“What is this!?” you ask as you have just clicked the link from Twitter to read this recap. Your eyes are wide, your face full of awe, the slight hint of — could it be? yes…yes, it is! — drool making its way out your mouth and down your chin, the glisten in your pupil begins to expand!

IT’S A TOTALLY NEW LOOK ON NWN AHHHHH!!!!

So if you haven’t noticed by now, NWN looks a bit different. We hope you like it. Look, we tried okay? Do we not get effort for that!? I think this one matches our (and my…) personality better. And we think it’s awesome. Not in a conceited way, just in a we checked ourselves out in the mirror and we’d totally bang us way. (Yes we’ve heard some concerns; no one likes change! But hey there’s a dedicated rewatch section on the homepage now!)

Okay, let me get on with it. This week, I was at the live rewatch and was excited to watch what everyone told me would be a huuuuuuge cliffhanger for “Surprise.” I gotta say that it wasn’t THAT huge. I could have waited a week! I mean, I know that in the grand scheme of things Angel losing his humanity is HUGE but the only thing I would have gathered from that cliffhanger is that he got a hernia or something. I mean, he did just go through a workout. Heh heh heh.

Last week, everyone told me that Spike is JUST THE BEST OKAY SHUT UP and I decided not to respond to those comments because I’m REALLY bad at confrontation, so instead I’ll offer my reasoning here. The way Spike was presented was full-on badass. I know everyone is saying that’s not the reason you love him, but that’s how he was presented. How else do you label someone whose first scene is him driving in a sweet car,  knocking down a sign, and then smoking a cigarette in a leather jacket? Legally night blind? Then his second scene was him bragging that he killed three other slayers in his lifetime. Unfortunately, he hasn’t lived up to his introduction in the least. For the time begin, the reason I think Drusilla could be a better villain is because she has more connection to Angel (and therefore Buffy). Yes, Spike loves Dru and that means he has a thread in that connection, but the execution is just not strong enough in this second season. People like Ted have brought better emotional havoc to Buffy and Friends than Spike and Dru. Even in “Surprise,” Buffy dreams of Dru killing Angel. Spike isn’t even in the dream! See where I’m getting at? That’s what I think, anyway. And of course, there’s a lot of series left to figure out who the Spike character is, because apparently HE’S JUST THE BEST so I’m going to shut up now.

Okay now that I’ve made my grievances in the beginning, I have an entire post left to win you over!

2.12 “Bad Eggs”

IT’S 1998!!!!! WOOHOO!

Hey remember when Joyce was the worst and then she redeemed herself and then became the worst again in “Ted” (yes she was drugged, but could she at least cough up an apology? no, ugh)? Well here she is again being ridiculous, y’know, given the circumstances.

I think she’s closer to getting her name right.

I mean, if my daughter saved me from A SERIAL KILLER, I’d probably be like, “Okay, just ONE slutty outfit.” But Joyce has completely forgot that just a week ago she was in the embraces of a psychopathic … err robot … and that her daughter saved her life or whatever. And she’s REALLY concerned about this.

And it doesn’t help matters that Joyce has to choose between getting some fliers and picking up some outfit at a store and the stores ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE RIGHT NOW (even though there looks to be about a bajillion people in the mall).

So she sends Buffy to get the outfit. And when going down the escalator she realizes that the one half of a couple going up is a vampire because his reflection doesn’t show in some HUGE ASS MIRROR. WHAT THE HELL? How did NO ONE else notice this!?!?! If these are the people populating Sunnydale, then they probably deserve to die, seriously.

Being the good slayer she is, Buffy decides to go kill the vamp. And when she gets there, they tussle, and the most awesomest thing ever happens. The vampire catches his hat while he’s in the middle of a summersault. HOW? WHAT? LOGIC DEFIED.

It was awesome. But for the most part this guy was actually going to be a recurring story this episode and it was like why? Anyway, Buffy goes to eat food and doesn’t like it which I take offense to because Cajun Grill is amazing Buffy so please! And she doesn’t have the dress so Joyce is all:

And so Buffy decides to offer some truth and I’m like YES JUST PLEASE.

Ugh. And this is now the second time Joyce has admitted she doesn’t understand her daughter at all. So, y’know…

We get the Turn Face theme song and then…

Oh, I should mention that the reason I’m really recapping this episode so much (instead of skipping it like I do most standalones) is because I REALLY liked this episode. More so than the other two. Someone told me I’m weird like that. And also apparently a couple of people are telling other people that some random guy on the Internet is watching Buffy (and one is taking bets on whom I’ll like?). I think I should feel awesome. And sure, I could edit this post and put this in some other part but that’s now how I do. I stream of consciousness these bihhhs!

…anyway, and then we get an AWESOME Xander and Cordelia scene.

I’m really glad that Xander has lasted as Cordelia’s boyfriend(?) for longer than an episode. That most likely means he won’t show up dead…besides the fact that he’s a series regular. Thus far, the way to survive Sunnydale is to (A) NOT be near any lockers and (B) NOT date Cordelia. You’d think that being Buffy’s friend would help, but we all know how those FOTEs ended up….

