So how creepy was that ending? I’ve been looking forward to the return of the White Walkers, but sadly they’ve been pretty much AWOL all season. Until tonight! But really, this week was all about the ladies. Polar opposite to last week, this episode focused on a small cluster of characters. We got a Kings Landing version of every wedding you’ve ever been to, and our Khaleesi earned herself yet another starry-eyed devotee. Get it, girl!
Daenerys meets the Three Amigos
The mother of dragons and her head honchos spy on some mercenaries called the Second Sons, currently working for Yunkai. Ser Barristan has taken to dressing up as old Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Jorah is working the hell out of an oversized scarf. Apparently these Second Sons have 2000 men. Daenerys is like “they will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine.” She’s introduced to the men’s captains: Mero of Braavos, Prendahl na Ghezn, and Legolas Daario Naharis. Good luck remembering those names, Khaleesi. Mero quickly proves himself to be the most disgusting chauvinistic pig in a show full to the brim with disgusting chauvinistic pigs. Congratulations, Mero! Daenerys offers to out-pay Yunkai in terms of gold and castles, and gives the men two days to make their decision. Daario gives her a lingering look as he leaves.
The three men discuss this ballsy blond dragon lady. Mero proposes that one of them dress up as an Unsullied, sneak into her camp, and take her out. That night, Daenerys takes a bath when she’s interrupted by Daario. Instead of killing her, he drops the heads of the other two guys out of a bag. What! Apparently Daenerys is so beautiful that he’s decided to offer his Second Sons: “My sword is yours, my life is yours, my heart is yours.” Well! That was easy.
Ain’t no party like a Lannister party
While getting dolled up for her wedding, Sansa receives a visit from Tyrion. Um, I think that’s bad luck, guys. And lord knows you don’t need any more of it. After some awkward pleasantries, they commiserate over this whole marriage situation. “I won’t ever hurt you,” Tyrion promises and boy, do I hope he means it.
Meanwhile, Margaery clings to Cersei’s arm, spouting the same “OMG sisters!!!” stuff she said to Sansa. Cersei is appalled. She starts telling Margaery the lovely story of House Reyne of Castamere, once the second wealthiest family in Westeros (the position now held by the Tyrells). Long story short, they dared rebel against the Lannisters and Tywin eviscerated them. Margaery’s face is like “can these pyschos go one conversation without mentioning rotting corpses.” Cersei: “If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.” Welcome to the family!
Finally, it’s time for the most awkwardly silent ceremony ever held! Sansa is escorted down the aisle by “father of the realm” Joffrey, as if this wedding wasn’t depressing enough. Things are just as grim at the reception, where Tyrion gets plastered. Olenna Tyrell outlines for everyone how effed-up their family tree is soon to become: Loras/Cersei and Margaery/Joffrey means that Margaery will be Cersei’s sister-in-law and daughter-in-law, and Loras will be his sister’s father-in-law and step-son’s brother-in-law. Somewhere down the line someone will produce Charles II of Spain.
Tywin, meanwhile, warns Tyrion that he needs to perform his husbandly duties tonight, so cut out the wine. “I am the god of tits and wine!” Tyrion sings. Joffrey continues his reign as Supreme Monster of the Universe and threatens to rape Sansa later that night, because why not. Tyrion puts a stop to his nephew’s grossness by being drunk and disorderly, yelling about his tiny “manhood” and generally embarrassing the entire family. Now it’s a wedding! He leads a horrified Sansa to her room, knocking into tables all the way. Once there, he tells her that despite his daddy’s wishes, she will be sleeping alone tonight. Then he passes out on a chair.
Dragonstone: land of crazy
Melisandre and Gendry have reached Dragonstone, where Stannis is waiting. Gendry is sent off to his room. Stannis wants Melisandre to kill him and be done with it, but Melisandre needs to make some metaphors first. When a lamb sees the knife before it’s killed, she says, its meat goes bad. She needs to hide her intentions from Gendry, so that he will be sufficiently delicious.
In the dungeons, Davos practices his reading by trying to pronounce various Targaryen names. Dude! Start with like “the cat sat on the mat” or something. Stannis comes to chat through the prison bars, informing him of Gendry’s arrival. Davos tries to convince Stannis to spare Gendry, since—unlike Renly—the boy never did anything to piss Stannis off. But Stannis remains as rigid as ever.
In Gendry’s room, he and Melisandre try to out-poor each other (“Yeah, well I used to just eat brown!”). She soon puts the moves on him because her god wills it. By sleeping together, they can keep away the darkness. Yes, this sounds legit. She gets him tied to the bed, and for anyone keeping score: she’s naked, he’s still wearing pants, as per the Game of Thrones Code of Conduct. And then things get really unsexy when Melisandre puts three leeches on Gendry. Leeches. Stannis and Davos walk in and are just like “what.” Stannis takes the leeches and throws them into a fire, naming one each for Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and his own “nephew” Joffrey Baratheon. Well, at least Gendry’s still alive?
Arya plans to bludgeon The Hound to death in his sleep, but he catches her and is all “I want you to hit me as hard as you can.” If he survives, he’ll break both her hands. Arya doesn’t like that wager and lets him live another day. And good thing, too, since he’s actually taking her to Casa Frey to reunite with Catelyn and Robb. He wants that cash reward, obviously. If they get a move on, they might even make it in time for her uncle’s wedding! Guaranteed to be a good time.
Return of the White Walker
Sam, Gilly, and her unnamed son hide out in a hut by a heart tree. Wait, where are they? How many of these trees are there? Anyway, Sam and Gilly try to come up with a name for her baby, but to no avail. Outside, a group of ravens have gathered on the tree and are making an ungodly racket. When Sam goes to investigate, they fall silent. There’s movement behind the trees: a White Walker! That one head White Walker, I think. It approaches Gilly for her baby, and Sam stabs it in the back. It turns into ice or something and shatters. Sam and Gilly take off running, but leave Sam’s knife behind. You idiots!