So, apparently, the Buffy writers were trying to kill me this week. This is the only explanation. Can you think of another one? I mean, a Calendiles reunion AND Xander and Cordelia hooking up? Like, on the regular!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I died.

You guys, seriously. I died. I was dead for at least a minute. What do you want from me? At least I didn’t drown in a half-inch puddle. Which, by the way, Giles confirmed in these three episodes when Kendra asked.

Oh, holy crap! How do I not open with Kendra? Did you guys gasp at that!? Well, obviously not since you knew and whatnot. But whaaat? That was some cray stuff right thurr. I have to say, however, that there has never been a more unlikable awesome character ever. Ugh, it’s like Kendra is amazing but she’s also the worst person in the world with her stiff movements and the exaggerated accent.

And also what is WITH the accents on this show!? There are, like, seven of them. I’m pretty terrible at accents but what was Kendra’s? It was like a mixture of Scottish and Caribbean islander or something. It was quite strange. And what are the rules of being a slayer? I mean, are the slayers just sort of packed up in some room waiting to get a call? I was under the impression that if a slayer dies, then another one is “called on.” But I thought “called on” was, like, called on from the universe…as in they are born. But Kendra knew her whole life she was the slayer? IS ANYONE ELSE CONFUSED?

Okay, so this week I wasn’t able to make the live viewing because of reasons, which is why it took me a bit longer…not that that’s new. I don’t regret my decisions, but I will say that this crop of episodes had simultaneously the worst and best episode of the series thus far!

Have I told you what my favorite things about Buffy season two are? You know, beside the episodes getting better and whatnot? It’s questioning common English idioms! I LOVE THAT. This happened again in these crop of episodes when Buffy asked Giles the following:

I know! NINE YARDS OF WHAT? Just like “sore thumb” in the Ford episode! What do these phrases MEAN? My friends and family chalk it up to me thinking too much and overanalyzing everything, but guys, why WOULDN’T you eat cake if you had some? And aren’t people’s heads ALWAYS over their heels!? WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?

Oh, and my other favorite thing is Buffy’s dancing in the opening credits:

If you read that in the rhythm of “My Neck, My Back (Lick It),” that says more about YOU then it does ME. Anyway, thank you. I’m reminded of it every, single episode. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

But also, a moment happened during “Ted” that made me squeal. It’s when Giles (even though Cordelia’s face is on the caption) said the following:

More than I. More than I. Oh, my goodness. I shrieked like a little schoolgirl watching her favorite ship get it on for the first time. Why? Because the grammar is so correct in this sentence that I thought I was in another universe. This is also something my friends and family don’t get about me, but whatever. Most people would say “Buffy needs your help more than me.” But see, it’s “I”! WHY? Let’s just shorten this lesson and say that there are omissions in this sentence; the ending would REALLY be “…more than I DO.” But just because you don’t say it, doesn’t mean you don’t use “I.”

I was all

Credit to whomever made the GIF, who was obviously not me. It’s the same thing that happens to me whenever the radio is on and that “Titanium” song comes on and she goes “It’s you who have further to fall.” BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY “HAVE,” not “has,” and I love it every time she says it! Or like whenever I hear “Boyfriend” on the radio and DRIVE MY CAR INTO THE NEAREST WALL TO STOP THE SOUND. No, I’m kidding. I don’t hate. But whenever Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” comes on, I always have to shout “WERE” when he says “If I was your boyfriend.” Conditional clause, Biebs, HELLO! I tried having this conversation with Gwen Stefanni when she’s all “If I was a rich girl na na nananananananaaaa.”

Gwen, Fiddler on the Roof had the correct grammar in their lyrics, Y U NO HAVE CORRECT GRAMMAR? (Don’t even get me started on how if you were a rich girl, that then you’d have all the money in the world is nonsensical. Like…wouldn’t having all the money in the world ALREADY make you rich? What!? “If I had all the money in the world, then I’d be a rich girl nananananananaaa!”)

Bet you guys didn’t think I’d sneak grammar and Justin Bieber into this, huh? I think the only surprising thing about this anecdote is that I still listen to the radio. What? My car is the worst. I call it the death box — getting a radio with an auxiliary input is NOT on the top of priorities. Look, I’m not insane. And I’m also not perfect. A very smart person once told me, “The only correct language is the one that communicates.” But when I see good grammar, I squeal. Harder than I squealed with Xander/Cordelia, obviously.