And then this happened:

Seriously, stop being Mean Girls, BTVS! Mr. Whimore, who obviously wrote his name on the board because the kids he sees everyday will forget, gives everyone eggs to take care of. I’ve never done this. Has anyone else?

Oh, wait. I think I once had to make a baby with a 5lb sugar body and carry it around. I can’t remember. Again, I could have edited this post, but where’s the fun in that?

Anyway, he gives everyone eggs. I’m going to guess that he was already overtaken by that creepy parasite thing when he gave out these eggs because it doesn’t make sense otherwise. And HOW he got infected is thinking too much so I won’t.

BUT HOW? EXPLAIN YO’SELF.

So anyway, since Buffy missed the three-minute-long class, Willow had to give her the egg.

And this is where Buffy mentions that everything she takes care of dies. INCLUDING HER GIGA PET. Holy crap, even though it’s 1998 — it’s still very much the ’90s on Buffy, reminding me of the Tamagotchi days (don’t lie, you had one). Don’t worry, Buffs. Those damn things died for NO REASON. If you just looked away for a second you’d find your damn pet with Xs for eyes already.

Sheesh. The ’90s were so stressful.

Anyway, Buffy is now a single mother taking care of a not-understandable thing, yeah yeah yeah parallels you understand. Moving on. Buffy and Angel decide to make out and IT’S THE LOUDEST OMG.

I don’t think I’ve ever advocated for people to use tongue a little more so that their lips will stop smacking together and thus not have my ear drums pop! As someone who tweeted me put it, obviously SMG and DB have microphones inside of their mouthes during these scenes.

Okay okay so this kissing scene was really loud and passionate and it took place in a graveyard. I’m just saying, Buffy and Angel OBVIOUSLY get off on dead people surrounding them, proving my theory from last week (the ice rink) correct. They decide to kiss some more after looking for vampires in a quick glimpse (even though they’re seriously in plain sight) and I’m wondering why this southern vamp is still a storyline.

So anyway, I know a lot of people are probably wondering why I liked this episode (especially over the following two) and it comes down this scene. Buffy is in bed, tucks her egg in, and goes to sleep. But the egg does this:

I was BEYOND creeped out. For some reason things like this REALLY creep me out. And this was the scene where the episode was like “Yeah, we gon try and scare you and what?” And, guys, THEY SUCCEEDED. This was the first time I’ve been scared watching this show (not this scene, but I’ll mention when…and the most HILARIOUS non-scary thing happens this episode too). I previously mentioned that something scared me before, but this lasted like an entire episode. SO…this is why I liked this episode more than the next ones.

Oh and this is obviously a future reference to The Secret Circle.

Which also creeped me out because I’m very scared of parasitical things entering your brain and stuff. Obviously, my fears are very rational.

Then this happens.

Ugh, what is this? Why are you here? Someone please tell me this has importance in a following episode or something because WHAT IS THE POINT? Just stop.

And then Sarah Michelle Gellar gets up from a bad night’s rest looking sexy as hell, as is the norm with TV/film.

And then Joyce tries to pretend she’s a good mom.

Ugh I hate Joyce for making me hate her and then have awesome, real-moment type scenes like this tongue-in-cheek one right here. Pick a lane, BTVS!

And then yet another black character we’ve never seen before dies.

At least I’m guessing that’s what happens. And now we’re at the part that creeped me out / scared me.

AND THEN THIS:

(This GIF stops after a while, but it moves I promise. Refresh the page and come back!)

Ew ew ew eww ew ewklafsdf ewwwww! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. And Buffy’s just there like.

GUH. ROSS. Anyway, she has to, like, kill this thing. It’s crawling all around her room and I’m completely grossed out because of my parasitical fears. And then it crawls on her and I get the heebie jeebies. But she decides to stab it relentlessly (where’s PETA?) and it’s dead. She figures, hey maybe I should call Willow to warn her that THERE’S A THING INSIDE THE EGG TRYING TO ATTACK YOU, but Willow is like “Dude, chill.” But it turns out it already got to her!!!

So then Joyce walks in and decides to ground Buffy. But Buffy covers up the creature with a towel even though — AGAIN — just telling her mom would be the best option. Anyway, a lot of stuff happens, including infected Cordelia and Willow bashing Buffy and Xander on the head, and everyone in school is mummified and whatnot. Then Joyce is a horrible mother again when she goes “Kids are — well, I don’t want to say burden. ACTUALLY, I kind of do want to say burden.” Whatevs, Joyce.

And then I had the MOST AMAZING LAUGH during this:

HAHAHAHAAHAHAAA!!! Oh, my god. You guys, seriously. I’m in tears right now as I’m writing!!!! I can’t express the hilarity of this scene. It’s a combination of Giles’ extremely slow way of putting the parasite on Joyce and her hilarious reaction when it’s on her. It’s so effing hilarious, I can’t. It sort of reminds me of — well, okay, we have a contributor MacKenzie who did a Vampire Diaries and Secret Circle podcast with me here and told me to watch H2O: Just Add Water, which is a series that airs on TeenNick with Phoebe Tonkin and Claire Holt (from Australia). Anyway, Phoebe and Claire play mermaids and when they transition they sort of fall EXACTLY like this. And it’s so hilarious EVERY SINGLE TIME.

