You just finished watching Gossip Girl episode 5.12 “Father and the Bride,” and I know you’re just dying to read what we thought about the episode. Right? Right?

Is that silence a “yes”!? I think it is!

This episode focused on Blair’s bachelorette party, thanks to her impending New York wedding to Prince of Monaco Louis. Meanwhile, Serena’s S by S daily column has a hiccup thanks to Nate and Gossip Girl scheming. Dan can’t launch a second book without an Inside connection, Beatrice and her Priest boyfriend/lovah decide to call it quits, and he hooks up (in an evil, take-down way) with Chuck. And Tripp maybe goes to jail, we don’t know.

(We may update this roundtable with more responses from our team tomorrow.)

1. So what was Tripp’s punishment? What happened there?

Kate | Going to jail I guess? *shakes head* And having his wife divorce him? And Grandpa really not loving him now?

Adey | I can’t even muster up a good answer for this. Let me just say this is the first time in a LONG time that Gossip Girl got a gasp out of me. Why? Because first of all, Serena and Nate schemed and second of all it worked. I’m still laughing. Anyway I guess his punishment is the loss of Grandpa’s love. Maybe some jail time comes with that. Also I was just wondering why no one told Chuck and Blair this. It’s not like his actions affected their lives or anything.

Heather | I am still not sure what was going on with that. I think he is being made to go live with his wolfpack or something.

Michael | Ha! I can’t with the “lack of Grandfather’s love.” Seriously. What did they do? Serena was all, “I need to go to jail,” and then I thought they’d say, “Take this guy with you — since that’s where he’s going!” This guy killed a baby… are there no repercussions? “I just wanted to ruin your weekend.” Turns out you ruined lives, Tripp. But whatever.

2. What do you think about Serena wanting her fake relationship to be real?

Adey | Uhhhhh I think that was the most pathetic I have ever seen Serena. For the first time I actually felt bad for her. It was just so painful to watch her try to explain to Dan why what she wrote about them seemed so real. And I cringed at the end when she lied to him? Why Serena why? She knows he loves Blair so she is just setting herself up for heartbreak.

Kate | Serena wanting her relationship with Dan to be real I find kind of touching. They’ve being kind of pointing to those feelings for a while now in my opinion, and… even if she weren’t feel that way, Dan is being such a cow about it. When she was talking about her relationships and he was like, “Derrr, FAKE relationship” I wanted to smack him and then cut his hair.

Heather | Serena, Serena, Serena. I understand where she is coming from. Seeing her first love move on triggering happy memories. It makes a lot of sense. I think she really does feel something, but I think she is mostly confusing nostalgia with love and projecting this idealized version of her past relationship with Dan on the current situation.

Michael | This is the part where I laughed. Remember when we asked if the show could sink any lower? Well, I don’t want to say they sinked lower — in fact, the opposite. I think this could be really fun. But it’s just going to be really sad and pathetic once everyone finds out the truth. However, I can understand that they maybe wanted to rekindle this relationship for the 100th episode to have pilot callbacks, as Safran said. Meanwhile, it seems like Dan’s still hung up on Blair, so…

3. Nate and Serena: scheming!

Kate | Nate and Serena scheming was really impressive. I did go, wait, what happened? When they were fighting it hurt because, NJBC, come on! Glad to see it was two of our less accomplished schemers pulling one off- and a big one at that! Sad that it had to impact Serena being there for Blair though- I didn’t like that. SB are not tight at all right now and it’s wrong. Where are my girls at? Remember 1×04? (I feel like there should be art for this, like ‘remember the Alamo’ or something… lol) “As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there’s no denying we’d all be a little less rich without them. And Serena and Blair? They do besties better than anyone. I WANT MY GIRLS BACK.

Adey | Kate to that I would say, but they share a bathroom. They live together. Isn’t that nugget of knowledge enough?

Kate | You have a point… I’ve never had to share a bathroom with another girl before (well, my mom doesn’t really count, you know?) But you still have to wonder how much they are even there at the same time (ha!).

Adey | No I agree… but to the writers they are only worth having scenes if they are fighting apparently… because seeing interaction would just be boring. And redundant. *thinks back to all the Dair friendship scenes this season*

Heather | I loved Nate/Serena scheming so much. They are really fun this season. I am loving that dynamic.

Michael | I was so taken aback by this. I had no idea what was going on. I was like, “Wait! What? The two most confused people on the show… schemed!?” And then Grandfather was there, all stoic, it was weird. I don’t see how it accomplished anything, really. “Aha! We got you… all lying about your wife… and… stuff! Did you record that? No?” And then Serena missed Blair’s bachelorette party. But at least it added another layer of fun, because I thought Nate was double-scheming behind Serena’s back and then it turned out that they were triple-scheming. It was Inception deep.

4. What do we think about Dan writing Louis’ vows?

Kate | I don’t like it. What is that about? Why would Louis think up such a thing, and then why would Dan — our moral compass, yes? — agree to do so? Bring your best writers, because you have a hard sell to me on this one.

Adey | I’m sorry but as a person who did enjoy the Dan and Blair interaction in season 4, this is just becoming unbearable. First off why is Louis cool with Dan writing such romantic things about Blair? That makes no sense whatsoever. Other things that I don’t get is what Dan could have possibly written to make Blair do some 180 and seemingly now enjoy her decision to marry Louis… when just last episode she was miserable. I think they have made her flakier than Serena has ever been. What did it say? I love you. You cry when you watch Nights of Cabiria. I don’t know. I just don’t know. If they wanted to go the Dan/Blair route (which its obvious they do) they should man up and make him just tell her himself. Because this is just a ridiculous contrived ploy to show what exactly? Oh that Dan really understands her. Ok then.  Why in God’s name is his reward The Stranger? How much more of a pretentious writer can they make Dan? Did he ask for that…?

