off his mistress! What issues!

How does he sleep at night, seriously? Oh, right. He doesn’t.

Elena asks Jr to the BBQ. Jr looks pleased, but texts Rebecca that she was foolish not to go through with their deal. Rebecca furrows her eyebrows. Not-Marta takes pills with champagne like that’s a good idea. She’s sad because Jr cancelled his plans to be with Elena. J.R. knocks on the door to show Not-Marta pictures of Elena and Jr being five year olds with hose water and she shows him pictures of her ravaging lawyer’s son — and now they’re in cahoots.

The BBQ is happening! Everything’s in motion. J.R. tells lawyer he needs to redraft the deed so that all of Southfork belongs to him by showing him a picture of his son doing cocaine. And okay, I’m a little fuzzy with law but is it really illegal to have pictures of you doing drugs? Isn’t it only illegal to be in possession of drugs? What are the cops going to charge lawyer’s son with? “Well he was doing drugs at some point…I don’t…?” I’m confused.

Anyway, Rebecca decides she should tell Chris about the email before Jr does. But Chris wants to show her a calf first. It’s supposed to be romantic? It was weird. And then Rebecca furrows her eyebrows and pants really heavily and is all “I need to tell you something about the email!”

And!

AAAAAAAANNNNDDDD!!!

That’s it. End of the episode. Those sneaky Dallas people! How DARE they? Gah. Here are our questions going into week 4:

• What will Rebecca say about the email? She’s totally just going to frame Jr, right?
• Will Not-Marta flip her s—?
• Will Jr realize J.R. is trying to snuff him out?
• Will Sue Ellen and J.R. reconcile?
• What’s going to happen to Southfork?
• Will Bobby realize how self-righteous he is?
• Will anyone actually use their watches to know the time it is to eat?

Overall not a bad episode, but it looks like next week is when the s— hits the fan. Can’t wait!

I was selected to participate in TNT’s Dallas Roundup Network. I was not compensated for writing this post, but have received a screener of the first two episodes.