So this is really funny. Fast forward, a lot of stuff happens and it turns out there’s some huge thing living under the school for convenience reasons that wants to take over the world and then Buffy kills it and the day is saved. Joyce still thinks Buffy needs to learn responsibility even though she just saved the world for the umpteenth time and isn’t the least bit happy that her daughter didn’t suffer through a “gas leak” OR THAT SHE SAVED HER FROM A SERIAL KILLER JUST A WEEK AGO JOYCE OMG WHAT IS YOUR LIFE? And then Buffy and Angel make out really loudly. Roll credits.

The Grade: I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this episode. You have no idea. Fantastic!

2.13 “Surprise”

So since I spent forever talking about “Bad Eggs” and I need to publish this today, let’s just get through the most important parts of the following two episodes. The first installment of this two-parter dealt with Buffy thinking of giving in to her…uh…urges with Angel. Let’s break it down:

More Friends

So the beginning of this episode is Buffy having a dream in which she’s on Friends. How else do you explain the following:

Yes, the monkey. Marcel! Duh. Or even this:

Cups so big that they might as well have a nipples on them! (Friends fans will understand this reference.)

Grammar

Remember how I was completely elated when Giles said, “More than I?” Well imagine how devastated I was when Angel said:

He totally Justin Bieber’d it. “Was.” Very saddening here. (Okay to be fair, Giles is obviously a character that would get this right and Angel is not, but STILL. I was so happy.)

The basis of this episode is that Buffy has a dream that she’s on Friends in which Drusilla is still alive and kills Angel. My favorite thing about this, actually, is what you guys have told me — the show has great continuity. The continuity of Buffy’s dreams being prophetic is great…and it certainly makes sense. Good for you BTVS!

Wait… Jenny’s a what?

I’m not going to lie to you. I knew this one. I have spent fifteen years knowing absolutely ZERO things about Buffy until I actually started watching it. And it’s not like I’ve been trolling tags or something. They just keep showing up EVERYWHERE. Some of the biggest ones obviously being Willow, the fate of a certain character, and Jenny being a gypsy. But the gypsy thing I just kept telling myself, “Nah. They lyin’! They mean it like…I don’t know, something else.”

But no, she’s like a real gypsy.

This curse, however, is weird. How is this bad for Angel? Who put this curse on him? Obviously not the gypsies because they didn’t want it to happen. The curse just seems a bit counterintuitive. Like, “We hate you so much and what you did we’re going to punish you by making sure you revert back into the thing we hate so much!!!” Moving on…

Oz just knows about vamps

Proving yet again that there is zero reason to not tell Joyce. I can’t even explain how anticlimactic this was, just like when anyone else finds out. And hey look, Oz will probably NOT be in danger anymore. Unlike Joyce. Again.

The Judge

Because the show needed something else that could be an all-out threat to Buffy and Co., they created The Judge. And he’s like some guy that just kills anyone that has good in them, apparently.

Oh and also, he looks like Hellboy.

Since they tried to fight this Judge guy, Angel and Buffy are pretty shaken up. So they decide to relax by doing the deed.

And then Angel has a hernia so he runs out in the rain.

The Grade: It wasn’t bad, but the second parts of two-parters on Buffy are always better. Also, did anyone notice the colors Buffy and Dru wore the entire episode?! SUCH INTELLIGENT SYMBOLISM.

2.14 “Innocence”

Okay, so I’ve never been a seventeen year old girl, but I imagine the things you DON’T want to happen after you do that for the first time are the following:

Correct me if I’m wrong.

At least Angel’s consistent with how he tries to ruin women’s lives.

Willow Feels

In this episode, Willow finds out that Xander and Cordelia have been hooking up. And UGH WHY?? You guys warned me, but I was NOT prepared for these Willow feels!!!

It’s like someone purposefully went inside me and ripped my heart out. WILLOW!

Smoking

I still have zero idea how vampires smoke without breath. Anyone?

Badass Buffy

That just deserved to be here.

As well as this:

Also, let’s not mention how a mall full of witnesses saw a seventeen year old girl shoot some blue guy with a bazooka but Joyce is still oblivious, shall we?

The Grade: A lot of what this episode relies on is if you’re heavily invested in the Angel and Buffy relationship, and the fact just remains that I’m not. This is most likely why I liked “Bad Eggs” much more. The good news is that I AM invested in Buffy herself, so thank you for trying really hard to make me cry in that final scene, Buffy writers. Why would you do that to me? And also everyone knows I’m a sucker for some good Xander/Cordelia scenes and an ending Giles/Buffy scene. THE GILES/BUFFY SCENE.

Also, here are a couple of funny Angel faces:

All right! That about wraps it up for this week. I was definitely thinking of making a poll for a new schedule but I put this up so late… agh. Anyway, join us for more live-watching this Monday at 9:30pm EDT as per usual!