Did everyone feel the love last night? Whether it was girlish crushes, budding feelings, deep-seated devotion, or purely getting lucky, love was definitely in the air. This week’s episode might not have had the wham effect that last week’s had, but it was so full of new developments that who really cares? So with all these new plots being set up, everyone’s story is ready to go in its own direction. Who do you think is in for trouble?
Beric Dondarrion Superstar
It’s a Beric Dondarrion vs. The Hound Smackdown! Armed with a magical flaming sword as he may be, Beric still loses out to his gigantic competitor. The Hound swings right through Beric’s sword and down into his shoulder. He’s dead. No wait, he’s not! Thoros (a priest?) recites a spell or prayer and brings him right back to life. What.
Later, Beric explains his multiple resurrections (six!) to Arya: the Lord of Light brings him back through Thoros’s words. Arya asks if he could possibly bring back Ned, but no, it’s like zombies: once the head is removed, it’s all over.
Gendry thinks he’ll just ditch Arya and hang with the Brotherhood. He’s tired of serving A-holes, and bonus, the Brotherhood will be like the family he never had. Arya is suitably outraged. “I can be your family,” she says, but Gendry says no, she’d be his Lady.
Jon Snow becomes a man
That one Wildling who looks like Ragetti from Pirates of the Caribbean interrogates Jon about how guarded the Night’s Watch postings are. Jon grumpily reports that 19 castles surround the Wall, 3 are manned, and Castle Black has 1000 men. Nobody believes him, though, so I don’t know why they’re even asking.
Jon’s uncooperative mopiness turns Ygritte all the way on, and she leads him to a secret cave where she promptly disrobes. Jon remains an uncooperative mope for a couple of seconds, then gets right to business. “Why are you still dressed? You know nothing, Jon Snow,” Ygritte says. But from her following reaction, it looks like Jon Snow finally knows something.
Off with his head
A crazed Lord Karstark breaks into the room holding those two random Lannister kids and guts them like a fish. Why do they keep this deranged old coot around?! Robb—wearing a strangely revealing super hot outfit—wonders the same thing. Lord Karstark plays Treason Bingo and attempts another form of it: calling Robb “The King Who Lost the North.” Robb has him locked up and everyone else involved hanged. Yikes.
Robb wants Karstark killed, obviously, but Catelyn, Edmure, and Talisa warn him that the Karstark men will abandon him. Robb is like LALALA NOT LISTENING. Karstark is led out in the rain, where he tells Robb, “You are no king of mine.” And just like Papa Stark taught him, Robb takes the old man’s head himself.
And then guess what happens? Karstark’s men peace out of there fast. What’s a Stark to do? Well, for one, stop whining. You’re a king, Robb. Secondly, attack Casterly Rock. And last of all, approach Walder Frey—the man whose daughter you promised to marry but then didn’t—for help. Are any of these good ideas? We’ll see.
Return to Camp Bolton
Upon their arrival, Lord Bolton sets Brienne free. Jaime is taken to the local doctor, who wants to chop his whole arm off. Jaime’s not having that. Instead, he opts for rotten skin removal and flesh burning, but insists on no anaesthetic. What a boss!
Brienne takes a hot bath that is super relaxing until Jaime pops in. He takes off his clothes and gets right in with her, then insults her to the point where she stands right up, naked and all, and faces him. That shuts him up. Now he wants to call a truce, and to do so he decides to tell Brienne the story of how he got the name Kingslayer. You see, the Mad King was so mad that he ordered Jaime to kill his own father, then ordered his pyromancer to burn everyone in the city. Instead, Jaime killed the pyromancer and then the king himself. Cue Ned Stark walking in, who wouldn’t listen to a word Jaime said. But to be fair, Ned probably just couldn’t hear him over the sound of his own honour.
Casa Stannis
We finally meet Stannis’s wife, who’s busy spouting religious mumbo-jumbo about the Lord of Light. Turns out she’s cool with Stannis cheating on her with “the Red Woman,” because it was in service to their god. Stop that, lady! This is how cults are born! But she’s clearly already crazy as balls, since she has her dead babies floating in liquid like a high school biology experiment. Stannis asks to see a certain “her”: his daughter!
He pays a visit to his little girl, who’s got like tree bark or crocodile skin or something growing on her face. What’s that about? She asks after Ser Davos, her best friend, but Stannis shuts down that traitor talk. Later, his daughter visits Davos in the dungeon and brings him books. He can’t read, but it’s the thought that counts. In any case, Davos calls himself a traitor.
Moon of Jorah’s life
Jorah and Barristan reminisce about the good old days of Robert Baratheon’s rule. Barristan would like, just once, to serve a king who is not a lazy drunk and/or fond of setting people on fire. Hah! Keep dreaming, friend. He asks if Jorah believes in Daenerys. “With all my heart,” he replies. Jorah! Just propose already, will you? The two men get into a bitch fight over who is more loyal to their Khaleesi, which Jorah obviously wins, no contest.
Meanwhile, Daenerys speaks with her army’s chosen leader, a one Mr. Grey Worm. Daenerys is like “since all of your names are terrible and demeaning, feel free to pick new ones.” Grey Worm—who speaks in third person—says his name is lucky; he was freed under that name. Daenerys gets emotional.
The Bachelorette: King’s Landing edition
Cersei schmoozes Littlefinger into spying on the Tyrells, which is all girlfriend ever talks about anymore. Meanwhile, Tyrion has summoned Lady Olenna to discuss “financial matters”—the royal wedding is bankrupting everyone left and right. They’re at war, somewhere out there. Olenna reminds Tyrion that other people do live in King’s Landing, and that if they’re not distracted from their shitty lives they’ll run riot. She concedes that House Tyrell will pay for half of the wedding. This extravagant affair will happen, damn it!
Sansa drools over Loras while he duels. She really wants to marry him. Oh Sansa, you poor, stupid girl. Margaery says she’ll work on it right after her wedding. While the girls chat about his future marriage, Loras flirts with his squire and then ends up in bed with him. He brags to Squire Boy that his “intended” has no idea that he swings the other way, and Squire Boy says that they never do.
But it turns out that Squire Boy is a spy for Littlefinger! He blabs about Loras’s plan to marry Sansa, so Littlefinger road runners it over to Sansa to try and lure her away. Nice try, Baelish. There’s not a teenage girl alive who wouldn’t fall for the secretly gay cute guy. It happens to the best of us.
In related Sansa-marriage news, Tywin talks with Cersei and Tyrion about Loras/Sansa. He doesn’t appreciate the Tyrells sneaking around and arranging strategic marriages behind his back. He proposes that Tyrion marry Sansa instead. Jesus, why don’t they just hold a Dating Game show for her and all her suitors? Tyrion is grossed out. Cersei’s having a great time until Tywin tells her she’s to marry Loras “and put an end to the disgusting rumours about you.” Uh oh. Both Tyrion and Cersei go into a serious sulk.
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Alyssia is a student of English literature and publishing, and is currently working as a barista. She is a bibliophile with a caffeine problem and a collection of weird socks, who watches more TV than she probably should.