Kate | I second Adey on The Stranger, ugh that had me gagging. You couldn’t pay me to re-read that sucker. Sorry, I don’t like much written in the last hundred years.

Heather | First of all, awwww. My heart died from cuteness. Second, I don’t understand why Louis does anything he does. With him still marrying Blair at this point, being BFFs with Chuck, you know, the guy Blair was running away with when she got in a wreck and miscarried his [Louis] child, Dan writing the vows seems par of the course. Third, and most importantly, awww. This show has been on giant plot contrivance since Serena “killed a man,” so I will take this over offensive plots every time.

Michael | First and unfortunately, since we knew that Dan was going to write his vows (thanks Ausiello…), it wasn’t surprising, which I think took some fun out of it. Second, it is a bit creepy. I think the writers could have pulled this off better if they made the vows something of a plotline earlier in the season and then the writing happened behind the scenes, but it seems all of it happened without our knowledge, so it’s a bit weird. If the writers maybe had Louis in this episode, scrambling to write his vows, then we figure out he sucks at writing vows, have Blair be a bit more hesitant about her marriage in this episode, and then Blair finds them, and then that shot of Louis’ note… it would have been much better to ingest. But it was weirdly just tact on. Mostly, we have to wait until Blair finds out about it to see where that story is headed… because she sort of used some lofty words to describe those vows. Also, I’m glad I’ve never read The Stranger the way you guys are describing it.

5. Why would Chuck want to “become a villain” when what Blair liked
was how good he’d become? What the heck show?

Kate | Agreed. She just told him to not give that up, his goodness, coz she was going to be… *insert favorite adjective for Blair’s character at the moment*. If I had to try and guess, it’s him losing that little bit of faith in himself, and feeling he has not other options- because his priority is Blair, and being with her. He’s tried, and nothing is working, and time is running out. I guess if we pull back to a story motif it’s the Prince and the Girl and the Villain, and it’s meant to twist that all around. For once we’re not suppose to want the fairy tale ending- the Villain is the real Prince, only made to be a Villain because in the end, it’s his heart that is the biggest, his love that is the truest of them all.

Adey | Yeah this show knows no consistency. No seriously can someone tell me when in the first place all Blair wanted from him was to be good? WTF at that even? All I remember about her falling in love with him in the first place was devastating sexual chemistry, banter, mutual love for scheming and an understanding of the other’s good side hidden from the rest of the world at first glance. Blair, honey, you are no saint, so I don’t know when it became, Blair is Eve and Chuck is the corrupting devil. That’s how they’ve written the relationship now every time Blair looks back in retrospect. So, I guess with that Chuck is the only bad one and therefore why fight against what everyone thinks of him. Blair isn’t going to go to him anyway.

Heather | This is just them following along with the End of the Affair “inspiration.” Nothing more, nothing less.

Michael | I’ll take your word for it, Heather, because it seemed in tone with the show… and then I realized that he was supposedly striving to find out why Blair doesn’t want to be with him, not ruin her wedding entirely. I don’t know, it was off for me.

6. What grade would you give this episode?

Kate | B-. Nate and Serena was really good, half of the NJBC gettin’ it on was fun. Dan frustrated me, Beatrice had more dimensions in this episode, but Chuck and Blair only had maybe 30 second of screen time? Chuck had a lot of good quips though- bursting into flames, hahahahaha! YES.

Adey | I will give this episode a C+ because I can honestly say I probably liked it better than most episodes this season (an A- if I am grading on the Season 5 scale). The episode itself was so much better than last week’s. But then again that wouldn’t take much. It was actually funny for the first time in a while with Blair’s bachelorette; however, I couldn’t shake the feeling that what I was witnessing was just SO unBlairlike. When would Blair ever get manipulated so easily? When would she get manipulated like this at all? Why would she ever let someone else plan ANYTHING for her? She doesn’t even let people surprise her with birthday gifts; she puts the pieces she wants on hold. But now she lets Beatrice plan and manipulate her? And Chuck following her around, I found it more pathetic than romantic. Just give him another storyline. Also Serena and Nate being the schemers of the show now is just…leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Dan and his book storyline I couldn’t care less about. Oddly enough the only person I ended up liking was Beatrice. Josh Schwartz please come back because the pacing and characterization is just all off. This show used to be so fast paced. Can anyone tell me what was even accomplished by this episode. This whole season? Everyone is in the same place they were at the start. I have hope that this wedding episode will be entertaining at least.

Heather | I’d give it a B. It was fun, and that’s something that has been lacking this season. It was nice seeing these characters acting closer to their age for once. I also loved the Nate/Serena stuff. I thought that twist was really clever. I had actually rolled my eyes earlier in the episode when Serena acted like she trusted Tripp over Nate, but then in the third act, I was happily surprised. My favorite scenes were the ones between Beatrice and Blair, and the ones pertaining to the vows. Just a really fun episode, and not in ridiculous, horrid way like last week.

Michael | I have some quibbles (mostly that Tripp thing… seriously? and that the show knows absolutely nothing about how online media actually works even though the show is about a blog!!!) but overall I have to put all those aside usually when I’m watching a Gossip Girl episode. The last two minutes made me actually laugh out loud… but whatever, it was entertaining as hell! What can I say? I wanted more Drunk-Blair, however. But there was so much scheming, something that I needed after the last episode, a palette-cleanser. Now all I need is some Ivy and we’re back in business! B+