Okay, I’m blabbing at this point. Let’s get to it.

2.09 “What’s My Line?” Part 1

Can we just declare this the worst and move on? I understand that the episode was needed to transition into the following episode but oh, my goodness, could it have been more broken up and shaky?

This episode begins with everyone filling out forms for career week. I’ve never done this. Has anyone else? I mean, you can always sign up for an ASVAB test annually at school, but who wants to do that and then get inundated by phone calls from the army? No thanks. But anyway, our gang was doing it. And in typical fashion, Cordelia was thinking aloud with a couple of friends of hers we’ve never seen before and will never see again. In fact, this one extra knew it so much she didn’t let the girl behind her get any screentime.

See? Poor friend number 2, there. Whatever, it’s not like Cordelia will keep these friends come next week. Anyway, she and Xander insult each other and I’m like “Oh, make out already!” Little did I know that it would only take about another hour or so. I was so naïve then, so clueless. Ah.

Meanwhile, Spike needs some decoder so that some guy can do a spell to bring Drusilla back to full health. And then my favorite line ever, yes in the worst episode, happens:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA OMG BUFFY AND BUFFY STOP IT! STAHHHHP. You’re killing me here. Oh, that’s rich. That’s the good stuff right there.

Anyway, in this scene we learn that Buffy had hobbies and aspirations, which is my favorite thing about series when they decide to retroactively add stuff like this. She was a skater — an ice skater.

Anyway, Spike gets ahold of the decoder but they don’t want the slayer to get in the way, so the slayer slayer decides to kill her…by playing pokémon.

Sure they look more like Yugioh cards, but I never played those. To be fair, I never played Pokémon either. This was a little “eh” since Spike is SUPPOSED to be the slayer slayer and whatnot. So far, still waiting for his badassness but I’ll just sit here waiting.

Back at school, the principal is still all up in Buffy’s grill about where she is even though we’ve established that the school is (A) really big with a lot of students and (B) that Buffy isn’t really that bad of a student, especially the part where she saved his life or whatever. But that’s still a thing, so we’re just going to go along with it. Then, Willow was approached by two guys in suits when everyone else went on their career adventure.

Wasn’t that tall guys THE CREEPIEST? He was really creepy. Anyway, there she met Oz, whom I have not talked about because he spent seven episodes saying “Who’s that girl!?” so there wasn’t much to say. But now he’s going to be a thing with Willow and obviously I like it because Willow deserves everything nice and awesome and sparkly because she is the best thing ever.

Let’s talk about the bounty hunters that Spike sent out to kill Buffy, or as I’ll call them Pokémon.

So this eye guy came up to Buffy while she was waiting for Angel in the ice rink. But that attack seemed like a no brainer. Buffy was LITERALLY wearing blades on her feet. So she sliced him. And then she and Angel made out, it was kind of macabre romantic slash gross.

Then we got this guy, who I’ll just use a regular picture because now it’s a different day in which I’m writing this section and I don’t have the energy to crop anymore:

Wait. I’m pretty sure he turns into maggots. But, whatever, the joke is awesome OKAY? The Maggot Guy is much more important than This Eye Guy because he is the cause for Cordelia and Xander and also in that sense I love him, so I’ll just say that he’s here for now.

And finally, we have Kendra, who we thought was a bounty hunter but wasn’t.

Her getup sort of reminded me of Foxxy Cleopatra, as in Beyoncé circa Austin Powers but apparently, since I’m horrible at time periods, she’s dressed as the ’80s, not the ’70s, according to the show. Long sentence.

To make a long story short: stuff happens, Angel’s in danger, we meet this guy with another accent

(did everyone notice that NO ONE goes to this guy’s bar-slash-whatever it is? there’s never anyone here. and also, I’m just guessing this guy was Italian, maybe that makes ME racist…I’m horrible with accents, I don’t know! and lastly, the caption is obviously a joke because KENDRA hello!) and finally the episode isn’t good until Kendra goes, “Aym Kendrah, duh vamp-eye-err slay-err!”

Phew. Thankfully, we can move on.

