So I apologize that I haven’t even talked about whether or not the Vampire Diaries photo recap was going to be a thing this time around. I won’t lie, I did experience a bit of exhaustion from stealing someone else’s gig, but that’s not exactly what happened. I began working on it Sunday afternoon and just wasn’t “feeling” it — whatever that means, really — so I stopped. But then I got busy. Stupid life. Then, we covered the premiere episode over and over again! And now I have another photo recap to do, and the new episode airs in about 24 hours.

So instead, I’m going to use words to get through this photo recap. I know, I know, that’s not really the NWN way to do photo recaps, but it’s much faster to do it this way! And here we go…

Okay, this was the moment where I just felt like Bonnie should UNDERSTAND Klaus’s style by now. He has done this about a million times, half of them to her. He even did this again IN THE SAME EPISODE. Klaus was so much Klaus in this episode, I was expecting him to break out his AT&T Smartphone and tell Bonnie to sign up for the new shared data mobile plan — OR I WILL STRANGLE YOU.

Anyway, then we had a scene with Meredith and the preacher guy.

Basically, he confiscated all of her vampire blood because vampires are evil. I also like the guy that dies’ look behind him in the picture. He’s all “Das right. Give us duh BLOOD.”

Then they tried to basically catch all the vampires in town. But can someone PLEASE explain to me how vampire superhuman hearing actually works? Caroline can hear them coming when she’s in a hospital room with Matt but she can’t hear it when she’s walking outside of her home? Also, why does she walk out the front door!? ALSO WHY DOESN’T SHE USE HER VAMPIRE SPEED TO GET OUT OF TOWN? ALSO, WHY DO YOU NEED POSSESSIONS WHEN YOU’RE A VAMPIRE AND CAN COMPEL PEOPLE TO GIVE YOU THINGS ON THE RUN???

Vampire Diaries, Y U NO MAKE NO SENSE?

Anyway, back at Elena’s house, Elena is trying to eat a sandwich but can’t hide the fact that it tastes awful, since you know she’s becoming a vampire or whatever.

Stefan continually tried to make Elena feel like she wasn’t becoming an undead evil person constantly. “You will eat again, Elena! You will munch down on human food! Delectable morsels of chocolate muffins will flirt wistfully with your tender tastebuds yet again!” (I may have skipped lunch.) Then, Stefan offered to clean up the ONE sandwich on the table. And Elena was like “Uh, hell yeah you will since you effing allowed me to die. What the hell? Talk about an uneven trade.”

So she went upstairs and was confronted with her own uncompelled past, which was a pretty neat way to remember something.

It seemed like maybe Elena would be swayed by this, but…not yet. But there was no time to continue thinking about memories you never had before, Elena! Before she knew it, Rebekah, Stefan, and even herself, were being taken by the council. I love the council pretending they’re relevant.

Mayor told her not-son about Caroline being captured, after she was demoted herself for being the absolute WORST. So, not-Tyler went to save Caroline by knocking the van over like a G. And — get this — Rebekah had the audacity to be like “Uh, you gonna save me?” and this was BEFORE she thought it was Klaus! What kind of!? And Klaus was like “no I don’t have time” even though YOU ARE A VAMPIRE…nay, HYBRID, YOU ARE FAST. Oh, my goodness!

Also, can we say that the MVP of this episode was OBVIOUSLY Trevino? You were amazing this episode. Kind of sad that Klaus was back in his own body so soon. Also, I should clarify here that when I asked in my review why Klaus needed Tyler’s body, I didn’t mean the technical reason, I just meant that why did they do this if he was only going to stay in the body for like two seconds? He could have just stayed in limbo and then returned to his own body.

Then all of the Regular Beings plus Damon gathered up to talk about how much the current situation suuuuucks. Matt specifically was all “Woe is me, I survived almost-drowning, my life is the wooorrssst.” Damon agreed and got all Klaus on him.

Back with preacher/vampire-hater, Elena was getting a bit antsy. So she decides to run away.

This guy.

Then, the most dreaded scene was up next. But I was actually okay with how they handled it.

Okay, back to Bonnie trying to save everyone because that’s just her job apparently. She tells Jeremy, “I’m just gonna die NBD.” And he’s like “Nah, I’d rather my sister die than you.” But she decides to anyway, and it goes off just like it always does — with Bonnie bleeding all over the damn place.

Anyway, she dies and goes into limbo trying to save Elena.

But then Jasmine Guy interrupted the whole thing.


I love that Jasmine Guy was all “You can’t do this because if you do this again, bad things will happen!” Why couldn’t she just let her take Elena and then NOT touch black magic again? Because she did black magic again ANYWAY and “bad things happened” regardless, but since she had two more chances, like she might as well have saved Elena!

Anyway, that was a bust. So Klaus is all “put me back in mah bodehhh!!” And Bonnie’s like “No, that is not gonna happen.” So Klaus goes “I will kill Tyler!” And Jeremy’s all “This doesn’t make sense, you don’t have a witch!” And Klaus is like “I HAVE THOUSANDS OF WITCHES!” But…what? So Bonnie decides to do the spell and Jasmine Guy is not happy.

What?

Meanwhile, Elena stayed trapped with Stefan and Rebekah, needing some blood. They decided to kill one of the guys who were keeping them trapped, but not before Elena professes her love for the guy who let her die.

Outside, Damon’s using Matt as bait to trade for Elena and Stefan. And then he stabs someone with a gun, which was absolutely THE BEST THING. And then he decides he wants to kill Matt for reasons that are out of anyone’s ability of thinking, but vamp-Elena is not happy with that (even though she’s okay with some random guy dying for her staying alive…).

Then the episode is like “okay we’re ending.” Elena has a conversation with Damon which basically goes like this “Guy! Really?” And he goes “We are going to bang soon, don’t chu worry.” And she pretends like she doesn’t need a mop, but she does. Then Stefan yells at Matt for being so sad that he’s alive. Klaus packs up blood bags and Rebekah is all “YOU SUCK” and then busted the blood bags.

So he decided to strangle her because that’s OH SO ORIGINAL.

And then he broke her neck because I would be pissed if I had to clean up all that blood too.

And then Elena and Stefan had a conversation about the rest of their lives.

And then he presented her with a daylight ring because somewhere between dying and her grandmother re-dying, Bonnie had the time to do that.

But that’s not all, folks! The council leader decided to kill everyone in the council!

Now that is all, folks! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

Sorry for not having a traditional photo recap this week, but this was a bit quicker to make. I hope (keyword: hope) to do the Gossip Girl photo recap (traditionally) tomorrow and of course a TVD review tomorrow as well. Until then. Okay byeeeee!!

NoWhiteNoise Team

Posts with the byline as “NoWhiteNoise Team” are articles written in collaboration by the entire staff here at NoWhiteNoise.