A year ago today on Friday January 27th, 2012, the Chuck series finale aired on NBC and my heart sunk a few levels. It’s difficult to describe that certain feeling you get when you find a series that truly tugs at your heartstrings and, quite simply and maybe even pathetically, makes you feel like home. Because that’s what Chuck did to me in a way no other series has before or thereafter — whenever I watched it, I felt at home. Sure, I had other “favorites” (Friends and Veronica Mars, to be precise) and I have “favorites” now (Breaking Bad, 30 Rock is still on!) but none that will compare to my greatest love of all. And I’m beginning to fret I may never find that certain feeling again. What’s left of me is just a shell of a television fanatic.

Three hundred sixty-five days later, I still haven’t even rewatched an episode. I just…could never bring myself to, even though I desperately have wanted to (over and over again, I just feel it’s maybe too soon). Besides, I thought it would keep me distracted with my past when what I really needed was to look forward into the future.

And yet, my future has not arrived — at least not yet. There have been glimmers of hope, of course. Go On, Matthew Perry’s NBC vehicle, may be what some call mediocrity, but I call it lovable. Even then, it’s great as I watch but I don’t think I’ll ever buy a DVD, which I consider the litmus test. (The same is true for ex-Friends stars Courteney Cox with Cougar Town and Matt LeBlanc with Episodes.) As aforementioned, I found Breaking Bad in the last year, but the same rule applies. I could never truly geek out about that. And thanks to the awesome NWN community, I got to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer this past year… and I promise it came really close, but alas no cigar.

Perhaps I was keeping my heart too guarded and this is why I haven’t been able to let a show in, as I did with Chuck. I like to think that way, but the more and more I search for my next favorite show, I just find that there’s nothing that could ever compare.

Or maybe I’m not meant to find a new favorite show. Maybe — just maybe — Chuck is the only one that could ever fill the part of my being. I’ve been trying to replace it for so long, but I’ve known this entire time that nothing ever really could. I won’t say I’m not open to it, but Chuck was like lightning in a bottle, something that could never be replicated.

Your wit, your full-on geekness, your passionate community, your fantastic acting, your self-awareness, your clunky-yet-absolute-freaking-okay storytelling, your characters, your references, your ability to get stunning guest stars… goodness, everything — it just cannot be done again.

A year ago, I wrote this paragraph in the finale review that still speaks directly about my feelings today:

Thank you, Chuck. Thank you for five seasons of amazing, heartbreaking, epic, hilarious, dramatic, mysterious, suspenseful, fantastic, gut-wrenching, beautiful television. Thank you to everyone who made Chuck possible. You have absolutely no idea how much you affected my life. Thank you. Goodbye, Chuck. I will miss you dearly.

Alas, I await another series that I can at some point call another true favorite. But until then, Chuck, you will always be in my television-heart.