Oh and also this lady died:

RIP moocher 1997-1997. And also, you’ll only understand that caption if you’re a loser who watches informercials all day, LIKE I.

The Grade: Ugh.

2.10 “What’s My Line?” Part 2

We begin this episode with Buffy saying “Uh, nice try but no I’M the slayer.” And Kendra’s all:

And then Buffy’s all “Okay let’s just talk about this with no physical violence, please?” And Kendra goes:

And so obviously I’m going to mock her Scottish/Islander accent the entire episode. They go to Giles and he’s like “Yep, adds up” so Buffy’s all incredulous about it.

And then Willow walks in and we have another overalls spotting.

I’m not much of a fashion…anything…but could there BE a more fashion backward shot on television? Where’s Xander when you need him? KendRAH doesn’t understand what a “friend” is, so Buffy tries to explain by calling her an “amigo” and this is now the third time Buffy has gotten Scottish/Islander confused with SPANISH. This town needs a Hispanic/Latino faster than you can say “¡ay caramba!”

That’s when KendRAH goes, “And duu allow dis surr? But duh slay-err muhst werk in see-creht…for sehcoority.”

WHY? BUFFY WHY? EVERYONE effing knows already. It would make zero people safer if they didn’t know, to be quite honest. So much so, the following episode is a good example of why not. I don’t even!!!

And that’s when KendRAH says “Oh, bee tee dubz, that guy your tongue was in gon’ fry.” So Buffy and Kendra go to save Angel, who has just been dragged by White Minority and given to Spike and his team.

But who cares? The important part here is Xander and Cordelia going to Buffy’s house — where he calls them the Scooby gang, ahhh it all adds up! — and the countdown to their smooching begins. The Maggot Guy keeps trying to ask for Buffy but Cordelia is just snapping her gum and looking at samples.

And then Cordelia says, “Nothing personal, but you should look into selling dictionaries.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Wait.

OH HAHAHAHAHABBAHHAAHHHHH. That’s how old this show is, guys.

Anyway, maggots start to crawl down his arm. So she’s freaked out, as Xander is. And then this happens and it’s gross:

Do maggots/worms go this fast? And why didn’t they just run out the front door? I don’t care, because they get locked in the basement (THANK YOU) and start squashing bugs with their shoes in a scene I can’t believe PETA didn’t get up in arms about.

Y’know, PETA, the group that gets mad when people treat animals unfairly and showcase their mission statement by exploiting women.

Anyway, that happens. Meanwhile, Angel is in the sewers and Drusilla is really happy she’s going to be able to torture him

She’s all mad because he killed her family and made her insane and then turned her into an evil, demonic being, thereby keeping her insane for all eternity or whatever. Women! They always hold a grude, am I right?

That’s when Giles talks about how he knows what Spike’s plans are to Kendra and this weird dynamic can be summed up in one picture:

Basically.

Kendra is like the slayer Buffy could never be. Be careful what you wish for, Buffs. We later, through various scenes, find that Kendra’s sce-nah-ree-oh isn’t the best. And so while Buffy may want to lead just a normal life, at least she still has one. Unlike KendRAH.

Also, if I have another favorite thing about Buffy, it’s probably long one-shot scenes. For the most part, the show doesn’t utilize them correctly AT ALL, but I AM always impressed at the actors’ ability to get through an entire scene in one shot. Congratulations, actors! Fantastic feat!

BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE XANDER AND CORDELIA SCENE AGHHHHH. SCREW THEIR DIALOGUE, THIS HAPPENS:

OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I died here. Heaven was cool. LOLJK I totally went to Hell and it was AWFUL. Good luck with that when you die, you guys.

Anyway and then this happened (again):

Part of it was because it was much colder in my room than it was in Hell. And the other part was because OH MY GOODNESS CORDELIA AND XANDER KISSED ASGJFADFGJS;LGKASDF;;;;

In fact, thinking about it now even makes me weak. So much so, I’m going to go to sleep and resume in the AM. Cool? Cool.

Okay I’m back. So, after the kiss, they decide they needs tuh get out. But Maggot Guy was hiding on the ceiling and fell all over Cordelia, so she asks very nonchalantly to get them off. And Xander decides the hose is the best way.

