I’d like to start off this review by thanking Ryan Murphy for wasting 13 weeks of my life. Was I doing anything super important at 10 o’clock on Wednesdays? Well, no… but still. Anyone who caught last night’s finale knows what I’m talking about. At the same time, if she made up that whole story, how did she have a baby? Okay, sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Source: Vagina Con
Last night’s finale brought semi-resolution to all of the stories you’ve been pretending to care about since October. Since Sister Mary Eunice checked out a couple weeks ago (way to resolve that one, Murphy…) I’ve found it difficult to care about American Horror Story: Asylum. Okay, if we’re being honest, I might have had that problem earlier, but Lily Rabe kept me holding on! Last night’s finale didn’t even give us resolution on that whole devil storyline. I guess the devil dies with fire… but doesn’t Hell have a lot of fire? I mean, that just raises further questions… wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, so the devil didn’t make an appearance, instead Ryan Murphy treated us to an hour of Lana in poorly aged make-up conveniently reminiscing about what happened to everyone.
Sister Jude finally found redemption in the form of the least satisfying storyline ever. Ridiculous character turn-arounds for convenient plot reasons are pretty standard for a Ryan Murphy show, but the complete forgiveness of such an abysmal character is pretty ridiculous. I mean, I know to forgive is divine or whatever, but seriously? She legitimately ran a girl down when she was a drunk ho. I’m just supposed to look the other way on that? Yeah, she was a terrible person even before the power of running Briarcliff went to her head. It’s cool though, cuz she got out of Briarcliff and died a peaceful death. Yeah, that was what I wanted to happen with that storyline. I wanted good things for Sister Jude after hating her all season, totally.
Source: Zap2It
Still, that’s nothing compared to Kit. After developing pancreatic cancer (seriously?) Kit gets a visit from the little green men. They’re all, like, “Sup, brah? Long time no see. Wanna chill in our spaceship?” Okay, maybe they didn’t say those exact words, but that’s sort of how I imagine it going down. So Kit goes with them, even though they space-raped his wife and she went crazy and killed his other baby mama. Yeah, remember that gem? Anyways, Kit goes with the aliens and lives happily ever after… at least, I think… they’re kinda unclear on that one.
Lana is the storyteller throughout this whole thing, but she still commands way too much of this episode. The episode veers through a whole bunch of flashbacks and present day (Right? That was present day, wasn’t it?) as she tells her story to what is perhaps, the worst fake journalist in the history of the fake profession. Dylan McDermott shows up on set like a homicidal reject from Maury, screaming about how she’s his mama and everything. They talk it out, then Lana gets the drop on him and kills him before he can kill her. It gave me some comfort that at least my mommy issues aren’t as bad as his… that’s what I was supposed to take away from that, right? None of that compares to the doozy of an ending (By the way, Lana said “doozy” in the finale, and now I’m working on bringing it back…) where it is revealed that Lana was lying the whole time… or was she? I think it was supposed to be a bit of a mind fuck, but by the end, I just couldn’t bring myself to care. Lie or not, those people are out of my life now, and I couldn’t be happier.
What did you think of last night’s episode?
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Calhoun Kersten is unofficially over-educated and unemployable. he is currently finishing up his Masters thesis on horror films from DePaul University, but now resides in Hell on earth aka Los Angeles. When he’s not writing, he enjoys being a grown man who still watches Arthur on PBS, singing along loudly to Three 6 Mafia, and spending time with his dog, Karl Marx.