Game of Thrones ‘The Climb’ recap: Snakes and ladders

Everybody’s dancing to the sadism tango this week. If last week was about blossoming hearts, this week took those hearts and twisted them like a wet rag. But that’s what we love about this show, isn’t it? And with the motif of climbing this episode, it’s clear that some people are on their way to the top while others are going to crash and burn. Which schemer or strategist will make it?

Samwell’s Song

Sam and Gilly camp out. She asks if the Wall is really as massive as they say, because that’s where they’re headed, and Sam confirms that it is indeed 700 feet high and made of ice. He regales Gilly with tales of his Castle Black days and singing Night’s Watch men. Gilly—who’s got a real thousand yard stare thing going on—asks Sam to sing for her, and so he sings a little song for her baby. Bless! She takes a mental note of his potential husband material.

Bran and the Reeds

Osha and Meera Reed hold a rabbit skinning contest—Osha is winning—and it’s super gross. Bran cannot take their fighting any longer and forces them to make nice. Meanwhile, a napping Jojen starts convulsing from his visions, which freaks Rickon the hell out. When he wakes up, Jojen says that he saw Jon Snow, “on the wrong side of the Wall, and surrounded by enemies.” Bran doesn’t like that.

Cliffhanger, starring Jon Snow

Jon and Ygritte prepare to climb the Wall. Ygritte says not to worry, since Tormund’s done it “half a hundred times.” Or, you know, fifty. Ygritte brings up last week’s sexytimes, and Jon’s just like “can you not?” Then she gets all Overly Attached Girlfriend, warning him that she knows he’s still loyal to his fellow “crows.” “But I’m your woman now, Jon Snow,” she says, “You’re going to be loyal to your woman.” She finishes by threatening to wear his bits as a necklace. Jon’s face is like “shit.”

And thus begins the climb. The group of Wildlings plus Jon make their way up via ice picks and a rope. Does anyone remember that terrible movie Vertical Limit? That movie gave me so much anxiety. Anyway, it’s like that. They crack lame jokes and drop ice blocks on each other’s heads. Eventually Jon, who just fails at absolutely everything, causes an avalanche. Once they finally reach the top, Ygritte and Jon have a happy-to-be-alive make out.

The Holy Church of Thoros

Arya shoots arrows at a scarecrow while Anguy—the archer—critiques her technique. His lesson is interrupted by Melisandre and her entourage, who has come to speak to Thoros and Beric. She wants to know how Thoros manages to keep bringing Beric back to life, and Thoros basically shrugs. One day Beric got stabbed and died, and Thoros said some magic words and poof! He’s back from the dead. From that point on Thoros has been spreading the good word.

Melisandre’s goons take Gendry away, to Arya’s horror. Beric says it’s because the Lord of Light needs him, and Melisandre tells Gendry that he “will make kings rise and fall.” Arya calls BS. Melisandre stares into her soul and sees a bunch of people she will kill in the future. Arya looks at her like “I hope one of them is you.”

Guess Who: Theon edition

Theon is back up on that cross-like thing, and his Not-Friend blows a trumpet in his face. “Sorry!” He says, “Were you sleeping?” Dude’s got a serious case of Crazy Eyes. He decides to play a game with Theon. If Theon wins, he’ll let him go. If Theon loses, he also loses a finger. The object of the game: guess who he is and why this is happening. Theon guesses that they’re in car hole Karhold and that he is Lord Karstarck’s son. Well, that would explain the crazy. Not-Friend says he’s right, but two seconds later he’s like “PSYCH! I lied.” He attacks Theon’s pinky with a knife and says there’s no purpose to this torture other than “I enjoy it.” You know, if you told me last season that I’d be rooting for Theon to survive, I’d call you a liar. But here we are.

Jaime and Brienne against the world

Roose Bolton has dinner with Jaime and Brienne (who is wearing a pink gown!). Jaime hacks away one-handedly at his meat until Brienne helps him. Bolton says he should send Jaime back to Robb, but there are others who will pay more for Jaime. The answer obviously being Tywin. Bolton agrees to let Jaime go back to King’s Landing, although Brienne will have to stay, on account of her treason. Neither Jaime nor Brienne are happy about this. Jaime insists that she come with him, but Bolton shuts him down.

Robb Stark, matchmaker

Robb holds a meeting with two of Walder Frey’s sons. He offers up an apology for not marrying Frey’s daughter and says they can have Harrenhal once the war is over. But Frey wants something else, or rather, someone to marry his daughter. Everyone looks at Edmure. Edmure: “Uhhh, no.” Once the sons have shuffled out of the room, Edmure throws a hissy fit. The law says no one can compel a man to marry against his will. Uncle Blackfish: “The laws of my fist are about to compel your teeth!” Ha! Robb reminds Edmure that if they don’t have the Freys on their side, they’ll lose the war for sure. “FINE!” Edmure yells, and then slams his bedroom door. Ok, not really. Robb: “You’re paying for my sins, Uncle … I’ll remember it.” Oh, Robb. You are a good, honourable lad. Good luck with that.

Matchmaker part deux: Tywin Lannister

Tywin tries to convince Olenna that Loras should marry Cersei rather than Sansa. Olenna points out that Cersei is an old hag compared to Sansa (“I’m something of an expert on the subject”), and Tywin points out that Loras is a cake boy. Olenna proudly affirms that her grandson is a “sword swallower through and through.” Oh my god, this lady is my hero. Tywin says that not everyone is as tolerant of “unnatural behaviour” as Highgarden is, and Olenna brings out the big guns: “True, we don’t tie ourselves in knots over a discreet bit of buggery…but brothers and sisters?” Tywin insists that it’s all hearsay, but plays his high cards as well: if Loras doesn’t marry Cersei, then he’s going in the Kingsguard, where he definitely won’t have kids. Tywin gets his quill ready to sign the order, but Olenna takes it and snaps it in half.

Meanwhile, Sansa and Loras awkwardly attempt to woo each other. He says he’s always dreamed of a big wedding because of the food and the guests and the party… Sansa looks at him expectantly, and he’s like, “and the bride! Obviously the bride. I totally like ladies.” Then he starts rhapsodizing on her wedding dress. Loras! You need to try harder, son. Sansa, of course, doesn’t notice a thing. She and Loras are both excited to leave this godforsaken hell hole.

The two wannabe-lovebirds are being spied on by Tyrion and Cersei, the latter proposing to kill them both and be done with this issue. “We’re all being shipped off to hell together,” she says. Well, at least you can all bond over that. Tyrion brings up that time Cersei tried to have him killed, but concludes that it was Joffrey’s idiotic decision. Tyrion heads off to tell Sansa the bad news of their impending marriage.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

Littlefinger is staring at the Iron Throne when Varys walks in. Littlefinger gloats about his plans to marry Lysa Arryn. Varys warns him about opening up a pit of chaos, and Littlefinger starts channeling the Joker, all “Chaos is our ladder!” He tells Varys that he passed Ros, his informant, off to a customer. We then see Joffrey with his beloved crossbow and a dead Ros hanging from his bed, body full of arrows. NO. NO. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO KILL THIS FREAK RIGHT NOW. Later, Sansa sobs as Littlefinger’s ship sails away, since with her marriage to Loras having fallen through, he was her last chance to get out of King’s Landing. Poor girl! What’s she going to do now?