I’m not even going to say the joke I had here. Just use your imagination, lest I’d like to be labeled as beyond gross. All I’ll say is that Xander was obviously lingering with that hose. And that’s TOTALLY something the writers put in so I’m not THAT gross! Basically, [metaphor].

So anyway, we’re back in school and by this time I completely forgot that there’s supposed to be a third bounty hunter, and it turns out it’s the police lady!

She shoots Oz and then runs away. So Oz is hurt but by the end of this episode no one cares and people still attend this school and no one has decided to get the eff out of this town already.

And then Xander meets KendRAH who is all tongue tied next to him, and he now has a slayer that’s finally into him. But he won’t be checking her out like so

because his mind is preocupado with Cordelia. This is where they find out that Angel will die if they don’t find him. And a lot of stuff happens, including Buffy and KendRAH bonding and then Angel, Spike, and Drusilla have a scene that’s DEFINITELY not a metaphor.

Oh so this show is going THERE, I see, Degrassi style. (Ugh that show always makes me feel so depressed when I watch it.) Not only was the [metaphor] fantastic but it also allowed me to experience another favorite line, which was “Rrrrr-ruff! Bad dog.” I know Angel whispers a lot, but I DEFINITELY heard this line loud and clear.

Anyway, fast forward and the ritual’s about to begin.

Sure, Buffy’s tied up, but this obviously wasn’t going to end well for Spike and Co.  Then a lot of badass fighting happens and eventually Spike and Drusilla get stuck under here during a fire:

Then blah blah blah blah blah. And then once again I died.

And oh look at this! Another student-made sign that’s completely laminated and perfect.

And then blah blah blah KendRAH is leaving even though she should totally stay and help out and is all “Tank yoo. Dis is who yoo ahhrrr.” And Buffy finally gets it. And then Drusilla wakes up appearing to be sane enough from her sire’s blood.

Personally, I feel like Dru promises to be a better villain than Spike has been thus far. I’m going to stop listening to y’all about who’s badass and who’s not from now on!

The Grade: Muuuuuuuuuch better than part 1.

2.11 “Ted”

Okay, final episode. Hey, you guys should probably warn me when someone like JOHN RITTER guest stars! Okay, so to be fair, I’ve seen maybe two episodes of Three’s Company and 8 Simple Rules, but I HAVE seen every episode of Clifford the Big Red Dog. C’mon! Throw me a bone!

Ha! GET IT?

Anyway, I have some jokes for this episode that I will NOT use because then you guys would REALLY call me crude and so I’ll just stop that here and will instead just sort of review this episode. But I WILL say that I think “Ted” is my favorite episode of Buffy thus far. It’s weird, since I generally don’t like the standalone episodes but to be honest this is perhaps the first one that’s actually had any gravitas that seems genuine. Ugh, it’s weird, I don’t know how to explain it. But this was a really good episode.

And then I went back and checked who wrote it. No surprise here.

The storyline had the potential to get stale — fast. I mean, teenager who doesn’t like her mom’s new guy and then it turns out he’s awful? Sounds like that happens a LOT. But it was awesome anyway. Even though they had to revert Joyce back to horrible mother again.

“So your new boyfriend threatened to hit me.”
“Oh, Buffs. Please.”

WHAT? I was very not happy with that scene. I can’t even believe it was actually written. Am I supposed to take Joyce seriously from now on or…?

The point being that the level of emotion conveyed when Buffy “kills” Ted was almost heartbreaking and the layers it gave the storytelling was so dynamic. And the use of making Ted an actual robot, which could have been just lame, was so wonderfully woven to display the nature of a domestic abuser. Thankfully, I’ve never been victim to this, but hope someone else could find it…real?…in how it was portrayed on Buffy.

Elsewhere, Xander and Cordelia are making out in closets. Ahhhhhhhh!

And Calendiles have a reunion.

So, yeah, it was the best episode. I just don’t think the main storyline has been able to convey emotion and story this well. But that’s ME.

The Grade: Do you really need me to tell you!?

And that was another three episodes of Buffy. We continue this Monday at 9:30PM EDT on Twitter, #BuffyRewatch. How do we feel about bumping it up to 8pm EDT the following week? Anyway, until then Scoobies!

Michael

Mike’s a television junkie located in Miami, where he spends all of his time watching TV with his best friends couch and cable access.