There were so many stakes going into this episode that it’s no wonder it started out with a bang and then ended in a blaze of glory. Holy crap, guys, has there been a better episode of a primetime soap? I don’t think so. I will admit, however, that I’m doing this recap based off memory and thus (1) It will be shorter and (2) There may be something left out. I apologize. Nobody’s perfect.

Last week, Rebecca was right on the tip of confessing about the breakup email. And let me just say: geez, this email storyline has gotten a lot of mileage. But I’m glad it’s all out in the open now because seriously it’s gotten way too much mileage for an email. Anyway, Rebecca confesses that Tommy sent the email (toldja!) but she still loves him and then Chris goes and punches Tommy (repeatedly) for being the little bitch that he is.

But the thing is Ann is there to witness it! And she’s all, “How could you do this to us!?” Sure, Chris is upset that his wife Rebecca has actually been trying to scam him this entire time (not really, she “loves” him or whatever) but you have to imagine Ann is devastated. Tommy was the love of her life. Later on in the episode she even questions how she could have been so stupid as to trust him.

Her world is crumbling beneath her. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t take it anymore, so I’m just going to have to move on.

Chris tells Rebecca, “Yah needs tuh get the eff out!” And she does so, but not before crying a lot. Elena, meanwhile, decides she’s done with Chris for being such a huge dick the previous episode and is back crushing on J.R. Jr. But that’s beside the point, because Bobby has just received the new deed and J.R.’s name is on it. Egad!

Okay, okay, okay…here’s the thing. Bobby and Ann continued to act surprised the entire episode that J.R. was scheming behind their backs but didn’t they know? There was a scene after J.R. Jr came with Bobby’s mom’s diary where Ann and Bobby both stated they knew J.R. was behind that little stunt. Did they not think there might have been a reason? It was confusing.

But, yeah, they go to confront J.R. who basically says, “Yup. Peace, bitches!” and then drops his mic because he’s that much of a badass.

Bobby, Ann, Chris, and Elena are all flabbergasted that history is repeating itself. Seriously, every single one of them has a constant “Whaaaa???” face on this entire episode, it’s infuriating. Elena decides to confront J.R. Jr constantly even though he continues to lie to her. Bobby does little more than nothing — I especially liked the scene with the cop/lawyer where the guy was like “I don’t know, the deed is J.R.’s because it says so in the script…or something.” It’s Chris and Ann who are getting their hands a bit dirty this hour.

Ann goes to her ex-husband who just conveniently is the guy that has drilling contracts with J.R., and the guy is a real creep. He says he’ll drop the contract, “But it’ll cost yuh…a hug.” Ew. What is that? Then she goes to dinner/lunch but only has drinks with Rebecca where they both furrow their eyebrows and talk about correcting mistakes and yaaaawwwn.

Chris, meanwhile, decides to snoop around and actually become interesting. Can you guys believe there was ZERO science talk this episode? ZERO. He snoops into J.R. Jr’s apartment to find a DVD that Not-Marta left of her and J.R. Jr doing the nasty.

Guys can we talk about this DVD? This DVD went through SO MUCH that I’m surprised it’s undamaged. It, presumably, was in Not-Marta’s purse, then she left it on a paper, then Chris absolutely abused it — he put his oily fingers all over it, then dragged it on a table, then put it in his back jeans pocket, THEN SLEPT ON TOP OF IT — oh my goodness, how did this DVD survive all of this!? Why does Dallas have such unaswerable questions?

Speaking of which, NO ONE ATE ANYTHING THIS EPISODE. Obviously, these guys eat A LOT in one sitting and then just don’t eat for the rest of the week or something.

Anyway, Chris wants to show Elena the DVD but decides against it because she tells him that he hurt her or something so uninteresting that I’m tired of it already. Instead, Elena decides that she trusts that J.R. Jr (who has power of attorney while J.R. is away) didn’t scheme at all and decides to sleep with him. And after J.R. Jr bones Elena, he comes home to find Chris WITH THE TOTALLY UNSCRATCHED AND INTACT DVD of him doing the horizontal tango with Not-Marta and a blackmail: Chris wants J.R. Jr to get evidence that J.R. was involved in the fraud against Southfork or he’ll go to jail.

Obviously, he’s going to do it right? J.R. had no excuses for J.R. Jr when he confronted him about going behind his back, but decided to drill for oil on behalf of his father anyway. Turn against him!

Here are the questions we have going into week 5:

  • Will J.R. Jr (John Ross) turn on J.R.!?
  • Will Elena realize that she’s being ridiculous?
  • Will Rebecca realize she’s boring?
  • Will Ann and Tommy reconcile?! *very important
  • Will Chris spiral down further into the deep end?
  • Will they at least show us a DVD scratch remover in Chris’s apartment so that I can have some peace of mind?

Questions, questions. Overall, however, this was as good as it gets for the soapiest of primetime soaps. Everything went down. And I’m pretty sure all but about two secrets were revealed. Dallas keeps on getting more and more entertaining!